The Other Side
by Amynion
Summary: "I heard a whisper on my shoulder, pretending life is worth the fight"... Fili would walk through those doors with his brother at his side or he would not walk through them at all.
1. Chapter 1

**Note: **I'm sorry to those following me for Supernatural, I've got a ton of half finished SPN fic waiting for you. It's just that this little dwarf has stolen my attention. I'll be back to working on SPN after this brief flirtation with Kili. I bashed this out over the last couple of days, so it's unbetaed and not subjected to my usual fine tooth combing... basically, it is what it is :) I just needed to get these feels out after wondering what would have happened if Bard turned the dwarves away from his door in Laketown...

Quotes are from Woodkid's "The Other Side".

**The Other Side**

_O can you hear the song of thunder  
When fear strangles a soldier's pride  
And on the surface of the waters  
Will dance reflections of the fire in the night_

"Kili!" Fili's voice seemed to blur around the edges. It came from far away, even as his brother's hands held him tightly, stopping Kili from falling to the ground.

But it was nothing. He was fine. He _kept_ telling them... Every concerned glance from Bofur, every supportive shoulder from Fili… he told them, it was nothing. He was fine.

There was no need to pretend any more though. Thorin had stopped him, told him to stay, rest, and heal. It was said in a kindly, fatherly fashion, with a gentle hand to Kili's head. But Thorin might as well have wounded the young dwarf himself. He denied him the moment the doors would open… the doors to the halls of their fathers. Such a simple sounding thing, but this was no door to a hobbit hole. It would open on grand pillars, carven stone, and their history, their blood of the past… Thorin's stories had built up such a picture in Kili's head. It was enough for him to leave his home, leave his mother, and risk death… just for this moment. And Thorin had taken it from him.

So there was no need to pretend. Kili had tried to seem strong, he didn't want to burden the company. They had every need for haste and he could not hold them back. That's why he told them he was fine. But he could see it in their eyes… they didn't believe him. It was agony pulling the arrow head out, but he tried to keep it from his face. Bofur was watching. The dwarf had seen Kili's leg give out and he came over, hovering as if he wanted to help but knew it would be unwelcome. And it would be unwelcome. That's when Kili first said it… I'm fine, it's nothing.

Luckily Fili approached then, insisting Kili's wound be properly bound. With his brother's hands on him Kili relaxed a little. As much as the pain in his leg would let him… He had to pretend for the others. Pretending for Fili was pointless. He would always be the younger brother, Fili had always looked out for him and would always see through him. There was no need for words between the brothers. Fili knew Kili hurt, but he knew Kili would brush off any fuss and put on a front. Kili knew Fili was concerned for him and would insist on taking care of his injuries. And so Fili bound the wound without fuss, and Kili let him without protest.

That deed being done Kili put the barriers up again. He would not show weakness before the others, especially not Thorin. His Uncle was single minded when it came to this quest, and he would not carry along any burdens. Not even his own blood. Though pain lanced up his leg from the wound, Kili did his best to ignore it and soldier on. He only winced and shifted his weight from the leg when he thought nobody was looking. _It was nothing. He was fine_. Maybe if he said it enough it would become true.

In Laketown the dwarves were arguing over the so called "weapons". Kili was thankful for them for one reason… He took a makeshift lance and supported his weight on it. When he was sure the attention of the dwarves was elsewhere he sat with a slight wince and put his hand to the rough binding. It was soaked through with blood and his leg felt as though it was on fire. He glanced up quickly, surveying the others, making sure none had noticed his moment of weakness. They hadn't. It was nothing. He was fine. And he would see the halls of his fathers.

A plan had been hatched, and here was Kili's chance to prove to Thorin he was strong enough to continue. He was of the line of Durin, strength was written in his bones, scorched in the grit of his soul. But sometimes when Thorin looked at him, he saw doubt. Fili was always the favoured son, the elder brother, the one who would eventually bear the burden of Kingship. And there were times when Kili paled in his shadow. When Fili was being groomed for great purpose he felt adrift, like a spare part… not needed, just there. He was the reckless one, the one always getting into trouble and having others, usually Fili, pull him out. He was the weak one, with stumbling steps and a fevered brow. No… no, it was nothing. He was fine. And he was going to prove it.

It was getting warmer as they approached the armoury. Though Kili glanced at his companion's cold breath on the air and shivered, even as he surreptitiously wiped sweat from his brow. Every step sent a lance of pain up his leg now, but he forced himself onward. He was so close to the mountain, he couldn't let this stop him. Kili felt his Uncle's gaze on him as they gathered weapons. It made him even more determined to stay strong, though his limbs felt shaky. They only had to carry him a little further. More and more weapons were thrust into his arms. He wasn't sure he could hold out… but then Thorin asked him if he was okay. And with steely determination, Kili answered that he was. There was no doubt in his voice. Only in Thorin's eyes… but then Kili turned to the stairs and the bottom dropped out of his heart. How was he to manage the stairs with all this added weight in his arms? He took a breath and steadied himself. One step at a time, that's how he would do it, one step at a time… he was fine. It was nothing.

And then his leg gave out. Kili felt himself fall and it was as if the world crashed down with him. Fire burned from his leg and the impact, but it was nothing compared to the disappointment in Thorin's eyes. A rough hand took his shoulder and another put a knife to Kili's throat. He could only shamefully glance up at his Uncle…_ I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I've ruined everything… _As he watched Thorin's face he could see the decision being made. This was the end of the road. Kili would go no further. He was a liability, a burden. That's if any of them would be able to continue. They might spend the last light of Durin's day locked up in a cell thanks to Kili. The halls of their fathers would remain locked ever more because of his weakness.

Somehow Thorin had managed to talk his way out of the cells and towards the mountain. Kili wasn't following the conversation too well. Voices faded in and out as they rose and fell. He was leaning on Fili more heavily than he would have liked. But they were on their way, and Kili felt some small measure of relief that he hadn't held the whole company up after all. There was still a chance they could reach the mountain in time. There was also a small chance Thorin would let him come. Kili held onto that shred of hope - the hope that the joy of being on their way with Laketown's blessing would overshadow Kili's fall… Kili's weakness. So the young dwarf fell in line and tried to walk nonchalantly onto the boat with the others. A heavy arm blocked his path.

"Not you". His uncle said so emotionlessly… so matter of fact. As if there was never any choice in the matter.

Perhaps there hadn't been… perhaps Kili's fall had sealed his fate, maybe it had been the moment when he was first struck by that orcish arrow. He couldn't run, he couldn't climb… he could barely walk. This pretence was for nothing.

Kili protested. Trying to undo all the damage with a few words was never going to work on Thorin. He mind was made up, the doors were closed to Kili. The young dwarf went to sit to one side, desperate to take the weight from his leg. He let all pretence fall away, pain and sorrow creased his brow. Kili pushed away Oin's fussing hands, he wanted to be alone…

And then he heard Fili speaking on his behalf. "I will carry him if I must!"

Like the mountain they journeyed to, Thorin would not be moved. Kili called out to his brother, trying to tell him it was over. There was no use arguing, just as there was no use pretending strength where there was none…

The two argued for a moment until Fili ended it with five words:

"I belong with my brother".

No… no, Fili was giving it all up for him. The moment they opened the doors, the moment they would first set foot in those halls… his legacy, the stories, their quest. He was throwing it all away for Kili. There was some part of him that was glad, for being parted from his brother would bring him no joy. But Fili was sacrificing so much… he couldn't, Kili wouldn't see his brother do this. Words failed him though. A sickness lay upon Kili and in giving in to weakness he let the world fade in and out around him. He slumped over and felt Fili's strong hands catch him. Fili was the strong one… he always had been.

"Kili!"

~oOo~

_I'm slowly drifting into slumber  
Cause I have lost the force to fight  
It's like a cold hand on my shoulder  
I'll see you on the other side_

The moment Kili near collapsed in his arms Fili felt a stab of fear through his heart. The mountain, Erebor, their quest…it all meant nothing without Kili. He would walk through those doors with his brother at his side or he would not walk through them at all. And now, faced with losing him, it was almost too much to bear.

He knew Kili was pretending to be fine. He knew his brother would brush off any attempts at aiding him. So Fili did was he always did, helped quietly, no fuss… bind wounds, offer a shoulder whether it was taken or no. But Kili had been pretending too well this time. Fili hadn't seen how sick he really was, or maybe he was too caught up in their quest, too blinded by Thorin's vision, to notice. He should have noticed. He was the older brother, it was his _job_ to notice.

But it would do no good to fret and berate now. They needed help. The dwarves looked to the dispersing crowd. With the boat gone, they were all starting to leave. Nobody gave them a second glance, nobody listened to their pleas. None of the towns people wanted extra mouths to feed, none of them wanted an ailing dwarf taking their room and resources… Fili pointed Bofur to the Master's house. Surely he would offer aid, he had been happy enough to send them on their way with weapons and a fanfare.

The dwarves watched Bofur run over to the guards standing by the door. They stopped the dwarf and entered into heated discussion, though they were too far to make out the words.

Kili moaned at Fili's side, he gave his brother's shoulder a squeeze. "Not long now little brother, we'll get you somewhere warm, we'll get you some medicine and have you back on your feet in no time".

Oin was supporting Kili's other shoulder; he took the younger dwarf's pale face in his hand and gave him a cursory examination. Fili shot Oin a questioning look, but the older dwarf said nothing in return. His expression said nothing good. He probably didn't want to worry Kili with words…

Across the way a slimy looking fellow, the Master's assistant, had come out to argue with Bofur. The exchange was over shortly and Bofur came back to them, dejection written all over his face.

"Well? What did they have to say?" Fili pressed.

"They won't help". Bofur sighed. "In so many words they said… well, we're the useless dwarves. We're not retaking the mountain, we're the left behind baggage. Worthless to them, curse their hides!"

Fili refrained from cursing himself. It wasn't getting them anywhere. "Come on, let's knock on some doors. Someone in this godforsaken place has to have a heart. Kili, can you walk?"

It took his brother a moment to answer. "… think so".

With Oin at one shoulder and Fili at the other they helped Kili stand. His steps were unsteady and he moaned as his injured leg jarred against the ground. But with the two dwarves taking most of his weight they managed to move along. It was all in vain though, each door they knocked on was closed in their faces.

"Let us try Bard, his house is not far from here". Fili said with a note of hope in his voice. They had not parted well with Bard speaking against their plight. But perhaps he could find it in his heart to let them in with Kili so sick.

"Can't…" Kili gasped.

"Come Kili, the house is just over there, I can almost see it". Fili tried to be encouraging.

"No… no, please, it hurts…" Kili's face was drawn with pain.

"Just a little further, be strong now". It hurt Fili nearly as much to force him onward, but they would find no help sitting in the street.

"I'm not… I'm not, I can't…"

"Alright, set him down; let's have a look at that leg". Oin intervened and helped lower Kili to the floor.

Bofur took Oin's place while the healer did his work. Fili offered his hand to Kili, half expecting the usually stubborn dwarf to refuse it. But his fingers were grasped tightly as Oin started undoing the dressing and probing the wound.

"I'm sorry lad, I know it hurts… I'll be as quick as I can".

Kili looked as if he was trying to stifle his moans, but Fili knew the pain his brother was in… his hand was nearly crushed.

"Almost done… I'll just bind it anew". Oin set to work with a fresh length of cloth. "It looks as if you've still got a fragment of the arrow head in there. But don't worry lad, I'll get it out as soon as we've found a place to rest your head".

Kili blinked heavily and managed a nod, while Fili gave a small smile. Oin had seemed encouraging, but the older dwarf soon motioned him to one side. Fili's face fell. He gave Kili a reassuring pat before leaving his brother with Bofur. The two dwarves moved away far enough that their lowered voices would be out of earshot.

"That is no ordinary infection". Oin's tone had turned deadly serious. "His wound seeps black putrescence and the flesh around it is similarly tainted… the arrow was surely poisoned".

"But you'll be able to help him? There are plants enough to cure poisons, and once the shard is gone he'll recover surely?" Fili tried not to sound as if he was grasping at straws. But Oin seemed as if was holding something back… as if he was reluctant to say more. "What is it? Out with it Oin, my brother's life hangs in the balance, I _need_ to know".

"Lad… I have heard tell of weapons borne by the dark folk, weapons that shatter in wounds and leave fragments that turn the victim away from the light. They are torn into the world of the Unseen, and made slaves, bound to a dark power". As he spoke Oin put a hand to Fili's shoulder, trying to ground the dwarf as his words battered the younger.

"And you think… you think Kili has been wounded by such a weapon? You could be wrong… It's just a story. It has to be, have you ever seen one?"

"No, as I said, it is something I have heard tales of… but I know I have seen no wound like this before. I have been a healer for many years, more than I care to count, and never have I seen poison taint flesh so. He was hit by no ordinary arrow - it came from the bow of a great orc… one of the dark folk. I have to consider the possibility that the tales are true. If your brother is to get better I have to treat what ails him, not what you hope ails him".

"And how do you treat such a wound?"

"Remove the fragment before it turns his heart to darkness… and kingsfoil will help against the foul poison in his veins, but we will have to put our trust in Mahal for anything more. I fear only elvish medicine will be able to save him if my worst fears are true".

"Kili will fight this, he's strong. Do you what you can, and if your worst fears are true we will head back to Mirkwood. If they can save him I would rather have my brother live and spend the rest of my years in the Elf King's prison. But I will understand if you wish to rejoin the rest of the company. You have been a loyal friend Oin, I would not ask this of you".

"As I told your Uncle – my duty lies with the wounded. I will follow both my Princes to whatever fate lies ahead".

"Thank you". Fili tried to smile, but it was bittersweet under the circumstances.

They made their way back to Bofur and Kili. Bofur's hand was against the younger dwarf's cheek, he looked up at them, worried.

"He's going cold".

"No… no… m'hot, too hot". Kili shifted in his discomfort, trying to pull away some layers of clothing.

Oin bent to put his own hand to Kili's brow. "Leave it lad, I know you feel warm but it's just fever. You're actually quite cold. Come on, let's get you to Bard, the sooner I take out that bit of arrow the better".

The journey to Bard's house was slow and torturous. Eventually they got there and Bofur knocked frantically at the door.

Bard opened it wide and looked at each of them in turn before speaking with a hard voice. "No, I'm done with dwarves, go away".

Bofur grabbed the door as Bard tried to close it. "No one will help us. Kili is sick". He snatched a glance at the dwarf's ashen face. "He's very sick".

"I said '_no'_ dwarf". He made to close the door again.

"Please, if he's not treated he'll die!" Bofur begged.

"We will all die the moment your kin reach that mountain! We will all burn".

Fili raised his voice to the stubborn man. "Then take your children and go. Save them, family is more precious than all the gold under every mountain in creation. Save them, as I will save my brother. I cannot give up while there is still hope…"

Something changed in Bard's eyes as Fili spoke, but he would not move aside to welcome them in.

Fili sighed. "If you will not let us in, have you any kingsfoil at least?"

"No, I have none… it is a weed we feed to the pigs. They are kept not far from here". After giving some directions Bard made to close the door, but he paused a moment and met Fili's eyes. "Good luck Master Dwarf… and you would do well to take your own advice. Leave this place, save what is precious to you".

"I intend to". Fili replied with a hard edge to his voice.

The company of four left Bard's door and went away into a darkening sky. Bofur took it upon himself to hunt down the kingsfoil, while the other three settled down under a bridge. The water passing by beside them smelt foul and looked worse, but the wooden slats above afforded some shelter.

Fili was worried for his brother. Kili's face was ashen, he was deathly cold, and now he couldn't seem to keep his pain hidden. He moaned and shifted, crying out and writhing at the worst of it. Fili held his brother tightly, hushing him and telling him everything was going to be alright.

"When Bofur returns we should make for the lake and get away from this town. The water will be cleaner further out, I will be needing clean water…" Oin looked down at Kili sympathetically, leaving his sentence half finished.

"Very well, just let him lie still and rest for now. Kili, can you open your eyes for me? Stay awake now". He feared Kili shutting his eyes and never opening them again.

"Hurts…" The young dwarf moaned.

"I know, I know… it will stop soon. Just stay with me".

"M'sorry Fili…" Kili mumbled.

"Whatever for?" Fili asked in confusion. He had an idea why Kili might be apologising. It probably had something to do with getting injured and having Fili stay behind, but it was his choice to stay and he would not have Kili blame himself for it.

"Your sword… I forgot, I left it outside… rain, it rusted". Kili seemed to be breathing more harshly. It broke up his words, Fili hated to see him struggle. "I know Uncle was furious… heard him shout at you".

"We were young Kili. Whatever are you apologising now for? It's forgotten…" Fili hadn't expected an apology for _that_. He had almost forgotten it himself. Being shouted at by Thorin was nearly a daily experience in their younger days.

"It's the delirium lad, he doesn't know what he's saying…" Oin interjected.

But he did know. It had happened. Thorin had been furious at Fili for ruining his blade when it had been Kili who had taken it outside and left it there. Fili took the blame of course, he would not tell on his brother. It was his job to protect Kili, to keep him from harm… and an angry Uncle.

"Well if you're going to dredge up the past, how about thinking on happier times? How about Thorin teaching us to fight eh?"

Fili felt his brother go taut as another jolt of pain lanced through him. It took Kili's breath for a moment.

"Not happy… He taught _you_… I was weak. He has always thought me so… stopped me going… I won't see it Fili, we won't see. I'm sorry".

"No, Thorin has never thought you weak. He made you your first bow, since you preferred it to the sword, can you not remember? You are _not_ weak". Fili shook him slightly to emphasise the point. "You've been injured and that's not your fault. With an arrow to the leg you've been more than strong to get this far. I don't care about the mountain. It's not worth seeing without you there! When you're well we'll go together".

"M'not strong enough… Thorin sees, he cares more for the mountain than me…"

"Stop talking such rot Kili. He bid you stop behind to rest and heal. It would do no good to continue on and die half way up the mountain now would it? I know he seems hard hearted, but he cares for you, he cares for us both. You didn't see him when you were shot. He was under the bridge, he didn't know whether you lived or died, and he looked back with such fear… You would not doubt him if you saw. He cares Kili. Besides, you were stronger than anyone back there. You climbed out of your barrel and cut down orc after orc before pulling the lever – and that was done with an arrow in your leg! You saved us all. We would not be here without you. We would be stuck in Thranduil's cells or cut to pieces by orcs. You are more than strong enough!"

But Kili did not answer, he shuddered and cried out in pain. Fili held his brother tightly to his chest, trying to sooth him, though it seemed futile. Kili made small sounds of suffering when his breath was not being spent on screams. He writhed, seeming to fight against Fili's hold, though he was surely just lashing out with pain coursing through his body. After these fits Kili's energy seemed to ebb away. He collapsed in on himself wheezing, hissing and gasping, at least until it became too much and he began thrashing again.

"He's getting worse. Where is Bofur? He should be back by now surely!"

"I'll go look for the lad". Oin made to leave but Fili bid him stand still suddenly.

"Footsteps, heavy footsteps approach". Fili spoke in a hushed tone.

"Maybe it's Bofur returning?" The half deaf dwarf wouldn't be able to hear.

"No… there are more than one set of footsteps. Keep quiet. It could be guards, or orcs…"

Thankfully Kili was suffering one of his quieter moments. Fili hoped he would stay that way until the danger passed.

The steps above hurried over the bridge, beating out a baleful rhythm. Black speech tarnished the air… so the orcs had caught up with them. More and more came, scattering out into the night as they crossed overhead. Fili held his brother close, waiting with bated breath. Kili moaned and Fili whispered in his ear to hush.

"Be quiet little brother, just a while longer…"

The stream of orcs slowed, their footsteps came further apart. It seemed the main force had gone by and these were just the stragglers.

"Not long now…"

But Kili's moans were getting louder, he would cry out before long. So Fili clapped a hand over his brother's mouth though it pained him to do so. He tried to stifle Kili's screams. They could not draw the attention of the orcs, it would be the death of them all.

"Please Kili, be quiet…"

Kili couldn't help it; he was lost in throes of agony, struggling in Fili's arms. His cries slipped through Fili's fingers, and above two sets of footsteps stalled.

Harsh words of the black language rent the air and the orcish steps circled around to each side of the bridge. They would be trapped like rats. Fili threw a knife to Oin and laid Kili down gently. It was too late to silence his brother now. They were coming… The vile creatures leapt out with a snarl. Oin faced one and Fili the other, with Kili safe between them. His pained keening drew their attention.

"It's the black haired archer!" The orc's voice was no more pleasing in common tongue. Its jaws snapped with glee. "Leave him to his fate, it would be doing him a kindness to kill him now. But these two we can slit their throats!"

"You will be the only ones dying tonight!" Fili raised his sword and charged forwards. He heard Oin loose a battle cry behind him.

Steel met steel as the orc raised his own blade. Fili tried to push the orc's to one side, but too late he felt it give way as the orc let go to punch the dwarf's face. He staggered back, narrowly missing his brother. But Fili would not be so easily defeated. He thrust at the orc who swept his sword aside. Fili went with it, using the momentum to swing around and cut the orc's throat. He died with a look of pure shock on his face and a futile hand clasped to his wound. Black blood ran between the orc's fingers. He fell back and plunged deep into the dark waters of the lake with a great splash. Fili turned to aid Oin and was pleased to find him rolling his own orc corpse into the lake. Though it would do nothing to aid the fetid water…

Fili dashed to Kili's side and took his hand. The young dwarf shuddered, he looked even worse, his face was drained of colour while his eyes took on a sickly grey hue.

"Stay with me Kili. Don't you leave me alone, do you hear me?"

They heard more footsteps from above… but these were lighter. And a familiar voice shouted out.

"I've got it! The kingsfoil!" Bofur hurtled into view. "We'll have to be careful though, there are orcs out there".

"We know". Fili answered darkly. "Come on, to the lake. We have no time to spare".

"How will you get him to the lake lad? He can't walk like that…" Oin shook his head in despair.

"I will carry him. Help me get him up".

Between the three of them they got Kili on his feet and over Fili's shoulder. It was slow going to the lake. They had to avoid orcs through the winding streets, and when Kili's writhing became too much they had to set the dwarf down. When he was still they set off again. Eventually they left the town behind and finally the great expanse of the lake lay before the dwarves. Its still waters reflected the night sky giving the impression of a great pool of stars at their feet. But there was no time to take in such a scene of beauty.

"Lay him down here, and fill these with water". Oin thrust a few bowls into Bofur's hands.

During their flight from Laketown Oin had taken the opportunity to scavenge a few items and implements that would be needed to remove the arrow fragment. He set them down on a piece of cloth beside Kili's leg.

"Now hold him still. This is delicate work and he will not like it one bit…"

Bofur set down the water and restrained Kili's legs, while Fili resumed his position holding Kili tightly against his chest. It was half comforting embrace and half restraint. Kili was taut beneath his hands, every muscle seemed strained and knotted with pain. He sweated and shivered, crying out helplessly, it rent Fili's heart in two to see him so.

"Be strong Kili, it's almost over, stay with me, I'm here…" Fili willed his brother to hold on.

And then Oin started.

The scream was like nothing Fili had ever heard. He never knew a dwarf could make such a sound, it came from the depths of a place of pure agony. As the piercing yell assaulted Fili's ears he wished he could take his brother's place. Ever since Kili had been born it was Fili's job to keep him safe, he had to look out for him and look after him. He had failed, he was failing… What could he have done? There must have been something. He should have seen how sick Kili was, he should have insisted on them stopping and treating the wound. Why had he let his brother's façade stand? Why had he let Kili soldier on? They were no heartless army of orcs, they were a band of brothers and friends and Fili should have let the quest go hang in the face of his brother's suffering.

Kili tried to throw himself back, but Fili held him in place. His brother was just trying to escape the pain, to pull away from what hurt him. _They_ were hurting him. But it had to be done if they were to save him. Still, it brought tears to Fili's eyes. He couldn't wipe them away, he could only clutch at his brother more tightly.

"NO! NO! PLEASE STOP!" Kili suddenly found words to beg with.

"It's almost done Kili, I promise you, it's almost done".

Fili's words brought no comfort. Kili just screamed all the more. "Get away from me! Get off! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"We have to Kili, I'm sorry… Oin, for Mahal's sake are you nearly done?"

"I told you, this is delicate work. I have it, I'm working it out, just keep him steady". Oin bent over Kili's leg, the blood covering his hands seemed more black than red.

"FILI! HELP! Get them off… Get them off…"

It broke Fili's heart to hear his brother call for help when it was his hands holding him down.

"Hush Kili, stay strong… please, for me".

"Fili… where are you? Please help…" Kili's struggles died bit by bit, his voice weakened.

"I'm here Kili, stay with me. Don't you dare leave me". Though it was horrific to hear Kili scream it worried Fili even more to see his brother fading.

"No more… no more… please…"

"Kili, fight this, you have to fight!" Fili shook his brother hard.

Suddenly Kili went lax in Fili's arms, all strength seemed to leave his small frame.

"KILI!" Fili laid his brother down on the ground and frantically clutched at his cold face. "Wake up Kili! FIGHT! You hear me? You're strong! FIGHT THIS!"

Kili's head lolled and his breath rattled dangerously in his chest.

"Oin, do something!" Fili turned to the elder dwarf in desperation.

And then Oin triumphantly held aloft a shard of arrow.

"I have it! It's out!" He raised it in the air as if he had just discovered the Arkenstone.

As Fili watched the offending shard turned to dust and blew away on the breeze leaving Oin's hand empty. It was hard to believe such an infinitesimal fragment had done this to his brother.

"Kili! The shard's out! You're free from it…" Fili shook his brother, but there was no reaction. Fili's voice went from hopeful to quiet desperation. "We got it out Kili… you're free".

Oin started work with the kingsfoil while Fili continued trying to rouse his brother.

"Kili, please don't die… we got it out". Tears threatened as Fili gently grasped at his brother. "Don't leave me… don't give up, I need you".

Just then Oin applied some kingsfoil to the open wound and the reaction was immediate. Kili took in a gasp of air and shot up from the ground, arms flailing blindly. He exhaled with a strangled cry that was more an unearthly shriek. It disturbed Fili more than any of the screams that had come before. He met his brother and pulled him into a tight embrace, trying to calm whatever fell darkness had given rise to that cry.

And then the ground shook beneath them.

"Look!" Bofur pointed to the mountain. "The dragon comes!"

Sure enough a shadow against the night sky arose, spreading wide wings. It split the air with a roar. The three dwarves with their eyes aloft inhaled as one. A stream of flames scarred the starred firmament, and on the surface of the water danced reflections of fire in the night.

~oOo~

_And in the arms of endless anger  
Will end the story of a soldier in the dark_

Kili wanted it to be over, fire coursed through his body, setting alight everything it touched. He couldn't fight it, there was no use fighting. A voice begged him to stay, was it Fili? Where was Fili? Hands restrained him, tortured him… Kili called out for them to stop and they wouldn't. Why wouldn't they stop? Had they no mercy? Where was Fili? Why wouldn't he help?

…_I'm here Kili, stay with me. Don't you dare leave me…_

That voice again, filtering through the pain filled veil that separated him from the waking world… Fili? It was Fili. And it was almost enough to keep him tethered to life. But it was too much, agony consumed Kili… no more, no more, please… He couldn't take this, he was too weak to hold on any longer. Death seemed a welcome embrace if it would release him from this endless pain... this torture that flayed his soul and plagued his heart.

…_Kili, fight this, you have to fight…_

Life was not worth the fight. He would gladly give it up to end this. The pain blinded him, he couldn't recall his mother's face, their home was a memory stolen from his mind, and his brother was just a distant voice… That whisper on his shoulder, pretending life was worth the fight. But there was a cold hand on his other shoulder, telling him to sleep, offering rest and salvation. Death was a welcome friend, greeting him with open arms. Kili turned from his brother, he shunned life, suffering and fire. The cold embrace of death was soothing…

He was dying. If death was his fate he should be passing within the halls of his fathers. That he did regret. Kili wanted a noble end… Now he would leave this world at the side of a filthy lake like some wounded animal relinquishing its fragile hold on life. He saw Thorin's disappointed eyes before him. So he would end as his Uncle saw him… weak and nothing. And a sudden last blaze of anger reared up against Thorin. He had denied Kili his glorious ending, he had denied him the sight of his father's halls.

But then a stray voice came from the ether… _You would not doubt him if you saw. He cares Kili_…

And cold hands pulled him away.

Too late Kili realised this was not death beckoning him on. The world seemed to wash away but what replaced it was not peaceful. Pieces of this world were torn away and ravaged. He felt pieces of himself being torn away into shadows and nothingness… he was passing into nothingness. The Unseen. Tendrils of darkness reached for him, winding about his flesh, trying to take his heart. Was it too late to fight? He didn't want this. _He didn't want this_. It was supposed to be peaceful, it was supposed to be an end, but he wasn't dying, not in that sense, he was falling into shadow. Kili cried out and the scream of a wraith tore from his throat. He would not pass into the hands of Mahal. He would not see his brother again in the afterlife. His pain would be unending!

He had to fight!

It was too late. He was smothered in darkness, ensnared and entangled, drawn into this world against his will. There was no way out.

_Fili! I'm sorry! I should have listened! I should have fought!_

Kili's heart cried out to his brother before it was overtaken by shadow and flame.

As he prepared to succumb to the inevitable Kili thought he heard the sound of hoof beats against the ground. No… no, there could be no horse here, no rider in the dark. But there was. A sudden blinding light approached on a horse as white as fresh fallen snow.

He closed his eyes and turned away, daring to wonder but not daring to hope.

_... Lasto beth nin, tolo dan nan galad..._

That voice, it was her! But it couldn't be... she was far away, walking in starlight in another world, it was just a dream... the delusion of a failing mind. How could she be here? What would have brought her here? Chasing a dwarf she had met for a fleeting moment... it would make no sense unless she loved him. And she could only have loved him in his own beleaguered thoughts. It couldn't be her... it was just a dream.

But soft fingers entwined with his own... Kili took solace from a gentle touch amidst this harsh world. It wouldn't last. He was lost.

It was just a dream.

* * *

**Another note**: I hadn't intended to carry on with this (it's one of my "policies" not to start posting a story that isn't finished), but as I was writing a few unresolved _things_ started poking the plot bunnies awake. I seem to have a tradition for not being able to leave a one shot as a one shot... but I do need to get back to SPN, and unfortunately life has been very busy and hasn't afforded me much quiet time for writing in (hence my bashing this one out quickly while I've got a couple of days free, heh). Oh well... I'm not even sure if you'll want to see more. Let me know what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

**Note:** A day may come when I leave a one shot as a one shot. But it is not this day! XD (Quotes from Woodkid's "Ghost Lights" and Ed Sheeran's "I See Fire").

**Chapter 2**

_Waking up in the fog, the dust and the pain  
And of the sunny days, no traces remain  
_…  
_Waking up in a world surrounded by flames  
Where everything I liked is about to fade_

In the shadow lands of the Unseen a flare of light touched Kili. He felt the creeping corruption of this place tighten its hold on his heart and agony tore through him. But his guiding light in the dark did not dim, it fought back to claim him from the wraith world… _she_ fought back to claim him. For it was her, Tauriel; and in this state he could see those who walked in both worlds… Spectres of the nearly dead reached for him with their horrifying, brittle bone limbs. Their long faced, gaping, jaws loomed before Kili, trying to steal him away. But elves… oh they were of the purest light. Their immortal forms bore hope to those who needed it. Their Unseen figures were more glorious than their waking world counterparts. Kili could only compare it to a simple sketch being fully realised into its painted masterpiece... and he had thought Tauriel was perfection before. To see her now, as she was beyond the veil, was to be lost. He drowned in affection, opening his heart to her like never before. And the corruption fell away, powerless in the face of her glory. Tauriel fought until it faded, relinquishing its iron grip on Kili's soul.

The world of mist and fog, dust and pain, died all around Kili. As he had woken here to be torn apart he now felt himself being pieced back together. She took his hand and led him away from this trammelled place. Kili gathered himself together with every step, entwining with her fingers and herself. In this place the light of Tauriel's being seemed to seep into him and become part of him. And then between one step and the next, everything went black.

Sounds and voices were indistinct, filtering through darkness that gave him a sense of peace. This was no longer the torturous world of the Unseen, it was blissful unconsciousness. The waking world crept around his senses, but Kili felt there was no peace out there… the voices were harried and desperate, the sounds were ear shattering roars. He tried to crawl his way to consciousness, every little inch he gained things became clearer. Voices gained owners, and their words gained meaning, even if Kili didn't fully take them in.

"My Lady, will you take him to safety? You have a horse, you can ride with him…" That was his brother, Fili. Oh how wonderful to hear his voice again!

"And what do you intend to do Master Dwarf?" Kili's heart lightened at realising it was _her_.

"Help, if I can. I cannot stand here watching them burn!"

"You will only burn with them. I have not saved one brother just to lose the other! Follow us, I can bear him back to the edge of the wood, meet us there".

"No my Lady, I will never be able to repay you for saving my brother's life, for his life means more to me than anything… but we brought this dragon down upon these people. It is my duty to save as many as I can".

"Then let me accompany you. Your friend can watch over Kili. Do you not think your life is just as precious to him? Would you have him wake to find you gone? Let me help, I will make sure you live to see each other again".

"I need no help from an…" Fili seemed to stop himself and hesitate. "Please my Lady, just take him away from this place".

A flurry of hooves thundered up to them and a hard voice joined in.

"Tauriel, we must go. The dragon is upon us". It sounded like the elven Prince of Mirkwood.

"A moment Legolas please".

"We have no time, leave the dwarves. Get back on your horse".

"What of the townspeople? We must do something!"

"They are no concern of ours, and even if they were what can you do against a dragon? It is hopeless, we must return home".

"Then go. I will join you when I can, but I am not done here".

"_Tauriel_". Her name was said as a warning.

"I will return to you Legolas. I promise you that".

The way she spoke was like a knife in Kili's heart. Was she leaving him? Returning to the woodland realm never to be seen again? He needed to wake up and tell her… tell her what? Tell her… _I need you_… _I love you_… Was this love? He just knew she was beautiful, fair and full of grace. He wanted to watch the stars by her side and listen to her tales of the white light forever…

Beneath him the ground trembled slightly as a horse darted off into the night.

Then a yell split the air. "TAKE COVER!"

And chaos reigned.

Though Kili was blind in his half conscious state he felt a strong wind, and there was a roar so close as to drown out all else. The commotion of voices whirled around his head, and then hands were on him, dragging him, pushing him, smothering him. There was somebody over him, shielding him. And then Kili was lifted, a horse snorted somewhere beneath him. What was happening? He started to panic. _What was happening_?! Where was Fili? A slender but strong arm embraced him and with a cry of "_Noro lim Tiro!_" they were off.

Kili fought against the thick fog surrounding his mind. He managed a blink, then another. But he could only see a flowing white mane in the darkness. The movement of the horse jarred his leg, sending a spike of pain from the arrow wound… Though the poison and sickness had left him, it would still take time to heal.

Suddenly they stopped and turned. Everything came into sharp focus.

Dragon fire.

The town was burning. The world was on fire.

Above Laketown the dragon stooped to dive, a stream of flames scorching the air before him.

As the clarity of the situation dawned on Kili he realised… Tauriel had him, but they were alone, the dwarves weren't here. Where were the others? Where was his brother?

Kili tried to find his voice, it was weak and hoarse, but he needed to ask. "Fili?"

Tauriel didn't answer. She must have heard him, for elves were famed for their sharp senses. Why wasn't she answering him?

He coughed and tried again, trying to make his voice stronger. "Where is Fili?"

"Tiro, I've seen enough, let's go". Again she ignored him, simply asking her horse to leave.

As the steed turned around a feeling of dread gripped Kili's heart…

~oOo~

_Oh, misty eye of the mountain below  
Keep careful watch of my brothers' souls  
And should the sky be filled with fire and smoke  
Keep watching over Durin's son_

Against every sense he possessed Fili found himself charging towards Laketown. It was burning… a dragon was attacking… everyone was running away… and yet three dwarves defied reason and fought their way back to the town.

The bridge out of Laketown creaked and strained under the heaving mass of people trying to leave. It was a battle in itself trying to go against the stream of men, women and children. The dwarves were jostled back and forth, but they made it. Smoke blew through the streets and the wooden structures trembled with each roar of the beast. But Fili tried to put fear to the back of his mind and save as many as he could, for he felt partly responsible for this destruction… Had he not embarked on this quest, had he tried to reason with Thorin, this might not be happening. These people would not be losing their homes and their lives. A charred corpse lay in the doorway of a house engulfed in flame. The arm of the man or woman reached out to the street as if seeking salvation… _I'm sorry, I'm so sorry_… Fili offered a silent apology. What chance had they stood? There was nothing to be done about the fallen now. There were people still on their feet who could be saved.

Fili covered his nose and mouth with a piece of cloth and directed Oin and Bofur to the nearby houses that were untouched by fire. People reacted differently in a panic. Most fled the town, but others scrambled about trying to save possessions. Fili tore them away and pushed them outside. Others hid beneath tables, clutching their legs and shaking. Fili pulled them to their feet and sent them on their way.

House after house they searched. Fili would keep going as long as he could. He owed it to these people… these people who were choking and coughing on the smouldering ruins of their own homes. Staggering outside Fili whirled around a moment in the smoke; it was growing thicker and becoming harder to see, it was almost like being lost in another world. The dragon roared nearby, Fili ducked and covered his ears against the terrible sound, and then a row of houses across the street set alight as Smaug sailed by overhead. They wouldn't be able to stop much longer. The flames and smoke were nearly overwhelming. But something drove Fili on, Oin and Bofur joined him. The older dwarf reached out a hand and gripped Fili's arm, struggling in the murk.

"Bofur, take Oin, get out of here!" Fili's voice was muffled through the cloth.

"Aren't you coming?" Bofur yelled back.

"I will follow!" Fili intended to search one last house. Just one.

And then something soft collided with him and he nearly fell to the floor.

"Fili!" A small face looked up at him with tear tracks running down soot stained cheeks. Sigrid and Tilda stood before him, their hands tightly clutched together. "Please, you have to save them!"

Fili put his hand to their shoulders, trying to be reassuring, trying to seem in control amidst this chaos. "Save who? Tell me what happened".

Sigrid coughed as she tried to answer. "Bain ran back, he went after Da!"

"And where is your Da?"

With her words lost, swallowed by cough after cough, Sigrid turned and pointed to the sky. It was barely visible through the thick smoke, but it stood there as if it had been waiting for this moment to come… the windlance.

"Go with Oin and Bofur, I'll bring them back to you. I swear it". Fili looked into each girl's eyes, hoping they saw the strength of his conviction.

They looked back with pure fear. Fear of the dragon. Fear for their family. And Fili understood that fear, he felt it with Kili dying in his arms mere moments ago. Fili was almost glad his brother was unconscious as he left. He would spare Kili that fear. The same fear he saw in Sigrid and Tilda's eyes as Bain left them. But like Bain he was driven on by something greater than himself.

The young dwarf gave the girls one last squeeze of the shoulder before turning and diving further into the maelstrom. It was a whirlwind of roaring fire, and bellowing dragon overhead, with the savage hiss of extinguished flame as burning timber fell into the lake. Sweat ran into Fili's eyes, the acrid air robbed him of breath, even through the cloth protecting his face. But still he battled on, running through the smoke, ducking and dodging through burning streets and falling beams.

He reached the tower housing the windlance and began to climb; fortunately it had been untouched by flame thus far. It seemed a last bastion of hope against the dragon, but it would not stay that way for long. The whole town seemed moments away from being entirely consumed.

"Da! Come away! Please! Sigrid and Tilda are waiting for us outside the town! We must join them". Bain's desperate voice filtered down to Fili.

"I told you to get them to safety! You should not have come back!" Bard scolded his son.

"I had to come back for you. You can't leave us… Da, please, don't leave us". Bain's voice seemed to crack beneath the strain.

"I can do this, I can save us all. Get out of here Bain!"

When Fili emerged from the stairs he found Bard arming the windlance with a black arrow. His son stood to one side, tears streaking his dirty face. The air was a little clearer up here, but not by much.

Bain started as he noticed Fili beside him. "Please Master Dwarf, he won't listen, you have to get him out of here".

"Bard, my friend, listen to your son. Your children need you, this is folly! You cannot hope to shoot down that dragon!" Fili tried reasoning with him first.

"I have to try! Who else will stop the dragon? How else will they stop it? This is the only weapon that can harm Smaug, I have to try… He will destroy the town, look around you, he already has! He will pursue our people like game along the lake, he will kill them all! He will kill_ my family_… he has probably already killed yours! Let me try!" Bard stared at Fili with a sort of madness borne of desperation.

_He has probably already killed yours…_ Those words echoed around Fili's head, his heart clenched, and momentarily he was taken away from this inferno. He gazed upon another, an inferno that ensnared the dwarves within the mountain. They burned, their dying screams reached Fili's ears… _No_, they could still live. He had to hope.

Bard's voice broke Fili's doomed reverie. "Take my boy and get out of here".

"Da! I'm not leaving without you!" Bain grabbed his father's sleeve, only to be roughly shaken off.

"Understand Bain, I have to do this. I wish there were another way…"

Something dawned on Fili then. "… there is. Go with your son, I will shoot down the dragon".

"Your bravery is admirable Master Dwarf, but this is my fate. The black arrow passed to me and I must do my duty by it".

"Hang duty! Bard, I will say what you said to me – save what is precious to you. Your children need their father. Now go!"

A crash sounded from nearby. The dragon swooped low and lashed out with its tail, shattering the Master's halls. The building fell to pieces as if it were made from sticks of firewood.

"We haven't much time! Please go!" Bard looked at Fili, the surrounding flames dancing in the reflection of his eyes. "I have to do this".

"No you don't". Fili gripped Bard's arm hard. "You think your fate is set in stone, but it means nothing. It is as insubstantial as the smoke that surrounds us. It can be changed. Look at me - I am fated to be King under the mountain, a duty that lies heavy on my heart. I should have been with my kin, gazing at the halls of my fathers. Those halls have lain unseen for countless years… I cannot tell you what it would have meant to be there. Instead I stopped behind, I chose my brother… I chose family. And maybe I will never get to see those halls. But my brother lives. Maybe he is now fated to be King while I die here slaying a dragon".

Fili was almost scaring himself with his own words. The thought of dying here and never seeing Kili again was too much, but he had to get through to Bard. "Please… choose family, choose life".

Bard just stared at him, his eyes seeming to shine with unshed tears. A multitude of emotions passed over his face... fear… courage… doubt… Then Bard suddenly took his son's arm and moved to the stairs. "Go, I'm coming, I'm right behind you".

Bard gave one last look to Fili over his shoulder. "Shoot well Master Dwarf. When the beast is dead I will see you again by the lake... Stay safe my friend".

As Bard left, Fili turned his hands to the windlance. Kili was the archer, he had a good eye and near perfect aim. Fili could only hope to do his brother proud.

~oOo~

_If this is to end in fire  
Then we shall all burn together  
Watch the flames climb high into the night_

Each stride of the horse sent a jolt of pain through Kili's leg, but he paid it no attention, his thoughts were only for his brother.

A stream of words tumbled from Kili's mouth, to the point where they had almost lost meaning… _where is Fili, please tell me where Fili is, I have to go back, I have to find Fili_… Tauriel said nothing but the occasional 'hush', it was said in a soothing tone, but Kili would not be soothed.

Eventually the young dwarf's desperation turned to anger, fuelled by pain. "Why will you not speak? We have to go back!"

"We cannot go back!" Her breathy voice finally answered. "The dragon is laying waste to Laketown. I cannot take you back there, I promised your brother…"

"I am sure you did, but I had no say in the matter. Fili cannot see beyond protecting me. He would let the world burn as long I'm safe. But who will keep him safe? Does he ever think how I feel while he risks his life? I would protect him as he protects me. Please, take me back".

"You lay dying not so long ago Kili, you need to recover".

"You sound like my Uncle, I am _not_ weak". Kili's pain and anger led him to be harsher than he would have liked with the elf maid.

"I did not say you were, but you have to heed reason. You were gravely injured, can you run? Can you walk? Will your leg even bear weight? There is nothing you can do against a dragon. If bravery was all it took I am sure you would defeat the beast single handed, but oft the body is weak where the spirit is willing. You need to heal first".

"I am not weak!" Kili latched onto _that word_, missing the meaning of Tauriel's message. "I might not be able to run, but I can be there… I can make sure he's not alone".

"He has your companions with him, he is not alone". Tauriel reasoned.

Kili's voice turned grim. "We are brothers my Lady, we are always alone when we are apart".

The young dwarf fell silent then, pain worrying at his leg… _stab, stab, stab_… it was rhythmical, with the three beat gait of the cantering horse. His dressing felt wet, it ran down his leg… he supposed he was bleeding again.

"Can we stop?" Kili asked in a small voice, the pain suddenly becoming too much.

"We cannot stop; you know I can't turn back". She didn't realise.

"My leg…" Kili looked down to the wound and drew her attention to it.

Tauriel must have caught sight of the red streak down the white shoulder of her steed. Like blood stained snow it stood out starkly. The horse stopped immediately.

"Why did you not say something?" She sounded astounded, almost hurt.

Kili supposed she felt guilty, maybe even responsible. "The pain of missing my brother was more than the pain in my leg… I paid it no attention".

"It needs attention". Tauriel whisked him from the back of her horse, Tiro, and set about rebinding his leg. "I'm afraid we left in such haste I have nothing to dull the pain".

"I can bear it". Kili hissed as she pulled the cloth away from his wound.

"You shouldn't have to…" She pressed down, attempting to slow the bleeding. "I'm sorry".

"No, my Lady, I am sorry. I spoke harshly before". Kili came to realise how he had been acting, and he felt as if he had been another person. Here was the elf maid who had saved his life again and again. She was the fairest creature he had set eyes on, and he had snapped at her like an animal. "I was not myself, I would not have said such things otherwise…"

"It is forgiven; you were in pain… and you feel the absence of your brother".

Having bound Kili's leg anew Tauriel moved to her horse and opened a flask to wash away the blood from his coat.

She stared at the red streak thoughtfully and rinsed it away with care, seeming to contemplate the bond that would drive a dwarf to ignore such pain. "I have no siblings of my own. Elves do not often have children, immortal as we are… This tie between you and your brother, perhaps it is beyond my understanding. To feel something that binds you to another so strongly… so strong as to disregard pain, to give up your very life… I wish I knew it".

Kili stared at her with wonder. He could never imagine that an immortal ageless elf would look to him for understanding, or long for something he had.

"It is as if we are two halves of the same whole my lady. Our parting is a grievous wound that will never be healed until we are together again. Fili has always been there… my first memories are filled with his laughter and my pains have all known his comforting touch. I miss him".

Tauriel came to sit by Kili on the grass. She gently took his hand in her own.

"And I know he misses you. As you lay sleeping he looked to you as I look to the stars. The world fell away; there was nothing but the two of you… I long for the day someone will look at me that way. It is precious, beyond stones, beyond stars".

"Does the elf prince not look at you that way?" Kili thought she must be meant for some high born elf.

"He looks at me with longing... Legolas likes the idea of me. I do not complete him; I think he feels whole already. Maybe one day he will realise there is room for another in his heart. Besides, it is not meant to be. His father will not let a lowly Silvan elf be with him".

"Lowly? There is nothing low about you my lady! How so? How can he say such things?" Kili was shocked to hear this from Tauriel.

"Thranduil is of the Sindar, they set out on the great journey to Valinor, although they did not complete it. They are counted amongst the Eldar. My people, the Silvan elves, are seen as lesser… they are called Avari "the Unwilling" as they did not accept the summons to Valinor. A great Prince of the Sindar could not pursue a common Silvan elf such as myself".

"I had not realised there was such a divide between your people…"

Tauriel almost laughed at that. "There is more besides! The Vanyar, the Noldor, the Teleri… I could be here all night giving you line and verse of my kith and kin".

"Well Thranduil is wrong my lady. I may be a dwarven Prince, but I am a Prince all the same and it would be the greatest of honours to take your hand…" Kili quickly fell silent. Often his mouth ran ahead of his thoughts and only now did he realise his words may be too bold.

"And I am honoured to hear you say that". She gave a squeeze of his hand and a soft smile before letting go.

Oh Mahal, what would Thorin say? To see him holding hands with an elf and exclaiming he would be honoured to wed her. His Uncle would surely strike him down for his insolence. Kili found himself drawn to the elf maid all the same. This time sat talking in the grass brought the mind the moment they spoke of the stars and fire moon. Only now they were not separated by prison bars. The two were so different, and yet so similar, both finding wonder in the sky. Kili felt at home talking to her, even beholding a beauty he couldn't touch. It couldn't be. An elf and a dwarf… it was unheard of, _unthought-of_. The young dwarf told himself not to get attached, not to fall deeper into this mire… but his heart was ensnared, and his head would not rule it.

"Can you carry on? I told your brother we would go to the edge of the wood. It is not much further". Tauriel asked gently.

Thoughts of forbidden love were brushed aside at the question… Fili filled Kili's mind once again.

"I cannot carry on my lady". Kili looked back the way they had come. There was an orange glow on the horizon. "I am not whole…"

Tauriel followed Kili's line of sight and sighed. "Then we shall make you whole again… I will break my promise to your brother and take you back. He only wished to keep you from the dragon fire".

"I know, and I know it seems beyond reason, but I have to find my brother. We will face the dragon fire together..."


	3. Chapter 3

**Note: **So sorry to have kept you waiting! As I mentioned before, I don't like posting stories that aren't finished, so I wanted to get a good chunk of this written (I'm on chapter 8 and counting o_o This one shot is in serious danger of becoming a sprawling epic...). I'm hoping to update a bit more regularly now. Thank you for all of the favourites, follows and reviews. You're all fabulous! :D

Quotes from Ed Sheeran's "I See Fire", Bastille's "Things We Lost in the Fire", and Nelly Furtado's "All Good Things (Come to an End)".

**Chapter 3**

_And I see fire, hollowing souls  
I see fire, blood in the breeze  
And I hope that you'll remember me_

Tauriel and Kili rode as fast as the young dwarf's leg would allow. When Laketown came into sight their breath stalled in their throats… there was no Laketown, it was a maelstrom of fire. Thick smoke bellowed from the burning town and a dragon wound its way through the skies, bringing chaos with every breath. Refugees had made their way further down the banks of the lake. The able bodied helped the walking wounded along. They all held hollow looks, apart from the children who openly wept.

Just as they approached the throng Smaug swooped on Laketown and recoiled with a piercing screech. Kili clapped his hands to his ears, the sound seemed to rattle his very bones. The dragon thrashed in the air before seeming to collapse in on itself. Its great wings folded and the beast plummeted, crashing into the town. The ground shook as if an earthquake was wreaking havoc.

"Fili!" Kili couldn't help but shout out, imagining his brother crushed to dust beneath timber and scales.

"He will be alright, he will be amongst the townspeople beside the lake. You'll see". It sounded as if Tauriel was trying to convince herself as much as Kili.

As elated as he was to see the dragon defeated, Kili felt as if he were drowning on dry land. _Fili could have been down there_. He couldn't seem to breathe.

Tauriel urged her horse on; it did not take long to reach the lake. The journey seemed a blur to Kili, he felt he had slipped from this world again. Riding amongst the townspeople brought Kili back to his senses, the acrid scent of smoke filled the air, it was hard to ignore. Burnt flesh and clothes wove through the stench, while the sound of sobbing and screams of pain tortured the young dwarf's ears. Hands reached out to them, begging for aid, but they could not stop, not yet.

Kili shouted out his brother's name with a desperate fervency. He saw no sign of Fili or Bofur and Oin. As they pressed on Kili began to panic more and more, and then suddenly a small child called his name. _Tilda_.

Whipping his head around Kili found her sitting in the grass, she was coated in filth but the dirt could not dim her smile. The young girl sat with her family, and Kili was overjoyed to see they had survived. Bard's arms protectively circled his children, though his eyes were haunted. He looked away from Kili, seeming as if he did not want to make eye contact with the dwarf. Kili thought nothing of it, as he had spotted Bofur beside them.

"You came back!" He jumped to his feet as Kili slid from the horse.

Both Bofur and Tilda met Kili with a hug.

"It is so good to see you, where are Fili and Oin?" Kili clasped his friend's shoulder.

"Oin is healing the wounded…" The smile fell from Bofur's face as he hesitated, not wanting to go on.

"And Fili? Where is my brother?" A note of desperation returned to Kili's voice. "Tell me where he is, tell me he lives".

"He went back into Laketown to retrieve Bard… he has not been seen since".

Kili's legs suddenly lost all strength. Bofur held onto him, holding him up. "Bard… my brother… what happened?"

Suddenly it became clear why Bard would not meet his gaze.

"I have never seen another as brave as he... Fili stopped behind to man the windlance. He slew Smaug the Terrible. Your brother's a hero". Bard pulled his son tight to him, burying his face in the young boy's hair.

"He could live… he killed the dragon, he could be out there. I have to find him". Kili spoke as if in a daze. He tried to push Bofur away.

Bofur held on to Kili firmly. "Laketown is no more lad. You won't find him, not in your state". He motioned to Kili's leg.

"He's not dead. I have to find him, if I have to crawl through the ruins of Laketown I will find him".

Tauriel suddenly appeared beside Kili, she put a gentle hand to his back, trying to ground the dwarf. "Will you not sit down for a moment? You need rest, let me check your wound".

"My wound is fine, and I cannot rest with him out there alone. He's not dead, if he were dead I would know, I would feel it!" It made him angry, the way they all thought Fili was dead but nobody would say it. They wouldn't let him go because they didn't want him chasing ghosts.

"Please Kili, we just got you back. Don't make yourself sick again…" Bofur looked miserable; he was always so cheerful, it seemed wrong. Everything seemed wrong.

"Why aren't you looking for him? Help me look for him!" Kili searched their sad faces, there was nothing to be seen but pity.

Nobody answered, and then Oin approached. He cast a sympathetic eye over Kili, muttered that he was glad to see him back on his feet, and then he addressed Tauriel, requesting her aid with healing. She looked back to Kili, seeming regretful at having to leave him, but there were people in need… alive people… people she could help… Kili felt her squeeze his hand. It seemed so far away; as if Tauriel were clasping somebody else's fingers. Fili was alive; he knew it, why wouldn't they believe him?

"We have a few scraps between us, will you not eat something?" Bofur offered up a salvaged plate.

"I'm not hungry…" Kili answered, his voice sounding as hollow as he felt.

"You must eat". Bofur pressed, seeming worried.

"The only thing I _must_ do is look for my brother. I will go alone if you will not help". Kili made to leave.

"Hold on, I'll come. Can you walk? How is your leg?" Bofur passed the plate on to Tilda and joined Kili.

In truth it hurt to stand, but he would walk until his soles were torn and bleeding if it meant he found Fili. "My leg is fine".

Kili took a few faltering steps away from his companions, he could practically feel the doubt in their eyes.

"It doesn't look fine". Bofur said pointedly.

"It is fine". Kili practically spat between clenched teeth.

Bofur came to stand in front of him then. He put a hand to Kili's shoulder and met his eyes with such concern. "Don't do this. Please don't do this to yourself".

"Do what?" Kili asked in puzzlement. He only wanted to find his brother; everything would be alright once he found his brother.

"Don't trek out there making yourself worse searching for… for nothing". Finally it seemed as if Bofur was speaking the truth.

"I have to find him".

"The only thing you will find is Fili dead. That is if you find anything at all. There is nothing left!" Bofur's grip tightened on Kili's shoulder.

Kili roughly pushed Bofur's hand away; he swallowed back tears, trying to sound strong. "I am going to look for my brother. Don't stop me. Don't follow me".

~oOo~

_Things we lost to the flames  
Things we'll never see again  
All that we've amassed  
Sits before us, shattered into ash_

Step by painful step Kili limped away towards the ruins of Laketown. He didn't look back to see if Bofur trailed behind, he didn't want to look at any of them. His eyes were fixed on the burning town ahead. The fallen dragon's body had caused most of it to collapse into the lake. A few guttering fires still smouldered amongst the embers, but they were gradually dying. Tendrils of smoke wound lazily into the air… it was all a poor shade of the inferno that came before. Like a stark morning that followed a night full of terrors. Now the bare bones of Laketown were exposed. Lone lengths of charred timber reached to the sky, they were the ribs of a carcass picked clean by a dragon.

The sun started to rise as Kili stumbled along the edge of Laketown. It washed the world in a more gentle orange than the fire of the night before. He shouted for his brother, feeling his voice become hoarser with every cry. His soul ached with every silent reply. The town detritus had washed up on the bank. From meaningless lengths of wood to ordinary household items, plates, pots and pans. Kili paused at finding a few scattered toys in the mud. He picked up a rag doll… it was missing an arm and half its face had been burnt away. It looked well loved beyond the damage of the fire. Some poor child must have been mourning its loss. Kili cast an eye over the ruined town. There was much loss to be mourned.

A shining white trinket, half buried caught Kili's eye. He freed it from the mud and cleaned it off with the sleeve of his shirt. It revealed a small horse figurine, expertly carved from white stone. It reminded Kili of Tauriel's horse, Tiro. It seemed strange, that he stood in this cradle of destruction, with such a small piece of perfection in the palm of his hand. The horse was untouched. No flame had scorched it, no night had dimmed its brilliance. Just like Tauriel… she was a point of perfection standing strong amidst a world falling to pieces. The thought struck him then – she should have it, a token, to remember him by… if a few fleeting moments with a dwarf were worth remembering in her long life… _Remember me, please remember me…_ He hoped to be remembered. Just as the stars were full of memory for her, maybe he would find his place in a little stone horse. Kili put the figurine in his pocket and resumed the search for his brother.

Kili stumbled on, the pain in his leg getting sharper and sharper with every step. Still he pushed on, until his leg gave way. Kili fell to his hands and knees in the dirt. The world seemed to fall with him. He hadn't the energy to cry out… he just stopped there, head bowed, trembling. _Get up_. He told himself. _Get up and keep going_._ Fili needs you._ But Kili's limbs wouldn't respond, they just kept shaking, and at the back of his mind another voice spoke… _Fili's dead_. Kili shook his head, trying to push that terrible voice away. Fili was alive. If he could just get up and keep going he would find his brother. _Fili's dead, and he died out here alone._ That voice grew more powerful, demanding attention. It kept him down in the dirt, adding weight to his shoulders. _You will die here alone… Give up your brother, give up yourself_. A crossroads stood before Kili in that moment. He could collapse into the mud, broken and defeated. It would be the easiest thing in the world to do… to just let go. Or he could fight. He could throw off these shackles of infirmity and rise again. It would not be easy. Kili thought of his brother, slaying a dragon - that had not been easy… and suddenly standing seemed to be the only decision he could have made.

With a cry Kili pushed himself up, defying the pain, defying the weariness. He took his feet again. And the sound of harried heavy footsteps met him. Was it Fili? Could it be his brother? Hands were on him… no, he looked into the worried eyes of Bofur.

"What did I say? You will make yourself sick out here; look at you lying in the mud…"

"I'm on my feet now-"

"For how much longer?" Bofur cut in.

"For as long as it takes to find my brother. I told you not to follow me". Kili tried to sound angry, but he hadn't the heart for it.

"I couldn't lose you out here Kili, not both of you…" Bofur took the young dwarf into his arms.

Kili let the dwarf embrace him, they both needed it. Tears threatened Kili's eyes, he tried to blink them away, and in doing so he caught a flash of blonde over Bofur's shoulder. Kili blinked again, almost fearing he was seeing things. But there was a mess of tousled blonde hair down by the lake, it was Fili! It had to be!

"He's there! Thank Mahal, I've found him!" Kili pushed Bofur away and scrambled to the lake. Leg be damned, his brother was there and he was getting to him!

Fili lay half in and half out the water. A thick beam of wood partially concealed him from view. The dwarf looked as bedraggled as a drowned rat. Kili rolled him over none too gently and checked to see if he was breathing. It was faint, it was laboured, but it was there.

"He lives!" Kili shouted to Bofur. "Fili, can you hear me? Can you wake up?"

The young dwarf tried pulling Fili out of the water, but he struggled between his leg and his weariness. Bofur moved in to help.

"He's cold, we need to warm him up" Bofur took a fur from around his own shoulders and threw it over Fili.

"Come on Fili, open your eyes". Kili shook his brother gently. His voice was hopeful, but laced with a sadness he couldn't shake off. "I found you, you can wake up now… I'm here, you're not alone".

Fili remained unresponsive. His stuttering breath the only sign of life.

"He's not waking up Bofur, why is he not waking up?" The sadness in Kili's voice had taken over.

"He'll wake up". Bofur sounded strong and reassuring. "You woke up didn't you? Give him time. We should get him back to Oin".

Bofur made to lift Fili. Kili tried to help, but couldn't take much of his brother's weight. His own weight was almost too much for his leg to bear. It frustrated Kili. He should be able to carry his brother. Fili had carried him countless times and now Fili was the one in need he couldn't help.

~oOo~

_Flames to dust  
Lovers to friends  
Why do all good things come to an end?_

Kili sat staring into the flames of a small fire. His brother lay by him, wrapped in what furs they could salvage. Fili still hadn't woken. Oin had checked him over, the young dwarf sustained some impressive bruising and was chilled from his time in the lake, but Oin was confident he would make a swift recovery. Still, Kili couldn't help but worry as he watched the flames dance. His brother should be sitting by him, laughing, merry with drink and telling tall tales. He shouldn't be lying still, grey faced and dead to the world. He would wake. They all said it. Fili was the strong one. He would wake, and he would have the tallest tale to tell when he did. Fili the dragon slayer! Kili's eyes slipped to his brother's face, was there a little more colour in his cheeks? Was he imagining it?

He almost felt her before he saw her. Tauriel came to take a seat by Kili. His heart soared as she looked at him, the small space between them seemed at once a chasm and nothing at all.

"How is he?" She ventured with a glance at Fili.

"Still sleeping…" Kili tried not to sound devastated.

"He will wake".

"So they keep telling me…"

"Believe in him, as he believed in you".

"It's impossible for me to do anything else my lady… but sometimes belief is not enough".

"And sometimes it is… Against the odds you found him alive, you believed he lived when everybody else had given up. You are the reason he lives now. He will wake". She spoke with such confidence, Kili almost expected to find his brother sitting up listening to them.

But he wasn't.

"Will you let me check your leg? The binding needs changing, I heard how you dragged it through the mud…"

Kili stretched his leg out, wordlessly giving her permission. Tauriel moved in close and her nimble fingers got to work. They sat in silence. Sometimes words weren't always needed, Kili half enjoyed this simplicity. The other half of him was scrabbling for something to say. What could he say? Again he stumbled over his feelings. Love? That word was perhaps too carelessly thrown around. What would she say if he confessed to it? Recoil? Run? Kili wasn't even sure if this was love, he was young, what did he know of love? Not enough, that was for sure. It was better to stay quiet and fill the empty air with possibility instead of dooming himself with the cold, hard, truth of what could not be. She would surely reject him, and if not then his people would reject him. There was no happy ending to be had here. There was only one thing he could say.

"Thank you Tauriel". He almost stuttered the words out.

"For what?" She smiled at him as she bound his leg.

Oh that smile… his heart almost ceased to beat.

"For saving me, for talking to me… for everything. I never realised elves could be so... nice".

Tauriel laughed, it was not a mocking laugh but an affectionate one. "I could say the same of dwarves".

Kili smiled, he couldn't help it. "All my life I have been taught how elves are not to be trusted. I have been told you are a cruel and heartless people. And yet you have done all you can to help me…"

"You should not believe all you are told. I was led to believe dwarves are a stubborn and unruly lot, hardened and uncaring… except for their mines and their wealth. But I see in you kindness and caring. For you bonds of family come before gold and precious stones. There is warmth where I only thought to find ice…"

"Maybe if our people stopped hating each other they would find something to like…" Kili gave a slight wince as Tauriel pulled the binding tight on his leg.

The elf maid put a concerned hand to his arm. Though she had finished with Kili's leg she did not move back to where she had sat before, she remained beside him. His heart fluttered at her touch.

"I have certainly found something to like". Her smile was a warm summer's day. And Kili felt strange to delight in it, for his place was underground. Yet he seemed to yearn for the kiss of sunlight now.

"As have I…" Kili began to doubt himself. Was he being too bold again? Was he saying too much? "I have enjoyed talking to you my lady… my time with you has been well spent. Why, I think I would rather sit with you and speak of stars than drink myself senseless with a host of my kin".

"High praise indeed!" Tauriel laughed. "I have enjoyed our time together too".

She seemed to break away from the intimate space between them and cast her eyes to the stars.

_Then let it continue, stay here with me. We can go to the mountain, we can rebuild Laketown, we can see what else this world has to offer… Just stay._

Of course Kili did not voice what his heart was screaming. Tauriel looked back down at him, with a questioning glance full of meaning. Her light manner from before had fallen away.

"Do you feel whole now Kili?"

He hesitated, and in that hesitation he had his answer.

"I thought not". Tauriel looked at him, her voice tinged with sorrow. "We are not that simple. We are not made of pieces to be pulled apart and put back together, like a child's puzzle. We are more complicated than that… like creeping vines, entangling and taking root in one another".

Tauriel paused, as if thinking what to say, or whether to say what she wanted to say. Then seeming to dismiss it in one fell swoop she changed tack.

"I must go, I must return home. I promised Legolas I would follow and I have already broken one promise this night".

"But my lady, they need you here". Of course what he meant was 'I need you here'.

"The worst of the wounded have been healed. Mortal medicine will suffice for now… I have to go, I wish it were not so, but I am Captain of the Guard and I have left my post far too long. Thranduil will not be pleased".

"Tauriel". Kili's use of her name seemed to stop her in her tracks. Now what could he say to make her stay? Would it be right to? Should he let her go? "I… I hope we meet again".

"As do I". She smiled sadly at Kili before leaning in to place a soft kiss on his cheek.

That kiss gave his heart such joy and yet such sadness. She was leaving… this was it. He would probably never see her again. And maybe it was right for her to go. So they could both be free of this entanglement, this mess of unsure feelings and uncertain words that could never be anything. It would be far simpler to part ways and put an end to it.

He wished he could say something. _Say something. Say anything_. Kili's mind roared. His lips parted, but nothing came out. And between one breath and the next she stood. He felt her absence already, like a cruel cut to the heart. Another wordless breath and Tauriel had turned to go. She smiled over her shoulder as his voice searched for words. And then she was gone. Too often sorrowful partings were seen off with inadequate words. Kili turned his eyes back to the fire, trying to hold back threatening tears.

"You fool, you should run after her…" Hoarse words were spoken between harsh coughs.

Fili!

Suddenly all sorrow fell away as Kili threw himself at his brother.

"You're awake! By my beard I feared you would never wake again!"

"You don't have a beard". Fili coughed and spluttered. "Not a real one anyway".

"How do you feel? Should I get Oin?"

"No… no… I'm just sore. Feels like a dragon fell on me". Fili gave a weak smile.

Kili laughed. His brother must be feeling well. Then it dawned on him what Fili had said when he woke.

"And why should I go after the elf?" Kili tried to act nonchalant, even dismissive.

"Oh 'the elf' now is it? What happened to 'my lady' and 'Tauriel'? You should go after her because you love her". Fili looked to his brother with a certain mischievous twinkle in his eye. "My ears might be waterlogged, but I haven't gone deaf. I heard every word between you".

"Then you are delirious, you are hearing things… I could not love an elf".

"There is no need to pretend. I will not judge… I am not Thorin". Fili's voice turned from being teasing to being sincere.

"I am… not sure. I am fond of her, but I don't know if it is love".

"Brother, sometimes I feel I know you better than you know yourself. Go after her".

"I can't. Even if this is love, even if she loved me too, we couldn't be together. It wouldn't be allowed". Kili scowled.

"If you love each other everyone else can go hang". Fili said pointedly.

"Even Uncle Thorin?"

"Even Uncle Thorin. Leave him to me". Fili turned suddenly serious, pushing himself up on an elbow to meet his brother's eyes. "Go after her, tell her how you feel. That's all you can do… and if you don't, you will regret it forever".

Kili put his hands in his pockets, keeping them warm, considering his brother's words. He felt something hard… the figurine. He had forgotten to give her the little horse!

Kili drew it out, the fire shone on its flawless surface. Suddenly he jumped to his feet and darted off into the night, much to Fili's astonishment. The crowds of people huddled around their own fires were a blur as Kili dashed by them. He slowed and began to hobble more than run as the pain in his leg made itself known. But he wouldn't stop. It had become vitally important to give Tauriel the little horse, and he wasn't really sure why.

"Tauriel!" Kili saw her up ahead. She gracefully mounted her horse and turned to go. "Tauriel, WAIT!"

His heart stopped.

As she looked over her shoulder it started again.

With a word her horse waited and Tauriel stared after Kili, her expression almost unreadable, half concern half longing.

"What is it?" She asked as he reached her side, struggling to catch his breath.

"I… I… forgot…" Kili panted.

"Forgot what?"

Kili reached his fist up to her and she bent to hold her palm out.

"Forgot to give you this".

The little horse exchanged hands and Tauriel held it up with a small smile. "It's beautiful".

"I found it on the shore, it reminded me of your fine horse here".

Tauriel absent mindedly stroked Tiro's wither. "Yes, I can see the resemblance".

"I thought it could be a token to… to remember me by". Kili recalled his brother's words. But he was struggling to get his own out. How could he possibly tell her?

"How could I ever forget you?" She smiled down at him fondly. "But I have nothing for you to remember me by…"

"Oh my lady, I will remember you long after I have forgotten my own name. Tauriel… I…" Words seem to fail him. Why could he not just say it?

And then she bent down to kiss his forehead and whisper in his ear. "You cannot hide the way you look at me Kili".

She said before that Legolas looked at her with longing… she could plainly tell it wasn't love. Had Kili given away his feelings with every glance? Did he not need to say those words? She knew. Perhaps she had always known. He felt stunned… rooted to the spot, even as she caressed his face and turned away with sorrowful eyes.

"Goodbye Kili".

She was gone.

It took too long for feeling to return to him. Eventually his legs began to work and Kili trudged back the way he had come.

Kili dropped down by the fire where his brother was now sitting up and warming his hands.

"Well? Did you tell her?"

"I didn't have to. She knew". Kili spoke as if he was in a half dream.

"And?"

"She left".

"Oh…" Fili was quiet for a moment, not really knowing what to say. Then he returned to his usual lightened tone. "Oh well, perhaps it was for the best. You know what Uncle Thorin always says – you can't trust an elf. She did break her promise to me".

"What promise was that?"

"To take you away. To keep you safe… She brought you back" Fili had turned serious again. "And I'm glad she did".

"You would really support us and speak for us? I thought you disliked the elves…"

"My brother being infatuated with an elf… how disgusting. I should disown you this very minute". Kili looked at him with worry before Fili laughed. "Of course I would support you! It's not that I dislike elves… it's just something deeply rooted in our culture and stoked by Thorin's ire. If an elf makes you happy then an elf makes me happy. I only ever want you to be happy".

Fili reached out a hand for his brother, clasping his arm in a friendly manner.

"Thank you Fili. I only wish the others would be as understanding…"

"Well, I can't say I'm that surprised. I often wondered if mother had a dalliance with an elf. What with you taking to the bow like you did, and that pathetic excuse for a beard… seemed natural you'd fall for one of them". Fili gave his brother an elbow to the ribs and coaxed a laugh out of him. "If nothing else it gives me plenty to tease you about at least!"

"You shouldn't speak of mother that way!"

"Too right, I'll apologise when we see her next, and ask if she knew any strange, tall, beardless dwarves around eighty years ago".

At that Kili gave his brother a friendly push. It was nice, this feeling of getting back to normal between the two of them. Fili pushed Kili back and he toppled over. He ended up spread eagle, looking at the stars… and there he stopped. The stars meant one thing to him now. Tauriel.

"Do you think I shall ever see her again?"

"I'm sure you will. She's in Mirkwood, it's not the other side of Middle Earth now".

But the stars felt remote and far away… just like Tauriel.


	4. Chapter 4

**Note:** Thank you kind people for your reviews, faves and follows. You make it all worthwhile :) Writing update: I'm up to chapter 11, and I'm actually considering spinning it off into another story at a certain point... but I'll try not to because *drops to her knees and raises her arms dramatically to the air* THIS WAS MEANT TO BE A ONE SHOT! Dear God XD

Anyway, on to the story...

**Chapter 4**

Tauriel rode for Mirkwood, her thoughts were in a flurry, whirling around, making no sense… He was a dwarf. A _dwarf_. What were these feelings? She only knew that she felt something and she should not. From the moment she first set eyes on him there was something… Tauriel struck down spider after spider, and then he called for a weapon. She denied him, taking the monster down herself. And that was when she turned to look at him, _really_ look at him. She felt suddenly disarmed. He was not like the others. He was taller for one thing.

As the Captain of the Guard it was Tauriel's duty to ensure the security of the prisoners. Still, perhaps she wandered the cells more than duty required. She passed by his cell door several times, saying nothing. He was a curiosity, this one. There was something strangely alluring about him. The dwarf tossed a small stone when she next passed by. Tauriel thought to herself that she should ask about it, challenge him even, it could be a weapon… but it was a token, one from his mother. He tried to scare her with it, though it soon became clear he was just playing. He was so unlike everything she had been told about dwarves. They talked freely, so openly, and quite by accident Tauriel found herself sitting to listen. Kili his name was, and they spoke of the moon and the stars while a rowdy feast wore on above them… She found she did not miss it. Drinking and making merry… Tauriel would rather while away the hours with this dwarf. He told tales as well as any of her kin. Tauriel wished she could have been with him when that fire moon lit the path at his feet…

Who could say how long the dwarves would be imprisoned? Thranduil was not an easy man to predict when roused to anger. Tauriel found herself hoping they would stay a while. She looked forward to taking her seat on the stair. It was curiosity, she told herself. Tauriel was not often permitted to wander abroad in the wide world, and she wanted to hear more of it. This young dwarf - escort to merchants, wanderer of the wilds - had probably seen more than Tauriel despite all her long years. Always Thranduil had withdrawn from the outside world. It frustrated her when there was so much to be seen out there. So this was not affection… it was curiosity.

And then they were escaping. As the alarm was raised the shattering of Tauriel's heart told her she was lying to herself… She was growing fond of the dwarf. Her first thought was not that she had to recapture the prisoners. It was that Kili might be lost to her, or lost forever.

Orcs joined the fray, and Tauriel's heart nearly stopped at seeing Kili wounded. His mother was right, he was reckless. But he had saved his kin. And with a few well placed arrows she saved him. Kili fell back into the barrel with a cry as the arrow shaft broke off. It drew her attention, she let her guard down in that split second and an orc took advantage. It went for her bow arm, but Tauriel twisted and easily dispatched it, casting the foul beast in the waters of the river. When she recovered Kili was gone. Tauriel could only watch the barrels wash away in the rapids, feeling bereft, but not really knowing why. He was a dwarf. She shouldn't form attachments to dwarves… Tauriel sent a silent prayer to Varda for him all the same. She could not follow, as much as she wanted to join the pursuit. She had another prisoner, and one far less alluring.

"_The black haired archer, we stuck him with a morgul shaft. The poison's in his blood, he'll be choking on it soon_".

With those words she snapped. Tauriel rushed forward with a threat, ready to end this creature that would delight in her friend's pain. Kili was her friend. In their short time together they had become friends… she realised that now. This affection she felt, it must be friendship. And her friend would die without her help. No mortal medicine could cure the poison of a morgul arrow. She would leave, and she would find him. She had to.

When Tauriel found Kili he was almost gone. It took all the power she possessed to bring him back to the light of the waking world. She almost thought he would refuse… Kili had been through so much pain that death seemed to be a merciful end. But he was not heading for death, it was something worse. The wraith world. Tauriel fought them off, the foul things in the dark. They were ensnared all about the young dwarf. One by one she cast them away, fighting for him if he would not fight for himself. And then, she felt him respond. Tauriel's heart soared at feeling him reach out for her, they wove together, entwining, fighting together. This was more than friendship, this was more than affection, this was…

It couldn't be. With their every interaction she fell a little more. She saw the way Kili looked at her. There was no mistaking the feeling behind those eyes. But she couldn't return it. She was an elf, he was a dwarf… it couldn't be. Sitting before the fire, in the shadows of ruined Laketown, Tauriel wondered. They started to open up to each other, sitting side by side, with no space between. A confession passed between them… a confession of _liking_ when they both really knew what it was. They did didn't they? It was plainly written on Kili's face, and she knew now what was in her heart. She just had to say it. Why couldn't she say it? And then Tauriel pulled away, running from _it_.

Far better to tear herself away now before they became more entangled in each other than they already were... Their future was full of sorrow, full of anger. The elves and dwarves wouldn't understand it, and they wouldn't stand for it. She couldn't condemn Kili to that. It was far better for him to suffer a little hurt now rather than greater hurt later. Kili loved her. She was sure of it… she loved him, didn't she? No, it wasn't love. It couldn't be. It would hurt less if it wasn't. He was a dwarf, she couldn't love him. But there was no denying… no, it couldn't be.

So Tauriel ran from her feelings, she ran for home, with a little stone horse held tightly in her fist.

~oOo~

"Tauriel. My father would speak with you".

It was a cold greeting from Legolas. He did not ask how she fared, or what had occurred in Laketown. As soon as he passed on his message he left abruptly. Tauriel got the feeling that he was perhaps angry with her, but there was something amiss in his manner… a note of guilt perhaps.

She made her way to Thranduil's quarters with more than a little trepidation. He would not approve of her actions, that was for sure. The question was only how angry he would be…

"Ah, Tauriel, you have returned". Thranduil turned his icy glare upon her.

"Yes my Lord, I have news". She spoke calmly, politely, doing her best to seem diminutive.

"Please, enlighten me…"

"The dwarves awoke the dragon and it attacked Laketown-"

She was cut off by Thranduil.

"Legolas has already told me this".

"But Legolas did not stop to see the aftermath. The people, they need help, they need supplies…"

"The people are not my concern. And they were not yours either. Legolas also told me you defied him, you stopped behind… and you stopped behind for a _dwarf_ no less". He drew closer, practically spitting the word 'dwarf' in her face.

Tauriel looked down, not meeting his eyes.

"Well? What have you to say?" Thranduil needled at her.

"He… he needed help, he needed elvish healing".

"One dead dwarf does not matter Tauriel. You left my son for a _dwarf_, you forsook your kin for a _dwarf_". Thranduil's ire seemed to rise with every word. "You defied my orders going out there… FOR A DWARF!"

"My Lord, I am sorry… I…" In the face of his fury Tauriel stumbled over her words, searching for a way to explain.

"It matters not". The rage in Thranduil's voice died abruptly. It was replaced by a calm coolness… though it seemed no less dangerous. "The town does not concern me. The mountain does… Smaug is no more. The treasure lies unguarded apart from a handful of mortals - dwarves and men. They will give way to us or they will die, and we may take what is rightfully ours".

If they resisted he meant to kill them? Tauriel couldn't see the dwarves or men stepping aside so easily… nor could she stand by idly while Thranduil so nonchalantly discussed murder. Not _their_ murder… not Kili's murder.

"Do you not think these people have seen enough death and destruction already? They will not oppose you, the dragon made sure of that... They do not have to be killed".

"Thorin will surely oppose me. If he still lives… And do not underestimate the greed of men, for they desire power above all else. They too will have realised Smaug's hoard lies unguarded. They have nothing, and nothing to lose. The men of Esgaroth will not be content to wallow in the mud by their husk of a former home… they will stake their claim, I know it". Thranduil came to stare at Tauriel in a way that made her quite uncomfortable. "Just as I know your true intent… you wish to save your beloved dwarf. I can hardly bear to look at you Tauriel. You _disgust_ me. I would see you in one of your own prison cells, but we ride to war, and I need my Captain by my side. Yet there is one way you may be able to redeem yourself…"

"Tell me what it is my Lord and I will see it done". She bowed her head, trying to seem gracious.

"Kill the dwarf". It was said so easily, as if he had just asked her to patrol the border.

Tauriel's head shot up. She met Thranduil's eyes with a sense of panic, though she told herself not to react, not to give him any more reason to think Kili mattered to her… It was too late for that. Tauriel couldn't keep the shock from her face.

"Kill the dwarf and I will consider it an end to this matter". Thranduil casually wandered away from Tauriel, seeming smug, almost enjoying having trapped her. "If you refuse I will have you sent to a cell and the dwarf will die by my hand directly. What say you?"

She couldn't say anything. Tauriel had been robbed of her words as her mind raced. If she refused to kill Kili then she would be locked away, unable to help. If she agreed… well, she would be betraying him, but she would be there, she would be able to do something. The little white horse figurine seemed to burn a hole in the pocket of her tunic as she opened her mouth to choke out an answer. "Yes… I will see it done".

"Good, now ready yourself for the battle ahead, and send Legolas in. We have much to discuss". Thranduil dismissed Tauriel with a wave of the hand.

She gave a small bow before turning and getting out as quickly as possible. Tauriel didn't want to spend a minute more in his presence. She didn't have far to go to find Thranduil's son. Legolas stood just outside, no doubt listening to proceedings, and now his guilt was plain to see.

"Tauriel…" The elf prince began.

"Why did you tell him? Why did you throw me to the dogs like that?" Tauriel felt betrayed, she couldn't keep the exasperation from her voice.

"You know how my father is… He demanded to know where you were, what was I to tell him?"

"You could have simply told him I stopped behind to care for the wounded. There would be no lie in that".

"He would not be satisfied with that answer Tauriel. He wanted to know everything, every detail, as if he were standing there by the lake himself". Legolas frowned. "Besides, I worry for you. It has not escaped my notice that the dwarf you healed holds a strange fascination for you… Even before you saved his life his eyes followed your every move in the prison".

What was this? Was Legolas jealous? Thranduil had indicated the elf prince had grown fond of her, did he see Kili as competition? Was he dressing it up as concern for her safety?

"Well you need not worry…" Tauriel's voice wavered as she spoke her next words with a heavy heart. "Thranduil has ordered me to kill the dwarf. I will kill him or be locked away in the cells".

Her obvious sorrow seemed to soften Legolas. "Tauriel… the dwarf's fascination, do you share it?"

That was a question she wasn't going to answer.

"I must go. I must ready for battle… Thranduil has asked for you". Tauriel abruptly put an end to the conversation and took her leave.

"Tauriel… Tauriel!" Legolas shouted after her, but she was already gone.

~oOo~

Fili drew closer to the fire, warming himself against the cool night air that bit at his back. The campfire gave off a comforting crackling and Fili found himself mesmerised by the delicate flyaway sparks that whirled about in the warm air. As his mind drifted the crackling became a roar and warmth became scorching heat. He was lost in an inferno. Fili shook his head free of the memories before they took him completely. He looked out into the night, it was calm and quiet. There was nothing to fear, he told himself. The dragon was dead, and his brother was safe.

"Are you alright?" Kili looked across at him with concern.

It took Fili a moment to answer; the entrancing flames caught his eye again.

"Yes… yes, I'm fine. I'm just going to take a walk". Fili got to his feet with a slight moan.

"Are you sure you should be walking?" Their roles seemed to reverse. Kili sounded like the worried older brother.

"It will help. I stiffen up if I sit too long". And it was true. A walk would clear his head, but his body with its aches and pains seized up if he did not move.

"Then I shall come with you". Kili started to make a move.

"No, stay by the fire. I know for a fact you should not be walking. How will your leg heal if you do not rest it? I will not wander far".

His brother gave Fili a somewhat hurt look before turning back to the fire. He didn't mean to push Kili away; he just needed a quiet moment away from everything and everyone. Fili's mind felt a chaotic mess, filled with dragon fire, pain and death. A quiet moment in the cold night air would help settle it.

A few stray rain drops fell from the dark sky as Fili turned his back on the fire. With his first steps pain shot through his bruised limbs and aching joints. Oin had given him a draught to mute the worst of it. The healer thought it a miracle Fili hadn't broken anything. Still he felt like… well, like a dragon had fallen on him. Each step seemed to work out the stiffness, and so Fili kept circling around the campfires. He joked about the dragon falling on him. He told the others what happened with a flair of heroic panache, but the fear… the fear had still not left him, and he would say nothing of it.

If Fili stared into the flames of their harmless campfire too long he found himself standing in Laketown, surrounded by a maelstrom of fire. It robbed him of breath, even as he gasped at the clear air by the side of the lake. He would come to with Kili's hand on his arm, and his brother's worried eyes searching his own. But Fili would say nothing of where he had been. He never explained how he faced the dragon, with his trembling hands at the windlance. He said nothing of the crippling fear that took his heart, or the tears that graced his cheeks. For he was sure death was the only outcome. Success would only mean taking the dragon with him.

Smaug had seen Fili. He laughed. The sound, like a rumble of thunder, reverberated through the dwarf's very bones. Fili had never felt so small in all his life. Smaug taunted him with his dead kin under the mountain, with the fact he would miss his mark… The dragon flew dangerously close. It would be easy to flick his tail and shatter the tower, along with Fili. But Smaug was vain; he wanted his victim's spirit broken in light of his greatness. And then he would break their bodies. For mindless death was no real sport to a dragon… Shattering a heart… now that took real artistry.

With every pass Fili tried to aim… _take the shot, take the shot, take the shot_… but he froze. He only had one chance. _One chance_. That was it. Fear gripped his heart. If he loosed the arrow at the wrong moment it was all over, for him and everybody else. Then the dragon flew close, wings spread wide, exposing the missing scale… It was a taunt. He was giving Fili the opportunity, knowing he wouldn't take it. Well Smaug didn't know the line of Durin as well as he thought he did… A sudden spark of anger rose up in the young dwarf's heart. It was now or never. Fili loosed a battle cry and the black arrow launched into the air.

Time seemed to slow down. Fili watched the arrow cut its way through the air as if he was apart from the world. He felt a small sense of elation as the shaft hit its mark, sinking deep into the dragon's flesh. It was only small for Fili knew what came next. Time caught up to him and Smaug's dying shriek rendered the dwarf nearly deaf. Fili threw himself away from the windlance. He did not expect he would be able to escape, but it was in his dwarven nature to try… to fight for life until the very last breath. The dragon's lifeless body hit Laketown, it set everything shaking. Fili was thrown from his feet and tumbled down the tower stairs, end over end. He hauled himself to his feet, staggering off in what he hoped was the right direction. Sound and sight seemed to come to him from the end of a long tunnel. Was this death stealing his senses? No… he drew breath, he carried on. The young dwarf ran haphazardly through what remained of the streets. As Fili went along his footing kept giving way, the town was collapsing into the lake all around him. It was only a matter of time before he fell with it.

When finally Fili's feet fell and his scrambling grip found nothing to hold onto, the young dwarf met the water with a crash. The shock of the cold lake took his breath away and he sunk under the water before really knowing what had happened. Instinct told him to fight for air, to get to the surface… but it was dark in the murky depths. Telling up from down was difficult. The water was littered with debris plunging into the lake all around him. Fili flailed and grabbed onto something, maybe it would float, maybe he would wash up on the shore, maybe this was the end…

Fili ran from the campfire to flee the past. He broke from his thoughts of the dragon and realised it was perhaps the future that should worry him more. Their gold now lay unguarded under the mountain, except for a handful of dwarves… Fili was adamant Smaug had been lying about killing his kin. Until he saw their bodies they were alive in his mind. The alternative was unthinkable… if they were dead… if _Thorin_ were dead… he would be King. And Fili was not ready for that. So he would not consider it. The four dwarves left in Laketown would do well to join their kin at the mountain sooner rather than later. Eyes would be turning to the dwarven gold. They would be needed to defend it, and it would not do to be stuck a league away should trouble come.

Trouble… there was a word that brought his brother to mind. And matters of the heart seemed the least of their troubles, but it would bring trouble all the same. Especially if Thorin found out. Fili meant what he said, he would see his brother happy, and if that meant overcoming deeply held prejudices then it would be done. In any case the elf maid had proven herself in Fili's eyes. Saving Kili's life time and again was enough for that. But it would not be enough for Thorin. Fili had tried to make light of it in front of Kili, he would speak for his brother of course… but Fili was sure Mahal himself could speak on Kili's behalf and Thorin would not have it. Fili could imagine the fallout… Thorin ranting of betrayal, casting Kili out… it would not be pretty. Oh Kili… why could he not simply fall for a dwarf maid? He was never one to take the easy route, not even in matters of the heart it seemed.

As Fili lingered at the edge of the camp the wind picked up, giving the stray rain drops a little more bite. He pulled his cloak about him and thought about heading back.

"Fili, may I speak with you?" Bard called to him from the shadows.

"Of course you may". Fili moved further out to meet him, leaving the scant light of their campfires behind.

"I apologise for the cloak and dagger nature of our meeting, but I would rather not be seen or over heard… You know the situation with my people. The Master is missing, assumed dead, and we are for the most part leaderless. Well a few of the guard and elders are trying to jostle for that position, but it is a mess". Bard couldn't help but sound despondent.

"Why do you not take the position yourself?" Fili ventured. "You would make a fine leader for these people".

"It is not a position I seek…"

"Which makes you all the more suited for it". Fili said pointedly.

"Anyway, this is not what I came to talk to you about". Bard deflected that particular line of conversation. "I came to warn you. They are not united on who should lead, but they are all of a mind to claim your gold".

"There is no need for hostility. I would see Laketown compensated for its losses, Thorin would surely listen…"

"They do not think Thorin will listen. Well there are many voices with many thoughts. Some think Thorin will be deaf to our pleas, some think Thorin dead and the hoard free for the taking… Still others speak of gaining leverage against him, and that's where their eyes turn to you. They would ransom you for a share of the gold, and that is why I came to warn you".

"Bard, do you mean to say we are in danger?" Fili kept his voice low, but it was full of disbelief. After all they had been through these people were going to turn on them?

"I cannot say how grave the danger... you cannot be ransomed if you are dead after all, but you would be captives, bound and restrained. I have counselled against this course of action, but they dismiss what I say, they know I have dealt with dwarves and they think me on your side. Which is why I am eager not to be seen talking to you about this. I can only urge you to leave as soon as possible".

Fili frowned, slightly shocked at what he was hearing. "Thank you for coming to me with this Bard. I must inform my kinsmen… If I do not speak to you again then I wish you the best of luck. You can be sure I will urge Thorin to compensate Laketown fairly, and I meant what I said – you will make a fine leader, I hope you will consider it".

"My thanks to you Master Dwarf… for everything". Bard clasped a hand to Fili's shoulder. "May your journey be swift, I hope we meet again under better circumstances".

With that the pair turned to leave, going their separate ways into the night.

~oOo~

The fire hissed in protest as raindrops hit the flames. Kili quietly seethed at hearing his brother's news. Was there always something to fight against? Would they never have a moments rest?

"We should leave now. We have little left to take with us, everything is here. We can slip away quietly in the night… I am fit to travel". Kili tacked on that last bit at seeing the doubt in his companion's eyes.

"I think I am a better judge of that, and you need your rest. You both do". Oin looked pointedly at Fili.

"No, Kili is right, we can leave now. I would rather rest under the mountain than in chains". Fili started clearing away their camp.

"Right, King Fili has spoken, even if we end up carrying him to the mountain…" Bofur in his mock cheer joined in, but then Fili interjected.

"What did you call me?" The young dwarf suddenly stopped, his voice became hard and unforgiving.

Bofur paused. "… King Fili".

"Why?"

"Well you are Thorin's heir…"

"I am not yet crowned, and Thorin is not yet dead. Do not call me that again". Fili resumed clearing the camp.

"My apologies… Prince Fili". Bofur said somewhat testily.

It did not take them long to pack away their scant belongings. And then carefully watching the people nearby, the dwarves crept away. Their exit went unnoticed. Everyone was huddled around their own fires, deep in their own conversations, and there were few on watch. Still, their absence would be noted sooner or later. Hopefully late enough for them to gain some distance.

The dwarves were clear of the lake by the time morning came. They found themselves walking an ancient well worn path, though it had now fallen into disuse. Clumps of grass poked through the carefully placed stones marking the way. Other slabs were cracked and scattered, pieces had been strewn over the verge with time. Once this road would have seen much traffic between the mountain, Dale and Esgaroth… now nature reclaimed what man and dwarf had abandoned.

Kili looked down at the stones in front of him. He had started off strongly having had some time to rest, but truth be told he was starting to feel the pain of his leg again. He slowed down, being careful about putting weight on the limb. Then he started to limp, trying not to put weight on the limb at all. So Kili started to watch the stones as he walked. He told himself to make the distance of five slabs, and then he would make it five more. He had dropped to a distance of two when Fili's voice broke Kili's concentration.

"Give me your pack Kili"

"Why? I can manage".

"I can see you're struggling, just let me take it". Fili reached out a hand.

"Well so are you". Kili noted his brother was hardly striding ahead. Bofur was leading their company along with Oin who took occasional glances at the pair behind him.

"Don't try to make this about me…" Fili wiped the sheen of sweat from his brow, which made Kili realise he too was warm and breathing hard. "Stop it Kili, stop pretending you're fine. We can all see…"

Bofur had turned back to approach the two brothers. "_I'll_ take the lad's pack".

But Kili tried to shake him off when Bofur made to grab at it.

"For Mahal's sake, Kili!" Fili started, but was cut off when Oin intervened.

"Why don't we stop for a bit of rest eh? I think we could all do with it. Some more than others…" The older dwarf eyed the brothers carefully.

"Alright, let's get off the path, find some shelter…" Fili said reluctantly. No doubt he wanted to carry on.

The dwarves came across an outcrop of rocks that would shield them from view. Still, Fili asked Bofur to keep watch. The men of Laketown might be in pursuit. The haphazard arrangement of rocks around them seemed to draw the wind. It turned from a playful breeze to a chilling gust that howled its way through the stones.

"I don't like it here, I can almost hear voices on the wind…" Kili shivered.

"You're just imagining it… ow!"

"Sorry lad, that bruise seems a bit tender".

"I didn't need you to tell me that" Fili scowled. The brothers sat by one another while Oin poked and prodded their wounds.

"I would put a salve of arnica on it if I had any… Hopefully I will have a chance to replenish my supplies when we reach the mountain. I used almost everything on the people of Laketown".

"Can we go yet?" Kili looked at their surroundings darkly. A particularly strong gust of wind made him pull his cloak about him nervously.

"We have hardly spent five minutes sitting down. Rest Kili, there are no voices on the wind".

"I remember when we were younger and you told me the wind was filled with the sound of wizards casting spells". Kili lay his head on his brother's shoulder. "You said they made storms when they were angry".

"Oh yes". Fili smiled wistfully. "I also remember telling you there was a monster under the trapdoor in Thorin's chambers".

"That wasn't funny Fili. Especially not when you pushed me down there and sat on it".

"Older brothers can be so cruel". Oin said with a slight grin.

"Well you have returned the favour many times since then! Need I mention you cutting my braids off while I slept?" Fili gave his brother a slight poke in the ribs.

"Oh mother was so angry… I think angrier than you even". Kili smiled.

"And Thorin laughed. I had quite forgotten what the sound of his laughter was like…"

"You did look quite silly with all those tufts of hair sticking out". Kili's smile turned suddenly sad. "I'm sure we'll hear him laugh again. Once we're settled in the mountain and times of plenty return… I'm sorry Fili".

"It's alright, the hair grew back".

"No, I mean I'm sorry for you stopping behind. I'm sorry you missed Erebor… it's my fault. I shouldn't pretend, I made everything worse, if I had let myself be treated earlier it might not have got so bad…"

"You have nothing to be sorry for. First of all, Erebor is still going to be there. I haven't missed it. Secondly, you suffered a wound borne of dark power. It was going to be bad whether you said anything or no… but you are right on one thing. You shouldn't pretend".

"I suppose I just don't want to be seen as weak… a burden".

"And you are neither of those things. I know what it is, this need to be seen as strong. All my life I have had the 'Heir of Durin' title hanging over my head, and it made me feel I had to prove myself to the other dwarves. To show I am worthy of it. But pretending when you are hurting does you no favours. Even the strongest of men have their moments of weakness, and there is no shame in it".

"Then I will try not to pretend… if you try not to pretend". Kili had the feeling this talk was more of a 'do what I say, not what I do' nature.

"Deal. Besides, I would rather see the halls of our fathers at your side. I would rather see it now… We will walk through the great doors of Erebor like the Princes we are, not sneak in a back door like a thief in the night. We will see it as it was meant to be seen. We will be welcomed home to our kingdom by pillars of stone and carven statues of kings of old. I would rather see it this way… I would rather see it our way".

Kili exhaled the breath he was holding. Trying to imagine that moment… "Do you think it will be as great as Thorin said?"

Oin gave them a warm smile. "It will be greater".

~oOo~

When they set off Kili looked to the mountain, not the stones at his feet, as a guide. It loomed before them, a monument to their ancestors, and a hope for the future. Each step brought it closer. They had walked on without rest, neither brother pretended they were alright, but they _needed_ to go on… They held each other up, while Bofur and Oin carried their burdens.

Eventually the doors came into sight. They were smashed and scattered about the ground in front of the mountain, for it was where Smaug had broken through in his flight to Laketown. But that could not diminish the glory of Erebor. The towering entrance to the mountain was intricately carved with angular turrets and buttresses. To each side stood a great stone guardian wielding an axe, glaring at the horizon, daring any to assault their mountain kingdom.

"We made it" Fili whispered reverently.

Kili said nothing. He hardly dared breathe. But Oin was right… in all of Thorin's tales of the mountain he could not have imagined such magnificence.

Oin and Bofur dropped back as they neared the door, giving the two Princes their moment to cross the threshold. They navigated around the precarious fallen stones carefully, and stepped inside.

Kili gasped, nearly falling to his knees. He felt his brother clutch onto him more tightly, Fili was similarly speechless. They stared at the great hall before them with wide eyes. The shaft of light from the broken doorway lit a dusty floor that betrayed a slight sheen of the polished stone it once was. Motes of dust drifted lazily about in the air, disturbed only by the soft breath of the two dwarves. They were nearly stunned with the sheer beauty of this place. The light did not spread far, and their eyes had not had time to adjust to the darkness. When Kili looked up it seemed the hall was endless, it would surely reach up to the sky where a starless night had descended, for there was no hint of a ceiling. The longer they stared the more was revealed. Great pillars stretched off into the distance, Kili felt it would take a day to run around each. He tried to see where they ended and could not… His eyes blurred with tears at the sight before him. He gasped, trying to find something to say. All words felt inadequate. Kili did not want to cheapen this with misplaced words. His mouth opened and closed and he settled for silence.

"I know brother, I know…" Fili whispered at his side.

Fili shifted his grip on Kili and together they took a step forwards. It echoed around the great chamber and dust motes swirled in their wake.

"We're here, we're home. The Princes of Erebor have come. Imagine unfurled banners in the morning breeze, bearing the emblem of our house. Imagine horns calling us home, their triumphant song filling these halls. Imagine us striding these halls side by side, strong and tall, as we will".

"I see it, brother, I see it…" And Kili did. They were no longer displaced travellers limping into a long abandoned dust filled monument. They were Princes, returning to their glorious kingdom.

"Fili! Kili!"

The brothers turned to find Thorin running towards them from one of many passageways leading away from the main chamber. His arms were thrown wide and they quickly found themselves caught in a tight embrace.

"I am so glad to see you alive… the dragon… I thought…"

"What Uncle, you thought a dragon could best me?" Fili said with a certain twinkle in his eye.

"Fili shot the dragon down! I'm sure Bofur has already written a song about it". Kili laughed.

"I am so proud of you, both of you". Thorin stood back, a hand on each of his nephew's shoulders. "It seems just yesterday young Kili ran up to me excitedly telling me his brother had shot down a deer. Now he comes with news you have killed a dragon!"

Kili was sure he could detect unshed tears shining in Thorin's eyes. He was unused to seeing this side of his Uncle. It had been too long since he had seen Thorin laugh or show any sign of affection. He would revel in it while it lasted.

"Come, you must rest and eat. The others will be glad to see you, and then I can show you this wondrous place, your birthright, my treasure…"

At the mention of '_Thorin's treasure_' an icy hand gripped Kili's heart. But he kept quiet and followed his Uncle, glad for a chance to rest his weary feet.


	5. Chapter 5

**Note: **Quotes from Philip Pullman's "The Golden Compass" and Linkin Park's "No More Sorrow". 

**Chapter 5**

True to his word Thorin showed the two brothers around their mountain kingdom. He was most eager for them to see the treasure hoard, and it worried Kili to see his eyes light up so. There was such desire in those depths… and he knew their ancestors had fallen to a madness borne from the love of gold. The others too seemed to delight in their new found riches. Only Fili shared Kili's look of concern.

They found themselves now seated in a small chamber with a roaring hearth. Kili noted how Fili sat as far away from the fire as he could get. It was something he would perhaps tackle his brother about later. Thorin and Balin sat with them, while the others had gone to see what could be done to shore up the broken doorway.

"Uncle, I think the men of Esgaroth should be given a share of our treasure so they might rebuild their town. It was our disturbing of the dragon that caused its destruction after all".

Fili must have deemed it a good time to broach this thorny subject. Kili watched for his Uncle's reaction warily.

"I do not think they deserve it. They were no help against the beast; they let it sit there for years on end". Thorin sounded calm enough…

"They let us depart with weapons and armour, they did what they could. It was not their kingdom to reclaim". Fili pressed his point.

"No, it is mine, as is the treasure. They will get nothing". Thorin cut his hand through the air to emphasise his point.

"But Uncle…"

Thorin interrupted his nephew.

"I said they will get nothing, and that is an end to the matter". Thorin's tone was turning dangerous.

"I fear they will take up arms against us. Bard told me they were intent on getting a share of the treasure. He said they were considering taking us to ransom…"

A familiar spark of anger lit up in Thorin's eyes then. "They would dare to take my kin hostage? Then they will certainly get nothing! I would not dirty my hands dealing with them!"

Fili looked to Balin as if seeking help in his argument. The older dwarf gave a slight shake of the head… _not now… this is not the time_…

"If they wish to take up arms let them. The men of Esgaroth will not breach the mountain, not unless they have another dragon to hand. Besides, I have sent for aid from Dain. We will need help if we are to restore Erebor to its former glory and if that now involves fending off the men of Esgaroth then so be it".

"There is no need for bloodshed. Bard is a good man, I urged him to lead his people. They clamour for our treasure and I do not think he can stop them, but we can treat with him. Let us end this with words not swords". Fili would not let it go.

"I will not treat with any who could threaten me or my kin so. Balin, do we have word from Dain?"

"A raven returned a short time ago. He is on his way with five hundred of his best dwarves". Balin dug around in his pockets and pulled out a sheaf of paper for Thorin to read.

Thorin ran his eyes over the message before tossing it into the fire. "This is good news. Let the men of Esgaroth come, they will die before ever setting eyes on the mountain".

~oOo~

As the days passed Thorin spent more and more time with the treasure. He claimed to be looking for the Arkenstone, and no doubt he was… but hours spent with the hoard of gold seemed to fulfil him more than time spent with his kin. Occasionally others joined Thorin in his search and they seemed similarly taken with the gold when they returned.

Fili and Kili were worried, Bilbo too had admitted to being concerned for the company's leader. They were finally moved to say something when Thorin caught Nori examining jewels he had taken from the hoard. Thorin roared that he was a thief; they came to blows and had to be pulled apart. That was when Thorin ordered Nori be taken to a prison cell. They all stared at him in disbelief, but he insisted it be done.

When things had calmed down a little Fili and Kili approached their Uncle while Bilbo hovered in the background.

"Uncle, will you sit? We wish to speak with you". Kili ventured.

Thorin paced the small room they were in like a caged animal. "I'll have to watch them… all of them. Any could be stealing treasure. They might have stolen the Arkenstone! I will have them all searched".

"Please Uncle, stop this nonsense and sit down". Kili tried again.

"How dare you speak to me in such an insolent manner, you whelp! 'Nonsense' you call it? Why so? It is because you have the stone? Let me start with you!"

Thorin grabbed Kili roughly by the arm and pulled him to the middle of the room. The young dwarf nearly fell to the floor being unsteady on his legs and unbalanced so. Thorin's iron grip was the only thing holding him up. Fili intervened immediately, separating them and pushing Thorin into his chair.

"Stop this! Stop this now!" Fili yelled.

"Oh, so you have found your courage little Prince. But you are not King yet and cannot order me about!" Thorin bellowed but stayed seated.

Kili made it back to his own chair, absently rubbing at his arm. It was the gold sickness, he told himself… Thorin would not mean to hurt him.

Fili stood before Thorin, blocking Kili from view. "Please Uncle, you are not yourself. Can you not see? The treasure is getting to you; this is the same sickness that took Thror!"

"You know nothing!" Thorin bellowed. "I have to find it. I need it before Dain arrives… The Arkenstone bestows my right to rule, he will recognise it if I have the stone".

"No, the right to rule is in your blood, as it is in mine. The stone is nothing more than a petty symbol. You do not need it".

Thorin looked at Fili with a lost expression that hollowed his heart. "I need it…"

But before any more could be said Balin strode into the room, holding a piece of parchment with a grave look upon his face.

"A raven has just arrived with news. A legion of elves has joined with the men of Esgaroth. They are heading this way".

Fili took a step back and Thorin slowly got to his feet. He looked as if his thoughts were running a mile a minute.

"Fili, Balin, with me. We must make ready for war…" Kili caught Thorin's eye then. "You… you stop here, you are not needed, pup. You will get in the way".

Thorin swept out of the room with Balin close behind. Fili looked back at his brother with a helpless expression. He uttered an apologetic "Kili…" before turning and running after their Uncle. No doubt he was torn between bolstering his brother and trying to stop his Uncle. The latter had won out… but the latter was going to cause much more damage, and so Kili understood.

The young dwarf very nearly jumped at a small hand touching his arm. "He does not mean it, you know that? He is blinded by madness".

Kili had almost forgotten Bilbo was there.

"And maybe truth slips from between the lips of a madman". Kili answered despondently. "Ever has he thought me the weak one. Now if you'll excuse me I'll find somewhere else to be… after all, I'll only get in the way".

Kili gave a sad smile after repeating his Uncle's words, and then he made to leave, hoping Bilbo wouldn't follow. The young dwarf made his way outside to a balcony overlooking the entrance to Erebor. Night was falling and the stars were just starting to become visible. Kili closed his eyes and sighed, letting the strong breeze blow against his face. He liked it here, it was peaceful… and the stars reminded him of Tauriel.

And then… faint footsteps.

"You are quiet Master Hobbit, but not quiet enough". So Bilbo had followed him.

"I have no wish to intrude, if you don't want company I will take my leave". Bilbo turned to go.

"No… no, please, stop a while. The night is turning out to be a beautiful one. Do not miss it on my account".

The breeze was strong but playful, tousling Kili's hair about. He went to sit down and lean his back against the great stone wall; being behind the balcony shielded him from the wind somewhat, though it still howled above his head. Bilbo joined the young dwarf, coming to sit by his side.

"Your Uncle has been taken by a sort of madness, but he is not beyond recovery. I'm sure Gandalf will know what to do". Bilbo spoke softly and kindly.

"And where is Gandalf? I fear we will all be dead before Gandalf returns… if he ever returns. My Uncle's madness is going to kill us all".

"The old wizard may surprise us yet… Perhaps Thorin will see reason before we come to blows. There is enough treasure to rebuild Laketown ten times over and have plenty to spare. I'm sure there is enough here to rebuild the whole of Middle Earth! Surely he will realise losing a small sum is nothing compared to losing his kin?"

"Then you do not know my Uncle… have you seen what has been happening to him? He is stubborn at the best of times, but this madness has taken it beyond reason. I think he would be content to sit on a throne of our dead carcasses as long as he had that cold Arkenstone between his hands". Kili sighed; it was a sound devoid of all hope. "The men and elves will come, and Dain will join the battle. There is going to be such bloodshed Mr Baggins… I have not seen real war. I hoped I would never have to".

"Live in hope Master Dwarf; there is still time to turn the tide…" Bilbo became suddenly thoughtful. "You think the Arkenstone means that much to him?"

"Indeed, the treasure has caused this madness in him, and that blasted stone seems to be the key to it. Why, I would hurl it from these walls if I had it with me".

"Is that so? I will… hmm… I think I shall leave you to your thoughts now Master Kili. Have hope I say again". Bilbo gave Kili's arm a pat before taking his leave.

Kili turned his eyes to the stars and let his thoughts wander far, far away to another world…

~oOo~

Kili spent more and more of his time upon the balcony, especially at night when he could watch the stars. They were no longer a cold light to him now, but a comforting one. He could imagine Tauriel by his side, telling him tales of the firmament above. It took him away from this place… for a dark cloud hung over the mountain, a prelude to war. Kili wanted to escape it while he could, and so he came to watch the stars and remember a light that had touched him like no other.

The hour came when he would have to take his leave. When the need for sleep started to weigh on him more heavily than the need for escape… Reluctantly Kili got to his feet and made his way back inside. As he crossed one of the great chambers a strange scampering sound reached his ears… Kili turned to find Bilbo shoot out from behind a pillar. The hobbit spotted him and quickly spun on his heel to go back the way he had come.

Kili called out to him. "It is too late Master Hobbit. I've seen you. What are you doing out and about at this hour?"

Bilbo stopped and tiptoed over to Kili. "I could ask you the same thing".

"Well I have been stargazing, and now I return to my bed. I expect your intentions are a little more disreputable with the way you're sneaking about". Kili spoke with a smile, but Bilbo's face was deadly serious.

The hobbit drew closer and indicated Kili should join him behind a pillar where they would be out of sight.

"I have a way we might avoid war". Bilbo spoke in harried, hushed tones, though the hobbit seemed conflicted. His manner spoke of someone battling over whether to show his hand.

"Then waste no time, tell it to me!"

"The Arkenstone… you said it was the key to Thorin's madness, that he prized it above all else?" Bilbo began to fidget with a hessian bag at his belt.

"I did…" Kili answered warily.

"Then if it were to fall into the hands of his enemies, surely he would trade a small share of the treasure to get it back? Say, enough treasure to rebuild Laketown?"

"Bilbo, are you saying what I think you're saying?" All formality fell away as realisation dawned on Kili.

"If you think I am betraying your Uncle and stealing his most prized possession, then no… but if you think I am doing what I have to in order to broker peace, then yes". Bilbo looked at Kili, suddenly afraid.

"You have it?" Kili's head was spinning. Here was something that might actually work… here was something that might doom them all when Thorin found out. His anger, touched by madness as it was, would be unimaginable.

In answer Bilbo took the bag and opened it a crack… just enough for Kili to see the radiance of pure light within.

"I should… I should stop you". Kili muttered absently. "If I were to do my duty… I couldn't let you pass".

His eyes seemed to stare through Bilbo for a moment before snapping back to reality.

"But I have seen no hobbit this night, and certainly no accursed stone. Go with all haste my friend. We both betray him… but it is for his own good and the good of us all".

Kili left for his bed and did not look back. Thorin was going to be furious when he found the Arkenstone was gone and in enemy hands no less. The fact they were seen as enemies at all said enough. Thorin was seeking blood where he might have sought peace. His wroth would be terrible to behold… Kili recalled the fierce grip about his arm. What consequence would this betrayal bring?

~oOo~

The night was a beautiful one, Tauriel thought, too beautiful to be spent contemplating threat of war and violence. The elves had set up their encampment before the mountain, and alongside the men of Laketown. Fortunately Thranduil had been counselled to join with the men instead of crush them. Although he probably agreed because he would rather have the men die before his elves.

While all around her readied for battle, Tauriel was searching for one thing… a way to save Kili. If he was to join the battle Thranduil would have her kill him, or he would surely kill the dwarf himself. How could she make sure this never came to pass? Tauriel could not simply hope they would not meet on the field. There was much confusion in the midst of battle, but elven eyesight could pick a black haired dwarven archer out with ease. Thranduil would make sure she found him.

And then word reached her that there was a strange envoy from the mountain. A hobbit had come to treat with them… Tauriel made her way to Thranduil's tent where the meeting was taking place. It was large and elaborately decorated, as was the Elf King's wont. Tauriel was about to enter when hesitation stayed her hand. She had not been called for, and would probably be sent away… especially considering Thranduil's treatment of her thus far. He thought her a sympathiser to the dwarven cause. No… it would be better to linger outside and learn what she may. Though Tauriel felt it underhanded to eavesdrop, she would at least hear the truth of the matter.

The meeting had already started. Thranduil seemed to be steering the conversation. The hobbit spoke nervously, but he had courage to stand there nonetheless. Occasionally Bard's voice interjected, he was a young leader, but he had a good heart and a wise head on his shoulders.

"And what do you wish for in return? A share of the riches?" Thranduil asked in a challenging tone.

"No… no, my contract allows for a share already, though I would gladly go without it".

"Well what do you want then?" The elf King seemed baffled.

"Peace my Lord. I only do this to stop the bloodshed. Thorin prizes that jewel above all else. He will do anything to get it back, I am sure he will agree to give you a share of the treasure".

"And what if he doesn't? What if he takes up arms and uses force to get it back?"

"I… I am sure he realises he is outnumbered and outmatched. Even with Dain's forces bolstering him you have the advantage".

"Very well, we shall see if your plan works Master Hobbit. You clearly have more faith in Thorin's reason than I…"

Bard cleared his throat then. "Master Baggins, you do not have to return to the mountain if you do not wish to. If war is on its way the battlefield is no place for a hobbit. You may lodge with my people if it pleases you".

"My thanks Master Bard, your offer is kind, but I will return to the mountain. Though I betray Thorin in my actions I would not desert the company. We started this together and we shall end it together".

"Please escort Master Baggins safely to the edge of our encampment". Thranduil addressed his guards.

"No, I will see it done". Bard spoke up.

Tauriel backed off as they made to leave. She would not be caught eavesdropping, but she desperately wanted to speak with the hobbit. He would be able to get a message back to Kili. The tent flap flew open and Bilbo came out, Bard joined him and they walked into the night, Bard's hand companionably upon the hobbit's shoulder. Tauriel followed at a distance, one at which she could keep up but their mortal eyes would not be able to catch sight of her.

Finally Bard gave the hobbit a friendly shake of the hand and turned back to the encampment. Tauriel stepped forwards and followed the hobbit aways before softly calling out to him. She didn't want anyone from their camp seeing this conversation. The news would surely find its way back to Thranduil.

"My Lady, how might I help you?" Bilbo stared at her with reverence.

"Will you take a message to Kili?"

"Of course…" He seemed confused as to why an elf would want to send a message to the young dwarf.

"Tell him to stay away from the field of battle. I know he is brave, I know he will stand and do his duty… but tell him to stay away. If he feels anything for me he will do as I ask". Tauriel looked over her shoulder, back at the flickering fires of their distant camp. "I would say much more, but time is short, I will be missed".

"I will make sure to tell him".

"Thank you Master Hobbit". Tauriel smiled warmly, though her eyes shone with sorrow.

As she turned to go Bilbo called after her. "My Lady, who shall I say the message is from?"

"Tauriel". Her soft voice answered.

~oOo~

Kili stepped out from behind a pillar when he heard the hobbit sneaking back in. He had not been able to sleep knowing what was going on out there.

"The deed is done then?"

Bilbo started, not expecting to find the dwarf up and about.

"Aye, it is done…" He made to scurry off, but paused and came back to Kili. "An elf maid asked me to pass a message on to you. She said to stay away from the field of battle… that if you feel anything for her you will stay away. Her name was Tauriel".

Kili's heart flew at hearing her name, but he frowned. Why would she ask that of him? If battle came he could not sit at the sidelines… he could not refuse to fight like some coward. It would make him seem weak, but perhaps more importantly he could not see his brother fighting alone out there. Kili felt for her, oh how he felt for her… but he would not leave his brother. Nothing could come between them. No elves, no men, no dragon… _nothing_ would sunder the brothers.

"Then I sincerely hope your plan works… I do not think I can do as she asks".

Bilbo gave him a curious look. "Do you feel for her? An elf?"

"If you were any other of my kin I might deny it. But why should I? Yes, I feel for her". Kili sounded defiant; he expected some derisory comment back from the hobbit.

"I can see why, she is quite beautiful". Bilbo smiled wistfully.

Kili was glad the hobbit did not make fun, he return the smile. "Beautiful is not the word Master Baggins, I constantly fail to find an adequate word to describe her…"

"Maybe one day it will come to you. Good night Kili, it was nice not meeting you here…" Bilbo winked and strolled away.

"Sleep well hobbit… who I most definitely haven't seen". Kili smiled, though their attempts to lighten the mood left his heart hollow in light of what they had done…

~oOo~

_When a little boy is growing, he thinks he is immortal  
His mother knows he isn't_

Fili seethed as he went to find his brother. Thorin would not listen to reason and he became increasingly agitated away from the treasury. The mountain of gold seemed the only thing that brought him any comfort, though he was still restless with the Arkenstone's absence. Something had to be done. Something drastic.

Kili had taken to spending time amongst the balconies and parapets over the mountain entrance. It did not take long for Fili to find him, leaning over the edge, eyes set on the distant encampment. Fili could guess what was on his brother's mind…

"Do you think she's down there?" Fili asked.

"I know she is". Kili replied with a smile.

"How so?"

"I can tell…"

"Remain mysterious if you must then". Fili sighed heavily and came to rest beside his brother. "Thorin has become like the dragon, winding his way amongst the gold, drinking it in… breathing it in".

"You have had no luck with him?"

"I would have more luck moving the mountain than Thorin. The sickness has a strong hold on him, and it is beginning to grip the others".

"We should never have come. This quest was a mistake". Kili cast his eyes down despondently.

"How were we to know the mountain we sought would be the undoing of us?"

"Thror - was he not warning enough? It runs in Thorin's blood… in _our_ blood".

"No, not yours or mine. The hoard holds no power over us".

"Maybe in time we would succumb to it too… Maybe we would clamour for blood over reason as he does". Kili drew away from the parapet; he turned his back on the encampment and found Fili's eyes. "I will fight if I have to, but I do not want to. I have the feeling war is a grisly business… nothing like the short skirmishes we have seen thus far".

Fili came away from the parapet too, sensing his brother opening up, needing this moment between them. "I fear it is so… When young we were told glorious tales of conquering warriors. I always wanted to stand by Thorin, Dwalin and the others as they fought the Battle of Azanulbizar. But there was always something sorrowful hidden in Thorin's eyes when he spoke of it. It seemed as if he needed to tell tales of glory or the grief would crush him".

"It won't be like the stories; it won't be like dispatching a rag tag band of goblins. Butchery… that is what we will find on the field of battle". Kili reached out a hand to finger the hilt of Fili's sword. "Learning to fight was such a game; we played at being heroes… The truth is that this is a tool, a tool for taking lives, nothing more".

Fili took in a deep breath. He could not let this dark depression take his brother. "Don't see it that way. This is also a tool for saving lives. It can be raised in defence of others… those who cannot defend themselves".

"Maybe so…" Kili reached into his pocket and took out a dark stone to wind between his fingers. "Do you think we shall ever return home?"

Fili knew what that stone was. He had watched their mother pull Kili back as they left on their journey. Fili saw her press the stone into his hand and kiss his forehead with tear filled eyes. _"Promise me… promise me you will come back"_.

"Of course we will". Fili answered confidently.

"I do not wish to die… when I was poisoned I begged for death to escape the pain. I longed for it, for life was nothing but torture. But Tauriel saved me… she brought me back, and now I want to hold on to life more than anything". Kili met his brother's eyes earnestly. "I have a promise to keep".

"And so you shall. War is not a foregone conclusion, not yet. This is why I wanted to talk to you. We might be able to overpower Thorin and take him to a cell; we can deal with the elves and men ourselves then. There need be no bloodshed".

"Overpower Thorin? He could take us both with a hand tied behind his back!"

"Now I think that's an exaggeration…"

"And what of the others? They are touched by his madness; do you think they will stand by while we lock Thorin away?"

"We can lure him somewhere alone… then explain his absence to them somehow". Fili felt he was grasping at straws in the face of his brother's opposition.

"If we set upon Thorin we are the ones who will end up in a cell". Kili said darkly.

"What then? We must do something! Have you a plan of your own? Have you been out here thinking of answers or elf maidens?" Fili suddenly felt frustrated. He had spent so much time trying to deal with Thorin while Kili allowed himself an escape.

"Fili…" His brother looked hurt. "There is… I have…"

Fili sighed and looked to his feet before his brother. "I'm sorry. I should not shout at you. It's not your fault… I suppose you can only spend so long in the company of madmen before you start feeling a little mad yourself".

Kili took his brother's arm in hand then. "Just give it a little time. Things have been set in motion. Let events unfold…"

Fili did not like the sound of that. "Kili… what have you done?"

"Nothing, and that is the truth". Kili's hand fell away. "I just ask that you wait".

"Very well… I will trust you in this. Will you not come inside? It grows cold out here".

"No, I'll stay a while longer. The wind is refreshing… and the company of mad men is tiring". Kili added with a small smile.

"Alright, I suppose I should go and see if Thorin is any more amenable to freeing Nori. I don't hold out much hope, but I can't stop trying".

With a heavy heart Fili took his leave and made for Thorin's chambers.

~oOo~

_I see pain  
I see need  
I see liars and thieves_

Fili reached his destination and he knocked hard, only entering when met with silence. The atmosphere in the room was heavy; the air seemed thick enough to cut with a knife. Thorin sat in a chair by the hearth, staring at the flames, or through the flames… he seemed in another world entirely.

"Uncle? May I speak with you?"

It took him a moment to answer.

"You may speak. I cannot promise an answer you will like".

"I came to ask for clemency, for Nori, he…"

"I told you before; the thief stays where he is". Thorin said with a hard voice. His eyes remained on the fire.

"But Uncle…"

Another knock came at the door then and Balin entered. The old dwarf's face was drained of all colour.

"Balin, are you unwell?" Fili asked with concern.

"I come with ill news…" Balin ignored the question and moved to stand by Thorin's side. "A raven has come with a message from the encampment below. They invite you to meet with them, to discuss terms".

"And why would I do that?" Thorin practically hissed.

"They have the Arkenstone".

At that Thorin tore his gaze away from the fire. He shot to his feet, mouth agape. Fili saw his Uncle's eyes hollow; it seemed as if the world had fallen all about him. The last time he had seen a look of such loss on his Uncle's face Thorin had been speaking of his fallen kin… he had been telling Fili and Kili of their father's death.

Anger quickly replaced sorrow in Thorin's eyes.

"Who did this?" He whispered. "How did this come to be?"

The bottom dropped out of Fili's heart. Is this what Kili had been hinting at? Had Kili been involved in this somehow? Fili was moved to put water on the growing flames of Thorin's anger. "Uncle, I think-"

"I have been betrayed!" Thorin bellowed, spittle flecking the air before him.

Fili was fighting the flames of a dragon with nothing more than a hole filled bucket. No words would dampen Thorin's ire, not touched by madness as it was.

"I will find them. They will pay, whoever has stabbed me in the back so. Bring them all to the main chamber above. Do it now!"

Balin gave a slight bow and hurried away. Fili turned to his Uncle, floundering for something to say.

"You too! Get up there". Thorin growled. "I'll have none of your words… you have been speaking for _them_, the men of Laketown. Was it you? If you betrayed me I'll have you flayed alive. I don't care who you are. Traitors will be met with punishment!"

"I will be upstairs". Fili quickly took his leave. What could he say in the face of such madness? In any case, he would rather face Thorin with the others. Seeing how far his Uncle had fallen might bring them to their senses.

The chamber was smaller than any of Erebor's great halls, but it was still large enough for their voices to echo around the stone walls. Gradually the dwarves gathered as they were found by Balin. They were all seated at a long table made of oak and thick in years of dust. Thorin took his seat at the head of the table, and Fili sat opposite. They stared at each other across the distance. Two sides… a voice of reason, and a voice of madness. Fili wondered, maybe this would be the moment he could turn the tide.

Thorin stood and looked around the table at each dwarf in turn. He leant upon its surface; meeting their eyes in his effortlessly intimidating way… he seemed to glare twice as hard at the hobbit who unfortunately ended up sitting at Thorin's right hand. The silence between them all was strained. The air of the room seemed as tight as a fiddle string, and just as precarious. One peg turn too many and it would snap… everything would fall to pieces around them.

Then out of the tense stillness came Thorin's bellowing voice. "Where is my nephew? Where is the whelp?!"

It was then Fili noticed his brother was missing. Oh no…

"I could not find him". Balin muttered apologetically.

"I want him here!"

Ori innocently spoke up. "I saw him go out to the parapet earlier".

"Staring at the stars again is he?" Thorin's voice turned dangerous.

"I will fetch him". Balin stood slowly.

"No. I will bring the insolent pup back". Thorin's chair fell to the floor he pushed it back so violently.

Fili got to his feet and chased after him, Dwalin too left his chair, sensing trouble.

As they ran along behind Thorin Fili tried to urge his Uncle to calm down and see reason. His words were as useless as they had ever been. The stale air deep in the winding pathways of stone gave way to a cool, fresh breeze… Fili braced himself for impact. They were almost there.

"What is this?!" Thorin charged out onto the parapet and yelled at Kili who was sitting oblivious, his eyes turned to the sky.

"Uncle?" Kili got to his feet, frowning in confusion.

"Why are you out here? Why do you stare at the stars like some blasted elf? I want you inside!"

Fili shook his head at seeing a defiant spark in his brother's eye. _For Mahal's sake_ _don't challenge him… _

"I have found more joy in the company of elves than I have with you of late". Kili bit back a reply.

The blow came from nowhere. Thorin's fist flew and Kili sprawled against the hard stone floor. The young dwarf spat out a stream of blood.

Thorin came to grasp the front of Kili's shirt, shaking him. "How dare you… you would place elves above your own kin? They are distrustful, malignant, spiteful… no better than orcs and goblins… How came you to be so enamoured? Did that elf witch ensnare you with an enchantment? I heard you speaking in the prison, I thought you had a mind to use her for escape… now I see, she has bewitched you…"

"I love her!" Kili shouted.

Fili nearly put his head in his hands_… no… no… don't say that… not now… _Like Thorin's strike those words came out of nowhere. And Kili might as well have hit his Uncle.

The reaction was instant. Thorin shot to his feet with a roar, pulling Kili with him. He smashed the young dwarf against the wall and took him about the throat so fiercely he was lifted from his feet and over the edge. Kili was leaning backwards, bent nearly double. His feet scrabbled helplessly against the wall as the wind whipped at his hair… Below was an endless drop to the unforgiving ground. It seemed fathoms away. It was a drop none could survive… Kili tried to speak but he only managed strangled choking sounds.

"Uncle!" Fili moved to pull at Thorin's arm, trying desperately to free his brother.

"Love! Love you say?! I will tear you in two! I will have no blood of mine declare _love_ for an elf!"

Thorin spoke with unbridled fury. It was an anger Fili had never seen and hoped to never see again. He didn't know how far his Uncle would go. Would he cast Kili over the side in his blind rage?

"Uncle! This is Kili! Your sister-son! You would not harm him!" Fili's mind raced, wondering what to do._ What could he do?!_

Kili was turning pale and gasping for breath.

"That's enough Thorin". Dwalin stepped in, lending his strength to pull Thorin away.

Still his grip was strong and Thorin would not let go.

Fili's hand dropped to the hilt of his sword, he had no other answer. So it had come to this… the moment he would draw his blade on his own kin, his Uncle, his _King_.

Just then Dwalin changed tack. "Drop the lad Thorin, we have more pressing matters to attend to. The Arkenstone…"

Momentarily distracted by thoughts of his precious stone Thorin straightened and released Kili. It almost seemed as if he were in a daze. Mercifully the young dwarf slid back down until his feet touched the ground, but Thorin quickly recovered and he would not leave it at that. He threw Kili to his knees, Fili ran to his brother's side as he collapsed, heaving for breath with a hand to his tender throat.

Thorin himself was panting hard from the exertion. "You will come inside _elf lover_. I have been betrayed…"

Fili could see the cogs turning in Thorin's mind. The accusation was sure to follow.

"I have been betrayed to the _elves_… they have turned my own kin against me… You have betrayed me boy! It must have been you. Who else would see that jewel in the hands of an elf?"

Kili coughed harshly. "I have done nothing…"

"So he is a liar as well as a thief and a traitor! Oh we will have to make an example of you…"

Roughly Thorin took Kili by the hair. He cried out as he was pulled along, still not having fully recovered his breath.

"Thorin! Uncle! Please…" Fili begged.

"Not a word more from you, or you'll see the inside of a cell! To think it has come to this… betrayed by my own blood. Oh yes, we will make an example of you".


	6. Chapter 6

**Note: **I**'**m sorry I haven't had a chance to reply to reviews yet! It's been a busy day and the clock has just struck midnight... I'm ready for bed. But I thought you guys would rather me get the next chapter up at least :) Needless to say - thank you to everybody who has reviewed (and followed and faved)!

Quotes are from Snow Patrol's "The lightning Strike".

**Chapter 6**

Kili cried out as he was flung to the floor, landing heavily on the stone flags of the main chamber. The dwarves around the table all turned to look, their faces filled with confusion, and some with fear.

"Get up!" Thorin roared at him.

He couldn't. Kili gasped, his throat felt bruised. He was stunned… he had seen Thorin roused to anger time without count, but he had never seen his Uncle like this. It scared Kili… it scared him to think how far Thorin would go. Should he fear for his very life?

Thorin grabbed him by the hair and forced him up on to his knees, Kili's throat worked helplessly as his head was pulled back none too gently.

"Witness this traitor, kneeling here before you. Tell them what you did boy!" Thorin's voice echoed around the chamber, crashing into Kili from every direction

"Nothing". He choked out. "I have done nothing".

"Continue to lie and your punishment will be fourfold". Thorin hissed.

"I'm not… lying". Kili's breath shuddered.

Thorin let go of the young dwarf to strike him across the face. Kili fell back to the cold, hard ground.

"Then I will tell them. This whelp, this traitorous nephew of mine has been fool enough to fall in love with an _elf_".

An audible gasp arose from some of the company at the table.

"That is disgusting enough in itself, but treachery runs deeper in this one. Right down to the bone he is tainted. He took the Arkenstone and he delivered it into the hands of our enemy!" Thorin aimed a boot at Kili's ribs. "That precious stone gives us the right to rule, it is _my_ right to rule, _your brother's_ right to rule! You would betray your own brother!"

Fili shot forwards, ready to intervene. But Thorin turned to raise a savage finger to his face. "You stay where you are!"

"Uncle! This is not you!" Fili shouted.

"Fili… do as he says". Kili muttered. He would not see his brother get involved, if they both ended up in chains there would be no hope left at all.

"You are a disgrace to the line of Durin!" Thorin raised his heavy boot and brought it down on Kili's leg.

A shock of pain exploded from the still healing wound. Kili couldn't help but cry out as white sparks danced around his vision. He told himself to be strong, to bear this abuse without giving way, but it hurt, and it hurt more than physically. To have the hands that tended him as a child be the hands that choked the life out of him… it set Kili's mind reeling. He tried to latch on to his brother's words… _This was not Thorin_. His Uncle had been taken by some horrific sickness. The boot grinding his leg into the ground belonged to some other creature. Kili could almost imagine an orc besetting him… but the voice that savaged him with every word belonged to Thorin. There was no hiding that.

"You will disgrace our line no longer… From this day forward I have only one nephew, one heir!" Thorin looked over to Dwalin. "Take him to a cell. His share of treasure will be divided amongst the rest of you, as will his rations. Give him only enough to survive on".

A chair scraped back from the table then, and Bilbo stepped forwards.

"It was me". He said in a small voice.

"Speak up hobbit. I may have misheard you…" Thorin frowned.

Kili's heart froze at hearing the hobbit admit what he had done. Thorin's wrath would turn upon him instead… The young dwarf willed Bilbo to keep quiet. Kili would rather suffer than see him come to harm.

"I took the Arkenstone". Bilbo said a little louder.

"Your bravery is admirable, but you do not have to lie to save the hide of this wretch".

"It is no lie. I delivered the Arkenstone to the elves and men last night… I thought it would bring us peace. I thought you would give them some small share of treasure to get it back and they would leave satisfied".

Bilbo spoke so earnestly the disbelief in Thorin's eyes fell away.

"You thought wrong hobbit. I brought you on this quest to steal from the dragon, not steal from me! It was a mistake to bring you with us; I knew it the moment I first set eyes on you! I thought you ill suited for our quest, but I could not have imagined the heart of a traitor beat within your chest… Take him to the cells. Kili's fate will now fall upon him". Thorin spat his orders. "I have work to do… I must work to undo his treachery".

Thorin made to leave when Bilbo suddenly found the courage to shout out. "Will you not give them a little gold? Does it matter to you that much? You would beat your own nephew half senseless over a stone?"

Dwalin stepped forwards to guide the hobbit along before Thorin could come back at him. A dark look was Bilbo's only answer.

Kili felt someone pull at his arm, he realised Fili was trying to help him to his feet. He made an effort to get up, and when he did Thorin drew near.

"Do not think this makes a difference boy. You have still admitted your love for an elf. You have still shown me where your heart truly lies". Thorin said with a scowl.

"Thorin! Dain has arrived!" Balin interrupted, and Kili was grateful for it.

"Good, we will face the enemy together. Let them in! Fili, I want you there when we go to speak with the elves and men. Ready yourself". Thorin gave a last fierce look to Kili before leaving, taking the rest of the dwarves with him.

"Can you walk?" Fili asked softly.

"I think so…" In truth Kili's leg felt as though it were on fire again. He winced at putting weight on it.

"Let me get Oin".

"No! No… I'll be alright. I'm just a bit sore". Kili didn't want any more attention or fussing. He just wanted to be left alone… Thorin's words still clawed at him.

"What did we say about pretending?" Fili helped his brother along none the less.

"I know, I'm not pretending. My leg is hurting, but he has not reopened the wound. Everything else is just bruises. I will be alright… Thorin's words hurt more than his fists". Kili admitted reluctantly.

"Do not listen to him; his words are twisted by this gold sickness. I am sure he would be ashamed if he could hear himself speak". Fili paused to shift his brother's weight. "If you insist you are well I'll take your word for it... I'll get you back to your chambers and seek a draught from Oin all the same".

"There is no need to disturb him. Besides, you have duties to attend to…"

"Oh duty can go hang. I'm not like Thorin. You come before his blasted stone".

"He will need a voice of reason there". Kili pressed.

"For all the good it's done so far… I couldn't keep him from hurting you. I'm sorry". Fili spoke with so much sorrow he sounded as if he had hurt Kili himself.

"I would rather you stayed out of it".

"I should have stopped him… I should have…"

"Fili, don't torture yourself. You would only end up keeping Nori company in a cell… and poor Bilbo now. He will have us all locked away before long!"

When they reached Kili's room Fili helped him onto his bed. The younger dwarf pushed his brother's hands away and insisted he was perfectly capable of getting into bed by himself. But Fili had gotten into an overbearing sort of mood. Kili supposed he was feeling bad and was trying to make up for it in his own way… The young dwarf let Fili wipe the blood from his face and look at his leg. As Kili had said, the wound had not reopened. It was just sore, and now bore the stark imprint of a hefty boot. He watched Fili frown as he ran his fingers over the bruised skin.

"I failed…" Fili whispered almost inaudibly.

"You've failed at nothing Fili. Stop talking such rot". Kili hated seeing his brother so disheartened.

"I have to protect you, I always have done. Ever since you were old enough to walk I've followed your every step and kept you safe… and I failed". Fili kept his eyes downcast.

"Fili, you are not my guardian, you are my _brother_".

"Are they not one and the same thing?"

"Not when you insist on tormenting yourself so. Look at me Fili…" Kili was heartened to see his brother raise his eyes. "A guardian protects, and nothing more. He has a duty upon him to do so. You are my brother, and so much more. No duty compels you… it is love - the reason you care for my hurts, the reason you protect me. And love is the reason you must forgive yourself, for I am your brother too. This runs both ways. I would see you safe, I would rather Thorin beat me endlessly than see him raise a hand to you. But I hurt still… and it is not from any wound, it is from seeing the hurt you inflict upon yourself. Fili, _I_ am failing… I am failing to protect you from yourself. So please, if you love me, then you will stop".

Fili gave his brother a sad smile and simply reached forwards to embrace him.

"Very well, I am forgiven…" He whispered softly.

~oOo~

Too soon Fili was called to his Uncle's side. Thorin said nothing, though a dark look remained on his face. They had dressed themselves in what finery and armour they had found bearing Erebor's livery. Fili felt every inch the Prince in his gold brocade, though he found no courage in watching Thorin… His Uncle made a kingly impression, but Fili was sure he would wade in and make everything worse for them as soon as he opened his mouth.

Dwalin and Balin set out with them, together with Dain and two more of his company. Every discussion they had about how to treat with the elves and men Thorin shut down with his insistence they should return the Arkenstone for nothing. Every step closer to the enemy encampment felt like a step towards war in Fili's heart.

Everything seemed to be moving so fast Fili struggled to take it in. He was wondering what to say, how to act, and before he had come up with any answer they had been announced at the encampment and were led along to Thranduil's tent… A tent it might have been, but Fili could have mistaken it for a small palace. There was every comfort inside, and no mistake as to who it belonged to. The Elf King sat on a large carved wooden chair with antler motifs all about it. It was more of a throne than a chair to Fili's eyes. Thranduil stood to greet them. Bard by his side was in stark contrast to the Elf King. He was covered in a sheen of filth, his clothes were ragged and armour well worn. Fili supposed what little finery Laketown had was now at the bottom of the lake…

Thorin stepped forwards, Fili to his right and Dain to his left. The others had been asked to stop outside.

"Greetings Thorin Oakenshield. I am glad you have come to speak with us, will you be seated?" Thranduil spoke with a sort of faux benevolence.

"You have something that belongs to me". Thorin got straight to the point in his own blunt manner.

"A precious stone has come into our possession… We would be willing to trade it in return for a share of the gold and some jewels in the hoard that also belong to me". Thranduil's distaste shone through as he spoke of the jewels.

"It was stolen from me, it is only right that you should return it". Thorin scowled.

"And is it not right that you should pay towards the rebuilding of a town your own hand helped to destroy?" Bard spoke in an even tone, remaining reasonable under the circumstances.

"I did not destroy it, the dragon did". Thorin turned his glare on Bard.

"The dragon would have slept for another age if you had not awakened it". Irritation crept into Bard's voice at the bare faced denial.

Fili felt the need to intervene before this went any further downhill. He drew closer to Thorin and tried to speak under his breath. "Uncle… will you not reconsider? We have more than enough gold to spare some".

Of course his words would not go unheard before an elf.

"Listen to your nephew Thorin. He speaks with wisdom far beyond his years". Thranduil addressed Thorin with an inescapable haughtiness that riled his anger.

"No. If you will not return what was stolen from me you are no better than thieves yourselves!"

Fili inwardly cursed as his Uncle's temper burst forth.

"Where is the Arkenstone?! I demand to see it!" Thorin roared.

"You will see nothing!" Bard suddenly shouted. "Are you so cruel and cold hearted that you are blind to my people's suffering? We have nothing, we sit upon the side of the lake by our ruined home, cold and hungry. My children weep, they are awakened by dreams of dragon fire - Dreams you share Master Dwarf, you know what it is to have your home destroyed by that beast. And now we beg aid from you and you refuse. Just as you accuse the elves of turning their backs on you, you Thorin do the very same to us!"

Thorin's mouth hung open at this sudden assault.

Dain stepped forwards to place his hand on Thorin's shoulder. "Maybe we should step outside a moment and have a word…"

Fili had not had much time to acquaint himself with the dwarf from the Iron Hills. Even being distant blood as they were, Dain had lived on the opposite side of Middle Earth and they had rarely had chance to meet. Still, he appeared to be a reasonable enough fellow and seemed to share Fili's thoughts on the matter at hand. On the way to the encampment he had urged Thorin to share his wealth, though he had also said his men would fight until the bitter end for Thorin and Erebor… Fili just desperately hoped it wouldn't come to that.

Before Thorin had a chance to reply a joyful shout from outside reached their ears.

"Mithrandir!"

"Gandalf! It is good to see you again". Balin's voice filtered through the tent to them.

So Gandalf had returned. Fili's heart leapt, surely Gandalf would make his Uncle see sense. Surely the wizard would be able to do something about this accursed sickness.

Gandalf swept into the tent, grey robes flying all about in his haste.

"Where have you been wizard?! You abandoned us!" Of course Thorin went on the attack straight away.

"Thorin Oakenshield, I have been seeking out a malice that will bring this world to its knees while you sit about bickering over a few coins". Gandalf seemed in no mood to indulge Thorin's ire.

"I ask only for the return of that which was stolen from me!"

Thranduil and Bard went to argue when Gandalf's fell voice spoke out over all.

"And still you speak of treasure when I bring such grave news to your door! Thorin, you have become blinded by that hoard. I pray my news wakens you, for all your lives are at stake".

The sense of hope Fili had felt at seeing Gandalf quickly petered out. "What is it Gandalf? What grave news do you bring?"

"So it is the voice of the youngest that speaks the most sense amongst you. Turn your eyes away from the treasure, for an army of goblins and orcs march towards the mountain. You must lay down your petty arguments and join together against the real enemy. They outnumber you and there is not much time…"

Silence descended as Thorin, Thranduil and Bard glared at each other.

Fili stepped forwards then, taking it upon himself to be the voice of reason. "Peace… for goodness sake, peace be upon you. Did you not hear Gandalf? If none of you great folk want to be the first to give in I will say it – Peace! We have much to prepare and no time to do it in!"

Bard spoke up then. "Fili is right; we must put this argument aside for now and fight side by side as allies. Peace is my wish also".

Thranduil turned his cold eyes on Thorin. "What say you dwarf? Can you and your kin fight beside me and mine?"

Thorin glared daggers; his answer was slow in coming. "We can, for now… Don't think this matter is forgotten. I will have the Arkenstone".

Gandalf sighed in exasperation. "I would knock your heads together had I the time to do so! Thorin, go back to the mountain, ready your men. Thranduil, Bard, I must speak with you".

"Conspiring… they're conspiring against me…" Thorin started, but Fili grabbed one arm and Dain the other and they dragged him to the door.

"Come Uncle, we must make ready".

So war had come to them regardless… Fili cursed at how cruel fate could be.

~oOo~

Kili woke as soon as Fili burst into his room. The young dwarf had managed to sleep a little and felt much better for it, but his good mood died as soon as he saw the solemn look on his brother's face.

"What is it? Did the meeting not go well? Are we heading for war?"

"It wasn't going well… and then Gandalf interrupted". Fili sat down on the side of Kili's bed.

"Surely Gandalf would have argued for reason?" Kili asked perplexed.

"A wizard he might be, but magic could not have changed the news he brought. We go to war, but not against the elves and men. An army of orcs and goblins approach from the south… their numbers are in the thousands".

Kili's face paled. "So war is inevitable…"

At that the young dwarf made to get to his feet. If war was coming he would have to prepare.

"Where are you going?" Fili asked.

"To ready myself, where else?"

"Oh no, you're not fighting, not in your state". Fili shot him down.

"What do you mean 'my state'? I am well enough to fight!"

"Your leg is not yet fully healed - that much was clear when Thorin stood on it. Not to mention the other blows he dealt you".

"It is not enough to keep me from battle. I will fight Fili, don't leave me behind again. We belong with each other - you know this". Kili grabbed his brother's arm as he spoke. "Besides, you need every man you can get if their numbers are as great as you say".

Kili could see a battle wage behind his brother's eyes.

Eventually Fili sighed and gave way. "Very well… If you insist on fighting I have one condition".

"Anything, what is it?"

"We have drawn up a plan of battle". Fili pulled a map out of his inside pocket.

Kili was about to protest the fact he'd been left out of the planning. But then he recalled the way Thorin looked at him and it was no surprise he hadn't been called for. Fili spread the map between them over the bed.

"The goblins and orcs approach from this direction. Our forces will stand here; behind them stand a few rocky outcrops. They are not overly large, but will give enough elevation for the archers to shoot some distance. You are an archer, you will stop there". Fili pointed at a particular position and used a tone of voice that told Kili he would stand for no argument. "Do you understand?"

"Yes, but I cannot stay there when you're on the ground fighting amongst the melee". Kili would try arguing anyway.

"I haven't been shot by a poisoned arrow recently. You have". Fili gave him a pointed look.

"Fili… my leg is fine, I can walk, I can run-"

"And what about when a goblin lands a blow to your leg and it gives way? What about when you collapse to the ground and lie prone beneath its blade?" Fili took his brother's face between his hands. "Please Kili, I can't lose you, I would never forgive myself that… sending you into battle knowing you are not at full strength".

Kili pushed his brother's hands away. "And what about when I see you fighting, surrounded by enemies, and I'm not at your side! Do you think I could forgive myself that? Have you forgotten what I said so soon? We are brothers, we belong together".

Fili swallowed heavily. "Not this time. We are brothers, but I am the eldest… I know what you said… I know the urge to protect runs both ways, but you don't know it like I do. From the moment you were born mother and father told me to keep you safe. I watched your first tottering steps, fearing you would fall and staying close so you wouldn't. Exploring the mines when we were older, you were eager to run far and fast… but I was only eager not to let you out of my sight lest I lose you. And then when we were older still and facing wolves in the woods my only thought was to get between you and the beasts… It is built into my bones, this need to protect you. I will not be able to fight out there knowing you are in the fray. Please Kili, promise me you will stay on the outcrop".

Kili opened his mouth, he reached for words to argue with and found none. Instead he let two words slip out unbidden. "I promise".

~oOo~

In the short days that followed the enemies turned allies prepared for war. Eventually the time came when scouts returned reporting the army of goblins and orcs would be upon them within the day. Kili went to his room to dress in his armour. He preferred to wear armour of light and dextrous leather… encased in metal he felt he couldn't breathe. But Fili had found him a few pieces emblazoned in Erebor's motif, spaulders for his shoulder and vambraces to protect his forearms.

In a corner of his room Kili found a mirror thick in dust. He swiped an arm across it to reveal his own reflection. This didn't feel like his room... not yet. Thorin, Fili and Kili had taken up residence in the royal quarters. When Thorin had shown them around he told Kili this had been his room as a young Prince. It still felt more like Thorin's. Kili almost felt like he was intruding… He blinked at his reflection, taking in his scruff, bright eyes, and bruised cheek. He readied for battle, but he didn't feel ready. Slowly the young dwarf buckled on each piece of armour, tightening straps, checking range of movement. He did it in a sort of dream, thinking more of battle cries and dying cries than what his fingers were doing. Gradually he transformed into a warrior before his very eyes. Kili took a deep breath before adding the finishing touches. He slung a quiver over his back, sheathed his sword, and took up his bow. He was ready… if only in appearance.

Kili idly wondered where his brother was. Fili had been so occupied with Thorin and Dain, planning and ordering, Kili felt he had hardly seen his brother. It was destined to be so. Fili was always the one being prepared for Kingship; Kili felt he was included only as an afterthought… a spare. And so he hadn't taken such lessons seriously, which just compounded his reputation for being carefree and reckless. While planning Fili would concentrate and ask questions. Kili would peer at maps over a shoulder and play with his knife, tossing it in the air to catch it again… or drop it with a curse. When facing a stray pack of goblins Fili would hold back and work out a ploy to entrap them, it fell apart when Kili barrelled in with a roar. They were few in number and could be easily taken! Fili and Thorin had not been so amused. Now faced with the prospect of real battle Kili wished he had taken a leaf out of his brother's book. There was nothing frivolous about war.

Stepping out of the royal quarters Kili found himself swept up in a lot more hustle and bustle than he was used to. Thirteen dwarves had become five hundred. Unfamiliar faces ran back and forth, carrying weapons, shouting orders. Kili found it a little overwhelming. He longed for quiet. His feet knew where to take him…

As Kili stepped out on to the balcony he was met by muggy air and soft rain. It was the sort of rain that didn't feel too heavy, but got you soaking wet all the same. He looked over the side to the ground below. The hustle and bustle from inside was down there too… dwarves rushing about looked like ants from up here. Was that how they seemed to the Gods? Did Mahal look down upon his dwarven kingdoms and see ants crawling about, building, foraging and scattering in fear. Were their lives so inconsequential? Every death would grieve Kili's heart. But who would grieve for a few small ants upon a rock?

Kili wiped at his damp face and breathed out heavily. Time was running out. He wasn't ready. The only real action he had seen was the odd skirmish with goblins, or the occasional bandit attack on merchants they were escorting. In every case numbers and luck were on their side. The fights were short and any injuries healed well. And Fili and Thorin were by his side. Kili was not prepared for this… for his people to fall around him… for the long exhausting clash ahead. He would be alone, no Thorin, no Fili. He would see death, and he might suffer it himself. Kili shook his head with a sharp intake of breath. No… he had a promise to keep.

The fires of the distant encampment were doused one by one. Whether they expired in the slight rainfall or were put out so as not to draw attention Kili did not know. It made the camp fade away into the grey scenery, but there was one down there who would not fade away in his thoughts. Though Kili's heart was filled with dread at the thought of the battle to come, some small part of him took solace in the fact he might see her again. She would be down there making ready for battle as they all were. Kili wondered at what she did, who she spoke to… whether she looked to the mountain and spared a thought for one insignificant dwarven Prince.

A sudden shout went up from below. It seemed the forces were filing out of the mountain. A shot of adrenaline put Kili on his toes. He needed to find his brother, he needed to see him one last time before…

_What if this storm ends  
And I don't see you  
As you are now  
Ever again_

~oOo~

Tauriel sat in her tent, the hiss of fires being doused filtered through the fabric around her. She was ready. Her troops were ready. They only waited for the call to file out… Tauriel supposed she should be out there; she was their Captain of the Guard, a figurehead, a leader. They would look to her. But inexplicably Tauriel found herself in her tent, staring at her hands resting lightly in her lap. In them she held the figurine of a small white horse. She sent a silent prayer to whichever deity may happen to watch over their battle… _keep him safe_…

The tent flap was thrown open and Legolas stepped inside. His usually immaculate hair looked straggled from the rainfall. His face seemed grim…

"Come Tauriel, it is time".

_What if this storm ends  
And leaves us nothing  
Except a memory  
A distant echo_


	7. Chapter 7

**Note: **Quotes are from Woodkid's "Iron" and Bastille's "Daniel in the Den". 

**Chapter 7**

_A soldier on my own, I don't know the way  
I'm riding up the heights of shame  
I'm waiting for the call, the hand on the chest  
I'm ready for the fight and fate_

In looking for his brother Kili found himself lost in the commotion below. He neared the door, bracing against the blast of cold air that blew in. Every bearded face he looked into was a stranger. Kili whirled this way and that, searching for a familiar face… Fili, or someone who might know where he was. Another shout rent the air and lines of dwarves moved out to the beat of a heavy drum. Kili flung himself out of the way lest they knock him down. The armoured company seemed relentless as they moved along as one… and then the previous chaotic turmoil swept in to take their place.

Dwarves ran every which way, the clamour of voices and steel echoed around Erebor's halls. Kili felt like a lost child. He remembered a time when he was small and his mother had taken him to market. Fili held his hand tightly, but a sudden crowd formed around an entertainer and they were separated. Kili called out for his brother, pushing his way through a forest of legs and skirts. He was lost. He started to panic. And then Fili's hand reached out to grab him and pull him on. But here Fili was nowhere to be found… Kili needed to see him. He needed to see his brother before they stepped foot into battle. They may not escape with their lives… They certainly wouldn't escape with their innocence.

But time was short, it flowed away with every breath, Kili could delay no longer. He let himself be swept away with the next company to move out. Still he looked this way and that, hoping to catch sight of Fili or one of the others. The company of Thorin were now thirteen amongst five hundred. It was like looking for a needle in a haystack. They emerged into the bright daylight, though it only seemed bright for the dwarves having come from the dim interior of the mountain. As Kili wandered his eyes adjusted and the world dulled to grey. The rain had stopped, but it left a dank feel to the air. A slight mist hung about the ground, becoming thicker further out. Kili supposed he should find the rocky outcrop Fili had pointed out to him. He strayed about the uneven land, winding his way through rocks and tufts of barren grass. Companies of dwarves formed up all about him. Everyone seemed to have a place, but Kili was jostled about and then he drifted… He felt like a leaf blown about on the wind.

A company of men marched by, brushing past the young dwarf, and then he felt a firm hand on his chest.

"Come Master Dwarf, I believe you're with me?"

Bard… it was Bard. At last Kili had direction. He gave a nod and then followed after Bard as he led his men to the rocky outcrop. The leader of Esgaroth directed his swordsmen to stand with the dwarves below before taking the archers to the peak of the small outcrop. Kili stood at the very top, as close to the edge as he dared. He looked out over the field and took in a deep breath, drawing himself up as tall as he could. Mist concealed much from view, but this seemed to be the most advantageous position they could have found. Still, it was not much of a field; the footing looked to be stony and treacherous in places. Kili scanned the troops of dwarves below, hoping to see a flash of blonde hair. Sure enough Thorin walked along the front line and at his side walked Fili. Their Uncle looked at his men, meeting their eyes, trying to give them courage. Kili supposed it would seem childish to call for his brother and wave, but he was filled with such excitement at having found Fili he couldn't stop himself.

"Fili!" His voice rang out over the heads of the soldiers below. "Fili! Up here!"

That earned him a glare from Thorin, but Fili raised a hand and gave a small smile. Kili was glad to see them take up position just below. At least he would be able to keep an eye on his brother and shoot down any goblins or orcs attacking him. No doubt it gave Fili some small measure of comfort to have Kili within eyesight too. He probably told Kili to take this position purely so he could watch him.

"Have you seen much action before Master Dwarf?" Bard drew up alongside Kili.

"We are beyond such formality now Bard, call me Kili, and truthfully, no I have not… I have killed goblins before, but nothing like this".

"Truthfully I have not either, nothing of this scale at least… Are you afraid Kili?"

"Would you think less of me if I said I was?"

"No… perhaps I would have thought less of you if you said you weren't. Only the reckless and foolhardy have no fear, and they do not last long in battle".

"I have been called reckless a fair few times before". Kili tried to say the words in a light manner but he couldn't summon a smile to his face. His fingers found their way into his pocket to the smooth surface of a rune stone…

"Then hopefully your fear will temper it… I know you would rather have your brother by your side, but I hope I am worthy enough to stand in his stead. Stay with me, and we'll see our way through this". Bard clasped the young dwarf's shoulder warmly.

Kili tried to give him a smile in return. "I'm glad you're with me Bard, I would rather have you by my side than stand alone".

A sudden horn blast tore through the air and all fell silent. Kili's eyes turned to the far end of the field where a thick mist hung about the ground. There was no sound, nothing save the howl of wind winding its way about the mountain. So this was the calm before the storm… a pin drop would surely echo about the field. And then a distant drum beat reached their ears. A sound so deep and soft it was hardly there…

"They are coming…" Bard whispered and clutched at his bow.

Kili took his own small bow out; he strained his eyes trying to discern orcs in the mist. Though the drums grew louder he could see nothing… and then gradually dark shapes loomed and stepped out of the fog. Kili's heart set about beating wildly. They came into view. Disorganised line after line emerged from the mist, they seemed countless! The bow in Kili's hand felt like a toy, the sword at his side reduced to a butter knife… what could he hope to do against such overwhelming forces?

Bard seemed to have noticed the disheartened slump in the young dwarf's shoulders. "Take heart Kili. We have a good position and should take down many before they reach the ranks below".

"I'm just not sure we have enough arrows…" Kili replied humourlessly.

The ranks of orcs and goblins came to a standstill. Their leader strode forwards, Azog, with Bolg at his side. He seemed to take in the force before him. The dwarves and men ahead, archers on high behind and elves to each side, ready to sweep in like a pincer… He looked at them all and he barked out a laugh. That laugh chipped away at Kili's confidence all the more. Were they really such a pathetic force? They inspired laughter, not fear? Azog held his mace aloft and roared. The sound seemed to rush over the battlefield and crash into them. And then the ranks of goblins and orcs charged forwards. The noise was tremendous - clanking bits of armour and blade, guttural growls and high pitched shrieks. Underneath it all the relentless deep thrum of a drum sounded. It was enough to reverberate through Kili's bones. The cacophony stood in stark contrast to the unsettling quiet before… so the storm had arrived.

Bard shouted for his men to ready their weapons and draw. Kili took an arrow from his quiver with practised ease and fit it to his bowstring. He pulled it back to his chin, feeling the wax touched string press against his lips. Then he waited… each moment seemed a lifetime.

The enemy stepped within range.

"Loose volley!" Bard cried out.

It was echoed by the commanders along each protrusion of rock, and a rain of arrows flew into the air. Kili let his hand go lax and pulled it back out of the way as the arrow shot forwards. It joined the rest, plummeting into the horde of orcs and goblins. A few with shields had the wherewithal to raise them, but a good number fell, too taken with bloodlust to heed their own protection.

The archers managed one more volley before the two armies crashed into each other below. Kili kept an eye out for his brother, watching him impale a goblin as the two sides met. The heavily armoured dwarves had fared well in the clash; they did not move back nor flinch. But what the goblins lacked in armour they made up for with sheer numbers. The order came to fire at will, and so Kili aimed as close to the front line as he dared. He did not want any dwarf to shift at the last moment and take his arrow.

Kili was suddenly pulled to one side. He nearly lost his footing, but was glad when a hefty black fletched arrow flew past where he had stood. Bard held the young dwarf up and got him steady on his feet.

"Are you alright?"

Kili gave a breathless nod. He had been so taken with looking after his brother's safety he had neglected his own.

"Have a care Master Dwarf; their archers have moved close enough to take a shot at us. You didn't think it would be that easy did you?" Bard said with a slight grin.

"I thought I told you to call me Kili, and of course not!" Kili was too unnerved to make light of his near miss.

Bard just gave him a companionable clap on the shoulder and returned to the business of shooting.

~oOo~

_And felled in the night  
By the ones you think you love_

Tauriel had found Kili… he moved into position at the top of a rocky outcrop not far from where she stood. So he had not followed her request, he had come to the field of battle… Tauriel supposed she had expected as much. He was reckless after all. Thranduil was talking the plans through with a small gathering of elves. Every time he turned to address another she surreptitiously glanced over at Kili. The sight of him lightened her heart, though she couldn't help worry for him. Aside from the battle at hand if Thranduil noticed the dwarf Prince he would see Kili dead… and he would press her to do the deed as agreed.

The Elf King was an imposing sight in his shining armour. Though there was little sun to be seen on this grey day his crown seemed to glint upon his golden head.

"To your positions, the enemy draws near!" Thranduil finally dismissed the elves, but as Tauriel made to leave he called her back. "Legolas, Tauriel, stay a moment".

The elf maid looked at him with confusion. "But my Lord, we have to command-"

"I know what you have to do. I gave you those orders myself, but now I have asked you to stay a moment, and so you shall". Thranduil's piercing blue eyes seemed to pin her to the spot.

Tauriel gave a fleeting look to Legolas, the Prince seemed as confused as she was. A distant drum beat reached their ears. They could not see the field of battle standing at the bottom of the rocky outcrop as they were, but the enemy was surely in sight for the archers above.

"Father, the enemy approaches… we must take action". Legolas urged.

"You're right, we must. Follow me". Thranduil swept past and Tauriel followed in his wake, Legolas by her side.

The cacophony of an approaching army reached the elves, and a call went up for the archers to loose their arrows. The battle had started… where was Thranduil leading them?! Sounds of chaos filtered down to them, they felt one step removed from the battle walking behind the line of rocky protrusions. Archers felled by orcish arrows dropped like rag dolls. As one tumbled down to the ground at their feet Thranduil swept deftly around him. Tauriel stopped to check for signs of life, but the poor man was shot clean through the throat, it was hopeless…

And then Tauriel noticed they were drawing closer to Kili's position. Her heart started hammering… _oh no_…

"You thought I hadn't noticed. But you should know by now Tauriel, nothing escapes my notice. You will draw much blood this night, but your first blood will not be black, it will not come from goblin nor orc… it will run red". Thranduil stopped where Tauriel dreaded he would – The bottom of the outcrop where Kili stood. "I believe we have an agreement, and I believe your black haired dwarven archer stands above us".

Tauriel shook her head and looked to Thranduil with shining eyes, silently begging him not to make her do this. He was unmoved, his countenance of ice showed neither delight nor regret… just insistence that his will be done.

"My Lord… have mercy…" Tauriel tried speaking for Kili, but she felt as if her breath had suddenly been cut off.

"It is unnatural Tauriel. This is what happens when you give your heart away so carelessly. You know nothing could ever come of it. The only way this ends is if he ends. Your loyalty is to me Tauriel, not dwarves… not _that_ dwarf". Thranduil spat his last words out. His icy demeanour seemed to melt with a spark of anger.

"Spare him, please… I will never see him again after this battle, I swear it". Tauriel asked, desperation tainting her voice.

"You also swore to end his life not so long ago. Can I not trust what you say?" Thranduil narrowed his eyes. "Very well… I told you he dies by your hand or mine".

Thranduil reached for his bow.

"Father… we do not have time for this. We must join the battle". Legolas tried to intervene.

"The sooner the dwarf dies the sooner we can join the battle". Thranduil brushed his son off. "Tauriel, take out your bow. That is an _order_".

Under the Elf King's harsh words Tauriel did as commanded. She took up her slender bow, but her arms felt dead, she wouldn't draw it. She couldn't kill Kili, she had done everything in her power to save him… every bone in her body screamed out for her not to do this.

"Very well". Thranduil took out his bow, and put an arrow to the string.

In an instant Tauriel drew an arrow of her own and aimed for the top of the slope. Tears blurred her eyes as she got Kili in her sights… she didn't want to do this, but she wouldn't have _him_ kill the young dwarf.

"Let it go Tauriel. Loose your arrow and this will all be over". Thranduil's voice coaxed. "He will pass into long forgotten memory, he would never have lived that long… you have already seen several of his lifetimes. End this".

Just then the archer standing next to Kili took an orcish arrow to the chest and fell back. The young dwarf turned to tend him together with Bard, and then he noticed Tauriel… Kili smiled so warmly at seeing her, but joy quickly passed from his face. It was replaced with confusion and then horror. She was aiming an arrow at him. It would only take a slip of the fingers and he would die.

"_Shoot him!_" Thranduil savagely hissed.

An arrow took to the air, flying straight and true. It embedded itself in Kili's shoulder, having been expertly aimed at the gap in his armour. The young dwarf looked shocked. He reeled backwards from the impact, his feet stumbled and slipped... he was too close to the edge. Bard shouted Kili's name and flung himself forwards, but it was too late.

"KILI!" Tauriel dropped her bow and screamed as Kili disappeared from view.

She turned around aghast to find Legolas with his bow raised and a distinctly sick look upon his face.

"Why Legolas?" Tauriel asked.

She received no answer and so Tauriel turned to run up the outcrop of rocks. A firm hand stopped her, taking an iron grip about her upper arm.

"This business is concluded. To your positions now, both of you". Thranduil's icy manner had returned. "Legolas, I will speak with you later".

Tauriel gave the Elf King a look of such unbridled loathing. If the arrow didn't kill Kili the fall probably would have, and it was this elf's doing! She didn't care if he was a King; she wanted to hurt him as he had hurt her! She wanted to scream that she loved the young dwarf, she wanted to shout that she would find more comfort and warmth with Kili in his lifetime than she would in a hundred lifetimes with Thranduil's ilk! But just as Tauriel opened her mouth a gentle hand took her arm and pulled her away…

"Come Tauriel, our men need us…"

She followed Legolas a few steps, glaring at Thranduil's impassive face before the Elf King too turned away. And then her anger and her grief fell upon the one who had loosed the arrow.

"Why did you do it Legolas?!" He still held on to her arm, she fiercely shook him off and pushed him in the chest. "Why did you have to shoot him?!"

Legolas stepped back under Tauriel's assault, but he didn't defend himself, he just looked down… face full of regret.

"Were you jealous?! Could you not stand the way he looked at me? Is that it? You wanted him dead!"

"I shot him so you wouldn't have to!" Legolas suddenly shouted. It seemed the accusation was too much. "I wanted to spare you that pain… I gave him a wound he could survive; I did not intend him to fall… I wanted him to live".

Tauriel was stunned into open mouthed shock. Legolas had been trying to do her a kindness?

"True, I did not like the way the dwarf looked at you… but I couldn't help but notice you looked at him in the same way. Whatever you think of me Tauriel I do not want to see you hurt… I would not see you kill the one you love, and I know Thranduil would not have spared the dwarf. His arrow would have aimed to kill. So I did what I had to".

And then it fell into place. She saw from Legolas' point of view… Tauriel, wavering, her heart screaming out not to slaughter her love, and Thranduil, the executioner, eager for blood… There was another way. The dwarf could be shot and live, but Legolas had to do it. Tauriel would not loose the arrow, he knew it, and Thranduil's shot would kill. He had to do it… the time was _now_.

"I am sorry Legolas… I have misjudged you". Tauriel spoke with a crack in her voice.

As the urge to lash out died away it was replaced by sorrow in Tauriel's heart. She looked back to the outcrop, the place where Kili had fallen. Did his broken body lie below? Was he alone? He never wanted to be alone…

"Tauriel, we must join the battle. There will be time to grieve the fallen afterwards…"

Tauriel took the small white horse figurine from her pocket, clutched it tightly between her hands and raised them to her lips… _please let him live_…

~oOo~

_The sound of iron shocks is stuck in my head  
The thunder of the drums dictates  
The rhythm of the falls, the number of dead  
The rising of the heights ahead_

Screams rent the air along the rocks as archers became victims of the enemy arrows. Kili's wild eyes shot between aiming his bow, watching out for his brother, and trying to spot any enemy arrows coming their way. It was too much. The young dwarf let his instincts take over, conscious thought slowed him down. Taking an arrow, fitting it to the bowstring, drawing and loosing… it all happened automatically, as if he had no say in the matter.

The line of dwarves had begun to break apart below. Goblins and orcs split the ranks, and though they fell under sword and axe another few moved in to take their place. It seemed inevitable the dwarves were being pushed back. The elves cut in to the intruding army's flanks, but their numbers seemed endless. All sense of order had given way to chaos. Leaders tried to rally their troops, but attempts to organise manoeuvres were largely thwarted by the swarm of orcs and goblins.

A cry sounded from the man stood next to Kili. A brutish orc arrow had caught him in the chest. Bard quickly went to his side and Kili turned to see if he might help. He was more than surprised to find Tauriel! Delight lit up his face at seeing the elf maid, but she had her bow drawn… and it was pointing his way. Why? What was sh-

It hit him like a hard punch, taking the air from his lungs. The Prince had shot him! There was a strange moment where time suspended. Kili knew the wound should hurt, and he was granted an immeasurable moment to contemplate the pain he knew was going to come. Too soon time caught up with him, along with the pain. Like fire it exploded from his shoulder. Kili found himself staggering back from the impact; he stumbled near the edge and lost his footing… His senses were so clouded he couldn't reach out to save himself… Someone was shouting his name. Who was shouting his name? Was it her? Would she come to save him? Tauriel!

Kili fell. It was not a straight drop down, ledges and rocks jutted from the outcrop helping to break his fall. The young dwarf supposed he should be thankful, a straight drop would probably have broken his neck and ended it all, but he didn't feel thankful. He was battered and bruised by the time he came to land in a thick grassy tussock. Somewhere along the way the arrow shaft had broken off after colliding against a rock. His scream had robbed him of breath. Kili lay on his back, the world seemed to spin. He tried to slow his breathing… his heart was racing. He couldn't lie here, he had to get up. Battle raged dangerously close by and if an orc broke through he was a sitting duck. He had to get up. _Get up!_

The young dwarf mentally shouted at his body, but it didn't want to obey. At least the spinning was beginning to stop. The grey clouds above raced by in the wind, the overwhelming roar of battle rang out around him. An idle thought floated about Kili's mind… he had disappointed his brother. He hadn't stayed on the outcrop as he had promised to do so. Perhaps later he would get a chance to apologise… The absurdity of apologising for being shot off a rock face didn't register in his state of shock. Slowly Kili brought his hand up to the shaft in his left shoulder. His fingers explored lightly… only a few inches or so remained protruding from the wound. The young dwarf was grateful elven arrows were more slender and fine built than their orcish counterparts. Had he been hit with one of those brutish things he wouldn't have much of a shoulder left… It dawned on him then. Legolas had shot him. _Tauriel_ was going to shoot him. Why? What? Kili's mind reeled playing back over the moment…

A dry sob escaped Kili's throat as he gripped the shaft in his shoulder and tried to understand what happened. No… no, better to leave it for now. Should he pull the remains of the arrow out he might end up leaving the head behind, and if it came out with the shaft it would surely leave him bleeding. Why did the elves want him dead? The answer came to Kili as he recalled the hateful glare of Thranduil pointed his way. Thorin had looked at him with similar disgust. It brought into stark relief the beating he had suffered at the hands of his Uncle. Had Tauriel also confessed her love? Was his life the price her Lord demanded?

A great commotion arose from the line of dwarves nearby. It broke apart Kili's thoughts. Orcs were pushing their way through! _Get up!_ Kili shouted at himself again, he scrambled for the sword at his side, a shot of adrenaline muting his pain. A great ugly orc came to stand over Kili as he was half way up, sword not yet free of its sheath. The beast roared and raised a cruelly serrated blade over Kili's head. And then the tip of a sword protruded from its chest. A spray of black blood hit the air as the sword withdrew; it spattered Kili in his astonishment. The orc fell back to reveal Fili standing, breathing hard, stained with gore and filth.

His brother came to Kili, offering a hand to pull him up.

"Are you alright?" Fili caught sight of his wound. "Is that an _elvish_ arrow?"

"I can stand… I can fight, and aye, it is". Having his brother there seemed to lend Kili strength. They were together again.

"Those backstabbing…" Fili was about to launch into a few curses at seeing his brother hurt by elvish hands. Kili cut him off.

"Now is not the time Fili, I can still fight, my sword arm is still good". As if to prove it Kili swung his blade through the air a couple of times, though his left arm was clasped tight to his chest.

"Make no mistake about it, I would have you go straight to the healing tents, but the goblins have pushed forwards and cut us off. We must break through. So you will get to fight whether I like it or not… and I like it not one bit". Fili cast an appraising eye over his brother. "Stay with me, keep close, I don't want to lose you".

They turned back to the battle and Kili could see what had happened. An intrusion of goblins had split their forces in half, and the healing tents were not on their side. They were like an island adrift from the mainland. Though adrenaline flooded his body Kili felt a stab of fear all the same. They were vulnerable out here… Up on the rocks he had felt somewhat safe, he was above it all, like a bird in flight. Down here the swarm of enemies was all around, this was where you got your hands dirty… this was where you got your face bloody.

Kili raised his sword and yelled a battle cry as he followed his brother into the fray. They fought side by side and back to back, covering each other's exposed spots. The dwarves all around fought fiercely, but for every goblin cut down two more seemed to take its place. They were tiring, and not making much headway. It was inevitable some would start to fall. The first he saw left him stunned. One dwarf cut down a goblin, but as he tried to wrest his blade from its body another one, small and rat like leapt at his face. The dwarf clawed at it, but there was nothing to be done. It chittered excitedly as it plunged its knife into the poor dwarf's neck… once, twice, thrice. The goblin rejoiced at the dark red arterial spray as the dwarf fell to his knees and then to the ground… a puddle quickly formed about his head, like a bloody halo. Sick shock left Kili then as he saw red. Anger joined the adrenaline in his veins; he raised his sword and brought it down on the small body of the goblin. Once, twice, thrice… he didn't stop, he kept going. Kili was screaming, though it sounded like it came from far away, from somebody else… The goblin was split apart, its innards spilled over the ground and its blood flecked through the air, staining both Kili and its previous victim. But Kili couldn't stop himself. Not until he was spun around harshly by a hand on his arm. He raised his sword and cried out, ready to bring it down, before his eyes focussed on Fili.

"Be strong Kili, keep it together". His brother spoke forcefully, and the mania fell away from him.

They fought together again, and though more fell all about them Kili tried to do as his brother asked… He tried to keep it together. But this was not glorious. This was not heroic. This was butchery. And it was set to a symphony of horror. The sound of carving and cleaving battered his ears. The drum had long ago been silenced, a bass line was now provided by the pounding of metal on wooden shields, and over it all the screaming and crying of the injured and dying blended with the fell shrieking of goblins. Kili's feet slid on blood and gore, the ground was slick with it. It didn't belong there… it didn't belong there… the grass was green, Kili told himself, it was green, and the ground was rock strewn with large tussocks. But his eyes told a different story and his mind reeled… _The field… it's covered with blood! I need to get out! Let me out!_ He couldn't breathe. The cloying scent of spilt innards, sweat, filth and death stuck in his throat. He needed air! He needed to… _keep it together_… Fili's voice filtered through Kili's breaking mind, grounding him. It kept his sword swinging, and brought a kind of numbness to every slice of his sword that caught flesh. He couldn't feel anything… not his own pain, not the lives he took. His body seemed to move of its own accord.

And then Fili shouted over the cacophony.

"Kili! Stay here! I'll come back for you!"

What? Where was he going? Kili had been so caught up in his own mind and his own battles he had failed to notice Thorin facing Azog. They stood some way away on a slight rise. Thorin looked to be flagging, he bled from many wounds, but still he raised his sword and fended off every blow from the great orc's mace. Surely he couldn't go on much longer… and sure enough Thorin was sent to his knees as Azog dealt a hefty strike to his shield. Fili dashed over, pushing aside every goblin that got in his way. Kili's heart lurched at seeing his brother and Uncle so beset, but Fili got there just in time to sink a sword into Azog's side.

Kili was brought back to his own reality with a rude awakening. A large foot struck him and he fell back to the ground, rolling through filth and scrabbling to his feet again. The young dwarf looked up with horror to find his own mace wielding orc. He was not nearly as intimidating as Azog, but this was no small stupid goblin. The orc roared a challenge and Kili roared back. Anger raced through his veins again. He would tear this one apart! The mace came flying towards Kili, he deftly side stepped and sliced at the orc's off hand. It cut into flesh but did not do any real damage. He needed to keep it together… to get into the flow of the fight. This was a deadly game of chess, with openings and targets. It had a rhythm like a dance. Kili had never been much for dancing, but this he was born to.

Targets… head, throat, arm pit, the vulnerable flesh where leg joined body… there were countless places to do damage on a body. Clusters of arteries and nerves that could be severed… it was a matter of locking on and sinking steel into them. If the orc's weapon was high he would strike low, and if the orc's mace was low he would strike high. Fight weakness with strength and strength with weakness. There was simplicity to the theory of wielding a sword, a simplicity that belied the reality. When beset by horrors, when quickly running through your reserves of adrenaline, when you stumble over the bodies of fallen allies… All theory flew from his mind when that mace came down again. They exchanged a series of blows, neither one gaining advantage over the other. And then the orc came at Kili with a hefty side swipe of his mace. Kili backed off and as the mace sailed by with the brute force put into the blow he jumped back in with a thrust. Just as the tip found flesh the orc recovered and swept his mace arm back, pushing Kili away to the side. He managed to keep his feet, and carried on wheeling around, hoping he could outmanoeuvre the orc and get a shot in at his back. Sure enough he managed a nice slice that split the skin clean across. The orc howled his displeasure and pain to the sky. Kili gave a slight manic grin; it didn't last long as the orc whirled about striking savagely with his weapon. The mace drove into Kili's sword arm. He lost the blade as he felt bone give way. The ground hit him hard. Kili was sure he screamed before he was given over to pained gasping.

Kili felt the orc approach. Those hefty footsteps were his herald of doom… it stood over him, regarding the young dwarf with a grunt. Then a cruel smile split its ugly face. Where was Fili? Fili was going to come back for him. Fili said he was coming back… The orc stepped on Kili's shattered arm and ground his heel into the young dwarf's wrist and hand. More bones snapped as the beast put his full weight into it. This was beyond hurt… this was beyond agony… This was blinding white hot pain that drove his mind from his body. Kili writhed helplessly, trying in vain to escape whatever was hurting him. He flailed like a wild animal caught in a trap… and he screamed and screamed and screamed. If Kili's eyes were not blurred with tears he would see pure delight on the orc's face at the pain he was causing.

"FILI!" The cry tore from Kili's throat. He didn't know what he was doing or what he was saying. Some recess of his mind thought he should shout that name.

"What is it boy? Do you call for your mother?" The orc's gravelled voice said with a hint of amusement.

The beast's foot gave a last brutal twist before he stepped away. Kili's vision whited out for a moment, when it came back there was a mace held high over his head. The end… the end… it had come…

And then there was a familiar flash of blonde hair. "Get away from him!"

Fili had been true to his word.

Moments passed like ages, Kili could only lie still and keep breathing. His breaths were rapid and shallow, his heart thundered and fluttered, he felt like a small rabbit. Pain was all he knew. And then there were warm gentle hands on his face, against his chest. Concerned eyes… a blood stained face…

Somewhere a voice shouted in alarm. "Prince Fili, more come!"

"Hold on Kili, I'll be back. I promise you I'll come back".

And the hands were gone.

Kili kept breathing. He was cursed with a degree of awareness, though his mind seemed to claw and rail against it, seeking an escape from the pain. The sound of battle did not abate; it ebbed and flowed around him. Lying on the ground he noticed how it shook, disturbed by the rhythm of battle. He shifted his head to the right. Amongst the blood stained ground sat a patch of weeds bearing small yellow flowers. Kili tried to concentrate on them, if he could focus on something so small it might grant his mind the escape he sought… The young dwarf took in how yellow the delicate petals were. They were beautiful to his mind. He recalled taking similar flowers for his mother. Fili laughed and told him they were ugly weeds, but Dis had smelt them and declared them lovely all the same… Beauty was in the eye of the beholder she had said. Kili looked in worthless places and found… Death! Death leapt before his eyes! With a hefty crash a dwarf dropped down and crushed the delicate flowers. His eyes were wide as they met Kili's, he was not yet dead… Thick red blood ran between his lips, the dwarf made a horrendous gurgling sound, drowning on his own life's blood. He was so close, no more than a foot lay between their faces. Had Kili's arm worked he would reach it out to offer some comfort, but pain like lightening ran up the limb as he twitched his fingers. There was no comfort to be had here in this place.

The young dwarf could only watch as the elder struggled to breathe, eventually his struggles stopped, and Kili saw the moment death took hold… The dwarf's eyes went suddenly sightless, and then they glazed over, his body went lax. Death had come… _Death was here_… Kili wanted to scream with the horror of it but found he couldn't. He was transfixed by the eyes of the dead dwarf beside him. They were grey, with pinpoint pupils staring at him… looking through him… He couldn't raise an arm to close those eyes. Kili told himself to turn away. He looked up at the grey sky above, clouds rushed by and gradually gave way to glint of sunlight. It hurt his eyes, but he couldn't shield them. So he turned to his left… a sea of bodies littered the ground, further away the fighting continued, and behind them all in the distance loomed the mountain. Erebor. The cause of all this bloodshed… their birthright… their doom… It had set them on this quest, it had turned their Uncle mad, and now it presided over their deaths. It was almost as painful to look at as the sun… so Kili turned back to the right. He was met with the vacant stare of his dead friend. Those piercing sightless eyes held him. It was like looking into the abyss, and even as his heart screamed with the horror of it Kili couldn't look away.

A distant shout drifted on the air… "The eagles are coming!"

He needed to close those eyes. He couldn't stand it any more. Kili tried to raise his arm, but the wave of pain that took him made the world fade away to black. He failed to close the eyes of death's pale mask; instead he was robbed of his own sight, and he was glad.


	8. Chapter 8

**Note**: I left it in a bit of a cruel place, so here's an early update ^_^ I've just about finished chapter 16, the end is in sight! (So much for this being a "brief flirtation" with Kili eh? XD)

**Chapter 8**

When next Kili came to he licked his dry lips. His throat felt as arid as the desert sands. Pain was the next sensation that slammed into him. Pain and the cold hard ground beneath him. Confusion set in… his eyes flickered open and he jolted at seeing pale unseeing eyes staring back at him. He was so close; if the dead dwarf still drew breath Kili was sure he would have felt it. The stab of fear that assaulted the young dwarf had set his heart racing, it jarred his arm and sent a wave of pain flooding through him. Kili shut his eyes tight, trying to ride it, trying to control it. When he opened them he expected to stare into the endless abyss of the dead dwarf's grey eyes. He was surprised to see a butterfly alight on a stalk of grass between them. It was a red admiral, though its bright colours had dulled considerably and its wings were ragged and torn. For a butterfly it was in quite a sorry state. Winter was no time for a butterfly to be abroad… but to Kili it was the most beautiful thing he had seen, save perhaps Tauriel. They were creatures of the summer, for it to have lasted this long it must have possessed such strength. Though it was tattered from the unkind season the butterfly still flew strongly. It beat its wings a couple of times… _no, don't leave, don't go_… Kili wanted to watch it a little longer. This small creature gave him comfort; it shielded him from the abyss he found in the cold eyes inches away from his own. Amongst such devastation how could a small thing of beauty survive?

But butterflies will fly, and so it did, leaving Kili alone to face the void left by death. Though the sun was shining brightly the young dwarf felt cold, gradually his eyes closed to half mast… it was so much effort to keep them open. Maybe he would just fade away and let death take him. Kili's eyes would become a glassy void… a mirror to the fallen dwarf beside him.

"Over here! He's here! I've found him!" A gruff voice bellowed from far away.

Heavy footsteps traipsed over in a hurry and Kili felt two fingers jam against his throat. His eyes fluttered.

"He's alive! Thank Mahal, he's alive… Kili, can you hear me?"

He could, but his voice didn't quite work.

"It's alright lad, don't push yourself…" Dwalin, it was Dwalin. The name suddenly came to him.

More harried footsteps. Another voice.

"He looks in a bad way. Should we move him? That arm is… is…" That voice belonged to Bofur. He seemed unable to finish his sentence. Kili wondered, was his arm that bad? He hadn't seen it… it was just a mess of pain.

"I would rather risk hurting him to get him help more quickly. It would not do to leave him out here a moment longer… not amongst _this_". Dwalin indicated the devastation all around. "Kili lad, I'm going to pick you up and take you to the healers".

Kili's throat worked, but no sound came out. He didn't want to move, moving hurt.

"I'm not sure he can hear you…" Bofur said, worry tainting his voice.

"I'm sure he can". Dwalin replied grimly.

As if to prove the point Kili managed two words: "No… hurts".

"I know it does, but you need a healer and you can't stay here". Dwalin took a firm hold on Kili, pain already started to rise. "On the count of three…"

Dwalin didn't quite wait for three to lift him. Kili managed a stangled cry before falling unconscious. The darkness was merciful at least.

**~oOo~**

"Hold him down!"

There was a dreadful noise, such shouting and screaming, when Kili next flitted around consciousness. He realised he came from his own wrecked voice when a vile liquid was tipped down his throat and it ceased.

"For Mahal's sake will you hold him still!"

The heavy feeling on his chest and limbs increased and Kili realised it must be his kin restraining him. The pain hit then, it blossomed slowly from his arm before relentlessly scorching through the rest of his body. So that was why he screamed. There was a thick dressing around his left shoulder. At least the arrow was out, but the pain of that wound was nothing compared to his shattered arm.

The sound of the tent flap opening reached the insensate dwarf. "Can you not quiet him? He is disturbing the other patients".

"I dare not give him any more of the draught. He has had more than twice the normal dose already". Oin… oh Oin, please, give me more. Kili's reeling mind begged.

The healer moved his arm slightly and Kili shot up with a cry. The firm hand on his chest was not enough to keep him down. Kili's eyes rolled as he fell back. He was tired and tortured and wanted this to be over…

"Dwalin, I cannot discern the extent of the damage while he is flailing about so!"

Discern the ext… Oin was _examining_ his arm?! Kili felt sure he must have been setting bones it hurt so. The pressure on his chest became enough to restrict his breathing as Dwalin placed his arm across Kili and pressed down. More moved in to take him, he felt trapped!

Oin moved his arm again, probing delicately he was sure, but it felt as if he were shoving burning hot pokers into the limb. Kili tried to move, he had no control of himself in truth, but this time he was held firm. They couldn't stop him crying out though. His voice found words and he begged them to stop, he swore in their secret language and called out for his brother. It seemed to last eternity, and then it stopped. He lay back panting and sweating… the pressure from the arm at his chest lightened.

"Well?" Dwalin prompted.

Kili managed to move his hazy eyes to Oin's face. He could barely see through the tears but the older dwarf's expression seemed grim.

"It does not look good… There is much damage. You can see how the bones protrude here, and there are more complicated breaks beneath the skin, particularly in his wrist and hand… In short, it is a mess. But I will do what I can".

At that he was suddenly seized with the need to see his arm. Kili tried to get up, to raise his head and look down at the mangled limb. It couldn't be that bad… it couldn't be…

Dwalin pushed him back down. "You don't want to look lad. Let Oin fix it first".

"I can't fix it while he's half awake. A stone giant would not be able to hold him down; it would be the sort of torture not even an orc could dream of… Yet I dare not risk dosing him again. Too much and he may cease breathing altogether".

"There is another option".

Dwalin's hand left Kili's chest, there was a sharp blow to his head, and then nothing.

**~oOo~**

"… _but it will be a miracle if he regains full use of it". _

"_Kili is strong, we all thought he was done for at Laketown after all, he may surprise us yet"._

Time had passed. Kili couldn't tell how much.

"_Dwalin! What is that commotion out there?"_

It didn't matter. He was awfully aware of his breathing. Just taking in air and letting it out had never meant this much before.

"_Nothing, it is done now, just an elf insisting on seeing him. I told her to sling her hook. That was an elvish arrow you pulled from his shoulder. Are you telling me an elf can't aim now? That arrow was meant for Kili, I'll not let another near him"._

Kili's mind explored a bit further, stretching beyond the simple act of breathing… There was something wrong. Something awfully wrong.

"_An elf? What did she look like?"_

"_Same as they all look. Tall, pointy eared… in need of a good meal"._

It was his arm. He couldn't move his arm. It hurt terribly.

"_Was it one of the elves that caught us back in Mirkwood? Did she have long, red hair?"_

"_As a matter of fact she did. There was something familiar about her…"_

"_Sounds like Tauriel. There would have been no harm in letting her see him. She saved Kili when he was poisoned. I believe that is the elf he has um… grown fond of. Doubtless Thorin would not approve, but when she returns you can give her a few moments"._

Oin. He should find Oin. That's who you went to when things hurt. Oin would fix it.

"_She'll not be returning, not for a while at least. She's off to hunt down the fleeing orcs"._

Kili tried to pull his fractured thoughts together and push beyond the boundaries of his body. It felt like a cage, broken and confining. He was sure he could hear people talking around him. Their voices rose and fell like waves ebbing and flowing away. If he could only latch on to them… use them as a lifeline to pull him out of this darkness. But every time Kili caught hold of a word or two they would drift away again.

"_Pity… we could have done with her skills here. She helped me heal the injured people of Laketown. Elvish healing is a wondrous thing to behold"._

"_Wondrous it may be, but I doubt she can perform miracles… not for him, not for Thorin, or anyone else. We'll have to count on Mahal for that"._

Thorin. There was a word Kili grasped onto with both hands. Strong, dauntless Thorin. Uncle and King. Suddenly Kili was seized by the feeling his Uncle was in danger… He needed to fight this, he need to escape from the darkness. He should start by opening his eyes…

"Hush you two; I think he's waking up! Kili, are you with us?"

The young dwarf blinked heavily, it took a moment for Bofur's face to coalesce at his side.

"That's it lad; do you know where you are?" The outline of Bofur's hat was soon joined by the drained features of his face. It seemed wrong to see him without that cheeky grin.

"Move aside Bofur, let me see him". Oin swam into view.

The healer took Kili's face in his hands and pulled his eyes open. The young dwarf moaned a protest. "Alright… it's alright. Well if your head hurts you've got Dwalin to blame. Can you tell me your name?"

Kili licked his lips and tried using his voice.

"Kili".

Did that frail whisper really come from him?

"Good, and who am I?" Oin continued his questioning.

"Oin".

Yes, it really was his voice. How strange.

"And where are we?"

"Ered Lu…" Kili stopped himself suddenly.

No, that wasn't right was it? They had left Ered Luin. They were going on an adventure! Where were they going? Oh yes…

"Erebor". The young dwarf corrected himself.

Oin frowned at him with concern. "Well… I don't think we need to add concussion to your list of injuries. Still, I would rather have put you out some other way".

"I'm sure he'll forgive me". Dwalin gave Kili's hair a slight friendly tousle. "It's good to see you awake lad, but I'll take my leave. I must meet with Balin, there is much to be done…"

"Oin, why don't you go too? You look dead on your feet. I'll sit with him a while". Bofur offered.

"Aye, 'tis true I need my bed, I can't deny it… Just watch him for signs of fever, and don't let him move that arm". Oin came to bend over Kili then, their faces were inches apart. "Do you hear me lad? Under no circumstances move your arm, if you ever want to use a bow again – keep it still".

Kili looked down, he wasn't sure he could move it even if he wanted to. His arm was tightly wrapped and splinted, and it was bound to his chest to boot. Oh how it burned… but it was nothing like the soul rending agony of before. He was in pieces, and now he had been put back together, but the edges still felt raw. What had happened? Kili was suddenly assaulted by the flash of a mace. He flinched.

"What's the matter? Are you alright?" Bofur asked

He was alright… was he alright? He was injured. He had been attacked. Kili's thoughts felt like snowflakes. Some had come to rest and settle on the ground, but others still whirled about in the air. They were elusive and fragmented.

Kili tried to clear his throat. "Water?"

Bofur left his side and returned a moment later with a cup. He put a gentle hand to the back of Kili's head and helped the young dwarf take a sip.

It was difficult to sip, Kili wanted to gulp it down, though Bofur urged him not to. The cool liquid against his parched throat was pure ecstasy. As Kili laid his head back down more snowflakes came to rest, and then the battle hit him like an avalanche. The pain in Kili's bandaged shoulder sharpened at recalling the arrow, frantic shouts and screams chased around his head clashing with the furious sound of weapon against shield… and flesh. Fili's back pressed against Kili's in the melee, fiercely they fought together, until Thorin fell to Azog's blow… and then Kili suffered a crushing strike himself. The young dwarf gasped suddenly at the memory, his arm felt like it was full of broken glass again. The shards cut all they touched. And then Fili's last words echoed around Kili's head as he stared helplessly into the vacant eyes of a dead dwarf… _I'll be back. I promise you I'll come back_.

"Kili? Are you alright? Do you want me to fetch Oin?" Bofur reached forwards and pressed a hand to the young dwarf's forehead.

He realised he was trembling.

"Are _they_ alright? Thorin, Fili, the others?" Kili ignored Bofur's question, his mind only on his kin.

Bofur sat back in his chair, seemingly satisfied the young dwarf wasn't burning with fever. If Kili had all his senses about him he might have noticed the look on Bofur's face, he might have noticed the hesitation before he answered…

"They're fine. A few injuries amongst them, but…"

As it was Kili didn't even notice Bofur hadn't finished his sentence. He was breathing hard and battling with his eyelids. They seemed determined to close. But he heard the important bit… They're fine. All was well. So Kili supposed he could give in and sleep a while…

"Rest Kili, I'll be right here".

But it was Balin by his side when Kili woke next. He was chased from sleep by a mace whistling through the air. The young dwarf breathed hard, he looked around the tent and tried to calm his heart… The battle was over. He was safe, everyone was safe. As Kili's harsh breathing settled he noticed Balin was there but was not really with him. The older dwarf lay back in his chair, his head rested on his chest as he dozed lightly. Kili didn't like this… this drifting away and coming back again to find the world had moved on without him. It was not like sleep, this was chaotic, time and events muddled all about him. Kili almost felt he needed to grab on to something to anchor himself.

Feeling a little more clear headed Kili looked around the tent properly for the first time. Darkness had fallen outside and a small candle gave what light it could from a table at his bedside. Across from Kili stood another table covered with bandages, small coloured bottles filled with tinctures, and all sorts of medicinal paraphernalia. Kili shuddered as he noticed a bowl with a familiar shaft just visible over the edge. The last time he had seen that shaft it was sticking out of his own flesh. The young dwarf spared a thought for Tauriel. While the dwarves were accounted for he had no way of knowing her fate. He must send a message to their encampment as soon as possible…

Balin suddenly startled himself awake with a loud snore.

"It is good to see you awake Mister Balin". Kili couldn't help but tease.

The older dwarf coughed and straightened with a wince. "I believe that was meant to be my line".

"Are you well?"

"That was mine also… but yes, I am fine. Old age plagues my bones battle or no, but I have suffered no great injury. Not like you. I would ask how you fare but that much is obvious".

"Aye, pain is a constant companion… My arm seems to be in several pieces". He tried to speak lightly, but the full weight of his injury was only just beginning to dawn on Kili.

Oin's hazy words came to him… _Under no circumstances move your arm, if you ever want to use a bow again – keep it still_… How damaged was he really? Could he ever hope to wield bow or sword again? Would he even be able to hold a quill to pen a letter? It was too soon to say. It would do no good to dwell on such things… Kili turned his mind elsewhere. To his company, to the faces he had expected to see visiting and hadn't…

"How are the others? How fare my brother and Uncle? Bofur said only that they were fine".

"Well they all have various cuts and bruises. Gloin suffered a fair few broken fingers, and Dori has quite a nasty stab wound… but it is giving Ori a chance to mother him for once". Balin's voice turned grave as he went on. "Thorin slew Azog with Fili's help, but he was grievously wounded. It is the injury to his head that worries Oin most, I am afraid he has not yet woken…"

Kili's face fell at hearing this news. "I must go see him at once, my brother too".

"Not so fast, Oin doesn't want you up and about yet". Balin leaned forwards as if to stop Kili should he think of getting out of bed.

"Then will Fili at least be able to visit me? You did not make mention of his injuries, I take it he is well enough to walk? I suppose he is busy acting in Thorin's place, but surely he is not too busy to see his own brother?" The thought of Fili not visiting was hurtful. Were their places switched Kili would walk to the ends of the earth to see his brother.

Balin paused. It was the sort of pause that gave rise to a feeling of dread deep in the pit of Kili's stomach. "He won't be visiting lad…"

"Then I will visit him. Where is he?" Kili's voice seemed to rise.

"You can't…" Balin tailed off.

Kili struggled to push himself up on one arm. His shoulder protested, but he wanted to meet Balin's eye on his level. The older dwarf didn't move to help, his face was creased with a look that told of pain or sorrow, and his eyes looked to the candle instead of Kili.

"Balin… let me see my brother". Kili spoke evenly with an undercurrent of panic to his voice.

Balin frowned and continued staring at the small flame. Kili could see a battle waging behind his eyes.

"You need to rest…" He said slowly.

"I _need_ to see my brother… Balin, please". Kili's voice began to waver. He felt like he was reliving a conversation he had by a ruined Laketown… one where they danced around a truth too terrible to voice.

Eventually the battle in Balin's eyes dimmed, he sat forwards and put a hand to Kili's knee. The young dwarf suddenly felt like shying away. The devastation in Balin's gaze told him all he needed to know.

"Lad… I would rather not have told you this now. We thought it better to wait until you were…"

"No, don't say it. I don't want to know". Tears brimmed at Kili's eyes. He had pushed for an answer and now he didn't want it. He felt as if he had just stepped off a cliff and started to fall… There was no way of going back, and the hard impact of landing was inevitable.

"He's gone lad".

Suddenly the air felt as if it had left the room. Kili heaved in breath after breath, but still needed more air than he was getting. His good hand clutched tightly at the bed sheets, twisting in the rough fabric until he nearly lost feeling in it.

Balin's voice seemed to come from far away. "Kili… breathe, just calm down and breathe".

He had forgotten how. It didn't matter anyway. Fili was gone… Fili was _dead_. There was no point in breathing. Kili's thoughts seemed to scatter as his mind broke apart. His brother was alone. He should be with Fili, he needed to find Fili. They had to be together. Kili threw back the bed sheets and swung his legs to the ground.

"Lay back down Kili… you will hurt yourself, lay still".

He would not. There would be plenty of time for lying around when he was dead… _dead like Fili_. No… no… his brother was alone, he must go to Fili. A wrecked sob left Kili's throat as he got to his feet. His head spun at being up so suddenly and then there was a strong hold on his arm.

"For goodness sake lad, sit down".

He tried to push away from the dwarf holding him still, though it was a pretty pathetic attempt with only one half working arm. "I have to find him! Let me go!"

The grip on his arm tightened. "You cannot find him; you cannot go where he has gone!"

"I have to! He's alone, I have to follow! Get off me!" Kili's wrecked voice yelled and he twisted and turned, trying to writhe out of the firm grip that held him.

The tent flap opened and another joined them, though Kili could hardly see through the blur of his tears.

"What is all this noise about?"

"Kili, stop fighting me! Oin, will you do something?"

"Let me go! He can't be alone! FILI!" The young dwarf cried out in despair.

"You told him? Did I not say he wasn't ready for this?" Oin rushed over to the table and bustled about hurriedly clinking bottles.

"He was asking questions, I could not lie to him". Balin managed as he struggled with the flailing dwarf.

"It would have been a kindness to lie… He is in no fit state to deal with that pain as well as this. Kili lad, I'm sorry…"

A cloth was held tightly over Kili's nose and mouth. Each hard won breath betrayed him as he felt his limbs weaken. They dragged him back on to the bed… "No, no… Fili. Let me find him".

As the world faded away Kili thought he saw a flash of blonde hair at the corner of his eye. He shot out his one good hand, reaching for his brother. "Fili?"

But he only touched thin air.

"Come back Fili… you promised me… you said you would come back…" Kili's voice weakened and he closed his eyes.

Before fading away completely the young dwarf felt somebody else take hold of his outstretched hand.

"It's alright Kili… it's alright. Sleep now, just sleep".

**~oOo~**

**Note:** I'm sorry, I've left it in an even crueller place now... Not long till next update :) Oh and the butterfly at the start was inspired by one I had land on my window in *December*, poor thing was so raggedy looking. I would post a picture but Fanfiction dot net doesn't seem to like that sort of thing x_x


	9. Chapter 9

**Note:** Quotes are from Archive's "Brother" and The Hoosiers "A Sadness Runs Through Him". I also have to give a shoutout to Balmorhea's "Remembrance", I had it on near constantly while writing these chapters. Pull it up on Youtube and give it a listen for extra feels (I recommend the "Kut's Retread" version). It's such a beautifully devastating piece of music. I claim no responsibility for emotional trauma that results... ok, maybe a little bit (I'm sorry!)

**Chapter 9**

_I shout and scream and I try  
You turn your face from me  
You just turn away from me  
Oh brother  
My brother's gone_

When next Kili came to he licked his dry lips. His throat felt as arid as the desert sands. Pain was the next sensation that slammed into him. Pain and the cold hard ground beneath him. Confusion set in… his eyes flickered open and he jolted at seeing pale unseeing eyes staring back at him. Fili. Those eyes belonged to Fili. His brother lay across from him. He was so close; if Fili drew breath Kili was sure he would have felt it. Kili screamed endlessly. This wasn't how it happened… it wasn't his brother, his brother wasn't… but he was. Fili was dead. Those sightless eyes pinned Kili to the spot, his brother's grey face stared emptily into Kili's soul, and Kili screamed.

In the waking world Kili shot bolt upright. "NO! _Fili_…"

He made to shoot an arm out, to reach for his brother, but it was restrained…

"Kili, sshhh, it's alright… lay back down". Hands pressed against his shoulders, pushing the young dwarf back to his pillow.

He lay gasping for a few moments as the terror of his nightmare was chased away by reality. But reality had no comfort to offer. Instead of waking and escaping his nightmare Kili was thrust into another one, and this he could not escape. He felt hollow, as if his heart had been cut out and tossed away. Kili noted Balin by his side, but he paid no attention to the older dwarf. He stared straight up at the top of the tent, focussing on the most fascinating of nothing.

"I'm sorry Kili…"

Though Kili tried to empty his mind of all thought it couldn't be done. He was alive. His brother was dead. This deadpan search for freedom and forgetfulness would not avail him. Nothing could fill the yawning, nauseous chasm of his soul. His mind might drift but it was slammed back reluctantly, repeatedly and painfully by that thought… He was alive. His brother was dead. Reality was cruel; it told him he would never see Fili again. When Kili expected Fili to walk through the door it whispered he would never hear his brother's footsteps, he would never see Fili smile again, and his brother's laughter was reduced to memory. A stab of pain assaulted Kili's heart at thinking he would have to fish through memory for his brother. Memories faded over time. They went from vibrant, colourful, living images and faded away into grey ash, slipping between your fingers. Would it be the same with Fili? Would Kili eventually vaguely remember knowing his brother as if from a different life and age? Would he remember, forget, forget again and remember less? Kili tried to hold on to Fili. That was all he had now… memory. The young dwarf closed his eyes tightly and felt tears escape…

"Kili?" Balin's voice cut through his thoughts like a knife.

"What happened?" Kili was suddenly seized with a need to know how this came to be. How was he robbed of his brother?

"In truth, I'm not sure. He was last seen standing alone fighting a warg…"

"Let me see him". The young dwarf looked at Balin with pleading eyes.

"Kili… he's gone". Balin seemed to think him still mad with grief.

"I know… I just need to say goodbye". Kili wasn't really sure how he would cope with seeing his brother lying still, cold and laid out in funeral finery. But he _needed_ to say goodbye.

"Kili lad… I'm sorry. There's nothing to see. We haven't recovered him… he's not the only one lost. The wargs, they…" Balin couldn't finish, and Kili was glad of it. He didn't want to think about where that sentence ended.

"No…" The young dwarf shook his head. He had been robbed of his brother and he could not even say goodbye?! But then, the thought struck him – Fili had not been found. There was no body. A sudden spark of hope lit up his heart. "Balin, he could still be out there. If you have not found a body he may yet live".

"Oh no lad… Don't do that to yourself. Do not look for hope where there is none". Balin shook his head and looked away from Kili, suddenly grieved.

"There is hope if you have not found him!" Kili winced as he pushed himself upright in eager pursuit of Balin. "Tell me you're still looking for him. Tell me you haven't given up".

The older dwarf wouldn't meet his gaze. "There are no more injured to find. It is too late… we are recovering bodies from the field, not wounded".

"You _have_ given up…" Kili's voice sounded empty. "Would Thorin give up? If he were awake do you think he would leave his nephew out there missing?"

"He is not missing…"

"You have not found a body, you don't know that he is dead!" Kili was suddenly angry at Balin and the ease with which he wrote Fili off.

"Your brother is gone! There is nothing to find. Please Kili…"

"Leave me". Kili's voice turned hard.

"Listen to me. If you would just –"

"Balin, I said get out". Kili cut the older dwarf off harshly.

Balin rose to his feet and lingered for a moment in hesitation. "As you wish".

Kili waited until the older dwarf was gone, he waited a few minutes more just to be sure. Then Kili got to his feet unsteadily and reached for his boots. If they had given up he would just have to find Fili himself.

**~oOo~**

In his eagerness Kili had left the tent just in his shirt. The cold outside bit into him, but he was driven on by thoughts of his brother. Fili could be lying cold amongst orc bodies. He did not want to waste time finding a cloak when he could be finding his brother. At first he looked about carefully, not wanting to meet any who knew him and would send him back to his bed. But moving beyond the healing tents he picked up speed, as much speed as he was able to muster in his fragile state. The faces he met along the way were all strangers, all Dain's men. Their hollow eyes told of horrors that mirrored Kili's own.

Before long the battlefield stretched out at Kili's feet. A twilight sky heralding morning left the world in half darkness, but it was more than enough to show the devastation. The immediate area had been cleared. The bodies of orcs and goblins were piled high, ready for burning. A terrible stench hung about in the air. Kili raised his arm and covered his face with his sleeve. It barely kept the scent of death and decay at bay. Further out some scattered torches lit up and roved the land. It seemed a few had elected to work through the night. Smaller heaps of bodies littered the landscape, while fallen dwarves and allies were respectfully laid out next to each other in a line. Kili's breath caught in his throat. He found his legs taking him over; he searched the lines frantically…

Every face wore death's pale mask. They could almost be asleep, but each still chest gave them away. Some bore devastating injuries, and Kili had to look away at the worst of the rent limbs and marred faces. Still, he checked their features, making sure none resembled his brother. The young dwarf grieved as he walked the rows of corpses, this loss seemed so senseless… all these lives cut short, and for what? For a mountain… for a homeland he never knew. Suddenly Kili bitterly regretted their coming here. If the dwarves had not set out on their quest the dragon would still be sleeping, Laketown would still stand, and the enemy would not have come… these people would still draw breath. His brother would still… Kili wouldn't finish that thought. His brother still drew breath. Of course he did, Fili was just missing, and Kili would find him.

Just as Kili reached the end of the line two dwarves came along carrying a body between them, a man followed with a torch lighting the way. The body was small, a dwarf… but the torch illuminated a deathly pale face that wasn't Fili's.

"It's not him…" Kili whispered thankfully.

As the fallen dwarf was placed down carefully the man turned to look at Kili.

"What are you doing out here Master dwarf? You will catch your death... Are you alright? You look as if you belong with the healers".

"I thank you for your concern, but I have seen the healers. Now I must find my brother… Fili is not here. Thank Mahal". Kili turned to leave. He heard the dwarves muttering in hushed tones behind him.

"Did he say Fili? Isn't that the fallen Prince?"

"That would make him Prince Kili then… He doesn't look fit to be wandering. Should we go after him?"

Kili tried to speed up; he left the dwarves and men behind but still looked nervously over his shoulder. The young dwarf didn't want them following and taking him back… In his haste Kili neglected to look at where he was putting his feet. He tripped over a shield jutting from the ground and fell. The young dwarf had a split second to affect his landing. With Oin's warning ringing in his ears he aimed for his left side. It would hurt, but it would hurt less than crashing down on his broken arm. Sure enough he hit hard and Kili's shoulder sparked with pain. He curled up, scrunched his eyes and desperately tried to stifle the cry that wanted to escape his lips. Kili didn't want to attract any attention. As the waves of pain ebbed away the young dwarf opened his eyes and recoiled at finding himself staring into the twisted face of a dead goblin. He scrabbled about and tried to push himself away, somehow managing to get to his feet in the process.

So Kili had made it to the edge of true desolation. He breathed hard, staring in wide eyed horror. Before him stood a field of fallen bodies, enemies and allies twisted together, split apart and bloody. The devastation stretched as far as Kili's eyes could see. Hesitation seized his heart… he didn't want to go there; he didn't want to walk through a field where bodies sprung like flowers. Their sightless eyes watched him, and it made Kili feel guilty. That he was alive while they lay dead… how dare he draw breath in this place? But the thought of Fili lying amongst them drove the young dwarf onward. Tentatively he stepped over the goblin and out into another world. A world where the ground was not grass but gore, and the air was not sweet and fragrant but tainted with death. Here and there Kili heaved aside bodies, shuddering as he did so. He thought he saw straggles of blonde hair, but was sadly mistaken each time. And again, Kili felt guilty. Here he was shoving the fallen aside like they were _things_, like they were obstacles in his way. But they were people, they had families, they would be mourned… They were fathers, sons and brothers. They were loved… Their footsteps would be missed at the door; their laughter would only be heard in memory. Kili said a silent prayer for every body he moved thereafter. Except the bodies of the orcs and goblins. Those he pushed aside with disdain. Ahead an unkindness of ravens gathered about the dead, even they would not touch the foul flesh of orcs and goblins.

The ravens cawed and flapped and pecked at the flesh of honourable dwarves and men. It turned Kili's stomach. The young dwarf stumbled over as fast as he could and waved his one good arm to scare them off. They let out a terrible cawing and took to the air, their feathers as black as night against the lightening sky. Kili forced himself to look down at the raven's victim. He let out a sigh of relief at seeing the dwarf's beard was black. His poor face was marred by the battle and the raven's attempts at scavenging. There were no sightless eyes to watch Kili this time.

The young dwarf shouted his brother's name when he could bear to remove his sleeve from his face. Kili gagged as he wound his way through the bodies. It was only a matter of time before he dropped to his knees and emptied the meagre contents of his stomach. Kili couldn't remember the last time he had eaten. He quickly succumbed to painful retching and a weakness suddenly seized his limbs. The lack of food, pain and coldness crashed down upon him. Kili started shivering and could not stop. The young dwarf looked hopelessly about him and let out a sob… He was lost and alone in a sea of death.

"Fili! Where are you?! You promised me you would come back… you _promised_!"

The sun just started to make itself known on the horizon; in the sudden glare Kili thought he saw his brother in the distance. Fili stood and turned away, setting off at a run. Kili got to his feet and tried to follow, he forced himself forwards but he only managed a few steps before staggering and falling. He tried again with the same result.

"Fili! Stop! Wait for me! Don't leave me behind!"

He tried to rise again but he couldn't.

"Fili! Come back! Please!"

"He's over there!" A distant voice yelled.

"Fili!"

The young dwarf whipped around hopefully, but it was just a dwarf he didn't know… Dwalin and Oin followed in his wake. As they neared Kili he recognised the stranger as one who had been clearing bodies. So he had gone to fetch help. Dwalin threw a fur around Kili's shoulders and Oin knelt to look at him.

"What are you doing out here? Have you taken leave of your senses?" The older dwarf chastised as he took in Kili's pale features.

"I was looking for Fili… He's out here. He has to be. I saw him". Kili stuttered between chattering teeth.

Dwalin took the other dwarf to one side, a firm hand on his shoulder pushing him away. "You'll speak nothing of this understand?" The stranger nodded

"All you'll find out here is a chill lad… and your shoulder will need redressing, the stitches have gone. Fortunately your arm seems to be in one piece; you fool of a dwarf…"

Kili looked down and noticed with surprise that there was a trail of red staining his shirt. He hadn't even noticed. He was so cold the pain seemed distant…

With his cursory examination done Oin wrapped the fur tightly about Kili. "Right, let's get you back. Can you walk?"

"No… I need to find him. Do not take me yet". Kili grasped at Oin's arm, his eyes begging as much as his lips had. "He _is_ out here".

"Right, carrying it is". Dwalin moved in to pick up the young dwarf.

Kili did not make it easy, he writhed about trying to get one last look out over the sea of bodies… trying to get one last look at Fili. "Fili! I'll find you! I'll come back! I promise!"

"Oin, if he keeps this up I'll have to knock him out again… And you, you've seen nothing". Dwalin glared at the dwarf accompanying them.

"Kili lad, settle down! Remember what I said about your arm? You'll cripple yourself carrying on like that!"

The fight suddenly went out of Kili. He had failed… his brother needed him and he had failed. Dwalin and Oin got him back to the tent with little trouble after that. They removed his filthy clothes and Oin set about stitching his shoulder anew. Kili just sat blankly while they did so. He offered no help or hindrance, and he wordlessly complied when instructed to drink this or hold that. He felt empty. Hushed discussion went on all around him, people came and went. Kili was oblivious. He only felt the aching void of his brother's absence. Questions were asked of Kili, but he remained staring, insensate. A strong arm shook him. A hand gripped him about the jaw and forced eye contact. Kili could see Dwalin's lips move, but they made no sound… He was lost in his own head, drowning in misery. The world out there didn't matter. Right now, in this moment, it seemed less real. It felt insubstantial and inconsequential when his mind suffered such overwhelming pain. Did he have it wrong? The nightmare was out there… Were they trying to drag him into a dream? To a place where paths were made of bone and ravens laughed cruelly as they took apart a feast blessed by death… It couldn't be real. But in here, if he scratched beneath the pain, there was solace. Kili fell deeper into himself, to another place... another world. Fili smiled easily beside a fire, he beckoned Kili to join him. This was real. Or maybe he just wanted it to be real, and so it was.

"Fili… I thought I lost you".

Fili took out his pipe, as casually as he ever had done. "Then you are too careless brother. It is easy to lose a pipe or a set of keys, but a brother now? That is just… _reckless_".

"But I've found you now". Kili sounded hopeful.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes… you're right here. I could reach out and touch you".

The fire suddenly dimmed and crackled as it died.

"Then try". Fili's eye seemed to twinkle in challenge.

Kili took a step forwards, then another… Fili's face paled. The young dwarf came closer. With every step death seemed to ravage his brother. The pipe fell from his hand. If Kili stopped walking would this corrosion cease?! But he couldn't, his brother needed him! He took another step and Fili fell back. Kili couldn't stop himself, he ran forwards, falling to his knees at his brothers side. Tears came freely as he clutched at Fili's still frame.

"Why do you weep? Did you think I was immortal?" Fili whispered with the ghost of a smile.

Then between one blink and the next Kili was looking at Fili's glassy eyes through the tattered wings of a dying butterfly.

"FILI!"

The young dwarf was snapped back by the sting of a blow to his cheek.

"Dwalin! Was that really necessary?" Oin scowled.

Kili blinked and looked around the tent, taking in the world around him. Oin stood at the foot of his bed while Dwalin sat on the edge of it.

"It worked didn't it? He seems to be with us again… Kili? Will you answer me now?" Dwalin shook Kili a little more gently.

"Answer what?" The young dwarf asked, somewhat dazed.

Dwalin sighed. "It doesn't matter". He looked to Oin and pointed at Kili. "See, he's awake now".

"Indeed". Oin replied a little grouchily before addressing Kili. "Lad, we're thinking of moving you to your quarters under the mountain. You'll be more comfortable there".

And further away from wandering the battle field no doubt… The young dwarf could quite easily see their motivation.

Just then the tent flap was thrown back and Bofur came hurtling in. "Oin, you're needed! Thorin is stirring!"

Bofur rushed back out with Oin close behind. As Dwalin rose to follow them a call from Kili held him back.

"Dwalin! Take me with you".

"Best let Oin see him first lad, then I'll send for you if he's fit for visitors".

"Please… he's family, I need to see him". Kili begged like a small pup after scraps. "If it were Balin lying there, would you let anything keep you away from him?"

Dwalin's resolve seemed to crumble. "No… I would raze anything and anyone that came between us. Alright, come here".

The older dwarf moved to Kili's side as he shuffled off the bed. Kili let Dwalin help him up and leant heavily against him. His recent exploits had left him drained, and the last dose of Oin's draught was beginning to wear off. Pain was starting to needle at him, but it would not keep Kili from Thorin's side.

**~oOo~**

_Time and again boys are raised to be men  
Impatient they start, fearful they end_

It was slow going reaching the tent that housed Thorin. By the time they got there Oin was just finishing his examination. As they stepped inside Kili crossed the threshold with some trepidation. He didn't know what he would find… he didn't know how damaged Thorin was, in body or mind. Had the gold sickness still got a hold over him? The King under the mountain seemed reduced in size without his armour and furs. He was swathed in bandages. They crossed his chest and wrapped around an arm, it was splinted, though not nearly as extremely as Kili's. As the young dwarf took a seat by his Uncle's bedside he winced at his own arm giving a twinge. Thorin's face was heavily bruised; Kili had never seen him looking so fragile. It seemed as if each layer of intimidation had been peeled away… he would not scare so much as a mouse in his current state.

Oin finished replacing a dressing at the back of Thorin's head before straightening and fixing a stern eye on Kili. "I will let you sit with him a while, but he needs his rest. So do you. I'll be back after I've checked on Dori".

Just like that they were left alone.

Silence fell all about them. Kili was almost afraid to shatter it.

"Uncle?" He ventured.

Thorin moaned slightly and opened his eyes a little.

"Fili?" Thorin's usually commanding tone sounded so frail it almost hurt.

His mentioning that name gave rise to a lump in Kili's throat that he found it hard to swallow past.

"No… it's Kili". He managed.

And suddenly Kili's mind took flight in fear. How much did Thorin know? Had Oin broken the news that Fili was missing? _He was not dead… don't say he's dead… he's not…_

"Ah…" Thorin's eyes closed again.

Kili tried not to hear the sound of disappointment in that simple sigh.

"Uncle, can you remember what happened?" Kili ventured. Oin would probably chastise him for pushing things…

"It's coming back…" Thorin's eyes flickered open. "Bits and pieces… the battle is mostly flashes, and the days leading up to it elude my grasp. But one thing remains clear… I'm sorry Kili".

The young dwarf frowned at finding his Uncle looking at him, eyes open and shining with tears. He spoke so earnestly and regretfully… Kili could not believe this was his Uncle.

"Sorry for what?" There were many things Kili would have his Uncle apologise for, though he could not bring himself to be angry about them now. Forgiveness suddenly became an easily given commodity when family stared death in the face.

"For giving in to it. While everything is tangled in my mind I see the Arkenstone so clearly… but I now see the hold it had over me. I still feel the creeping pull of its tendrils… but it is distant, and I am so sorry. I remember watching Thror fall into madness. I remember the helplessness and the hopelessness, and I would have spared you and Fili that suffering… but I fell to it. Where is Fili?"

What could he say? – _They tell me he's dead. His body is missing. I will find him, I swear it_ – Kili dismissed each option in turn.

"I… I don't know". He stuttered eventually. It was the truth at least.

"Tell him I am sorry… He will make a good King; he has the heart for it. I have perhaps been accused of caring too little and accused him of caring too much, I was wrong… I put more stock in coin than my kin. Fili is fit for the crown…"

_But he is not here to wear it, and I am too weak to bear it_. Kili's heart screamed.

"And you Kili… you will do him good, you will stand by his side".

"I will be no help to him". Kili suddenly found himself drawn into Thorin's world where they spoke of Fili as if he were in the next room. "I never studied, I never listened like he did… Fili is the strong one. I am weak, and I know nothing of the world".

Kili smiled bitterly at recalling Thorin's words to him the night he teased Bilbo about an orc attack. It seemed an age ago they sat around that campfire, having just set out on their journey.

"No… Kili, don't think that, you should never think that. Fili had duty fall on him as the firstborn, it was not easy to take him in hand, to mould him for the throne. You were free of that weight and I would not burden you with it unnecessarily. I let you be your own man and I gave you more of a free rein… you often tangled yourself with it, but you were not weak, _never_ weak".

Bitterness fell from Kili's smile, he had never heard Thorin speak this way before. He was always the strong infallible King. Now stripped of those layers he seemed so warm and genuine. His words were heartfelt, and in the face of them Kili felt his own layers of insecurity begin to drop away…

"I always felt I had to prove myself to you. I suppose that's where some of the tangling came in… Why wait and spring a trap when I could show off and take out a pack of orcs myself eh?" Kili allowed himself a slight smile. "I never realised… I thought I was something less in your eyes…I wanted to impress you, I wanted to make you proud".

"I am proud of you Kili". Thorin reached out for Kili's hand tentatively. The young dwarf slid his good hand across the sheets to meet him. "I have always been proud of you. The fault is mine… I wish I had been less of a King and more of a father to you both. I could not take his place of course, but I tried to be there for you. I tried and failed…"

"You did what you could…"

"I was always a King first and a father second. Forgive me…"

"Of course". Kili squeezed his Uncle's hand.

Forgiveness was so easily given with them both sitting here, uncovered and vulnerable. Would Thorin be so tender when he remembered why he beat Kili? Would he still be sorry when he pulled the cloak of prejudice back around his shoulders? But in this moment, here and now, Kili let peace settle between them. He was content to know that when everything was stripped away they stood eye to eye, equal in heart and strength, trammelled by no shame or weakness.

Suddenly Thorin pulled his hand away from Kili and clutched at his head with a wince.

"Uncle? What is the matter? Uncle!" Fear gripped Kili's heart at seeing a trail of blood seep from Thorin's ear.

The young dwarf got to his feet and called for help. Dwalin rushed in while Bofur left to fetch Oin. Thankfully the old dwarf had been on his way back and they returned moments later. Time seemed to slow as Kili clutched at his Uncle. He called for Thorin to stay with him, to fight… Dwalin pulled him away. Thorin's eyes rolled back as Kili's hand was torn from his shirt.

"No! Thorin! Don't leave me! Not you too!" Kili yelled. He struggled in Dwalin's arms, trying desperately to get back to his Uncle.

"Get him out of here!" Oin shouted over his shoulder as he worked frantically on Thorin.

"Let him work lad, go back to your tent". Dwalin's voice was hard but laced with an undercurrent of fear.

Kili found himself thrust outside. He fell to his knees in the dirt, heaving in the cold air, drinking at it desperately. He couldn't lose Thorin… not after Fili… not after they had just made peace…

Harried voices filtered to him through the tent flap. "_Breathe dammit!", "Don't you give up Thorin Oakenshield!", "I will assail the halls of Mahal myself if you dare leave us!"_

Suddenly Kili found himself needing to be somewhere else… anywhere else but here… His tent, he should go back to his tent. That's where he had been told to go.

The young dwarf staggered to his feet and clutched at his splinted arm. It was beginning to hurt quite fiercely now. The draught Oin had given him while re-stitching his wound had long worn off. More pain… as if he hadn't suffered enough already.

When he reached his tent Kili went straight to the table covered with Oin's medical supplies. He picked up bottle after bottle, searching for a small dark blue one… he had seen Oin pour a few drops out to make the draught that relieved his pain. Thankfully his fingers brushed over it and he took the lid off with his teeth. Now what did he mix it with? There was something else… something that diluted it… He scrabbled through the bottles again, trying to remember, but they all looked the same. Frustration started to build in Kili as the burning pain in his arm increased. He turned away from the table, trying to breathe past the crushing feeling in his chest. The young dwarf scrunched his eyes and stalked over to his bed, placing the blue bottle down on the bedside table with as much care as he could manage.

Suddenly his heart seemed to explode. He couldn't stand this any more.

Fili was dead.

Thorin was dying.

And he _hurt_.

Kili snapped. He whipped around and swept everything from the table with a yell that burst from the very pit of his darkest soul. The bottles and tools scattered. Glass shattered. And Kili fell back on the small bottle at his bedside. He downed the contents, not caring, not thinking. Just needing to end this pain… He had been trying to stand firm too long. Fighting for Fili, fighting for Thorin… fighting goblins, fighting orcs, fighting… fighting, always fighting.

Who would fight for him?

_Who fights for ME!_ Kili screamed in his heart. _This is what I get… pain is my reward, and it's NOT FAIR!_

Numbness flowed through him, taking Kili by surprise. Too quickly, this was too quick. Kili dropped to his knees. Eyes blurred with tears. But the pain was gone. At last he felt nothing.

The floor seemed to tilt and Kili's head hit the floor.

Rest.

He was granted rest.

Kili drifted… he blinked away the tears from his eyes… A smashed bowl lay in pieces beside his head. A short shaft sat amongst the debris with a pointed tip. Gingerly he reached out to take it, twirling the little wooden barb between his fingers.

Tauriel.

Was she dead too? Probably. They were all leaving him…

Kili lost focus on the arrow shard. He closed his eyes and his grip loosened. Peace… at last.

He never heard heavy footsteps approach the tent moments later.

He never heard a cheerful voice call out. "Kili! He's back with us! Thorin lives!"

He never saw the devastated look on Bofur's face as he barrelled in and came upon the scene of destruction.

"Oh no… Kili, what have you done?"

**~oOo~**

**Note**: I'm sorry again! I keep leaving it in these terribly cruel places *hands out tissues*

I wanted to say something about this... I'm not entirely sure what. But I think anybody who has suffered loss will understand the feeling I'm trying to get across... The way you wake up and wish you hadn't. So I hope it comes across right, not as some frivolous exercise in "pushing all the angst buttons", but as something real and devastating. Anyway, I'm in danger of getting far too serious for a piece of fan fiction, perhaps I should release puppies at the end of these chapters... :)


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